MOVIES -- THE DUMPING SEASON: Part One

The Dumping Season:  Part One

The Least Wonderful Time of the Year

(by Chris Wimmer)

Yep, it’s winter … and in Hollywood, that means only one thing:  it’s once again time to take a giant collective shit on the movie-going public.  January through March is the annual time of year when Hollywood expels the waste that it’s stored up over the previous calendar year, or the year before that.  Somewhere along the line, between eight-martini lunches and trips to the Beverly Hills Ferrari dealership to gaze at the new models that they hope will make everyone even more jealous, Hollywood executives realized that the movies they intend to purge from the system during this time period were horrific, even by Hollywood standards.  So, the movies get corralled like a herd of ornery steers and sent to the slaughterhouse during the dead of winter when they know you’re less likely to go to the theater because you don’t want to put on 19 layers of clothes just to go out to the garage to start your car.

 

Think I’m crazy?  Here’s a great link to a site that lists the release dates of the movies that came out last year.  You can scroll back through the years for further proof of this phenomenon:http://www.movieinsider.com/movies/-/2012/

Now, to be fair, I’m not saying that EVERY movie released during the Dumping Season is a pile of shit.  The vast majority of them?  Yes.  But every now and then a solid one sneaks through.  Just last week, Oscar-favorite ZERO DARK THIRTY was released wide to the general public.  Now technically it was released in five theaters in New York and L.A. in December so it could qualify for the 2012 Academy Awards but unless you lived near one of those five theaters, you didn’t have the chance to see it.  And you have to go back to 2005 to find a movie that was released in the Dumping Season that was nominated for an Academy Award – MILLION DOLLAR BABY.

But let’s get back to this year.  The season kicked off last week with the release of GANGSTER SQUAD.  BANG!  BANG!  Sweet!  Did you see that trailer???  Just gunshots galore, huh?  Soooo dreamy.  Yeah, so are Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.  I get it.  (damn, she can wear a red dress, can’t she?)  Right, sorry …

This one is particularly painful because I’ve always thought that a great, untapped secret in Hollywood has been a movie about organized crime in Los Angeles.  L.A. in the 40’s and 50’s had all your classic criminal enterprises – racketeering, extortion, gambling, murder – but without the cramped, gloomy alleys of New York or the depressing weather that seem so commonplace in gangster films.  You take all the juicy nuggets that are the hallmarks of mafia movies and drop them into a place with the glitz and glamour of the movie business, flamboyant characters, perfect weather, beaches, canyons, drugs and palm trees – never forget the palm trees – and you could have a pretty good movie.  But instead of actually doing something gritty and interesting – “real,” for lack of a better word, like we think of when we think of THE GODFATHER – they made a glossy, threadbare movie that looks like a parody of the gangster movies that were actually made during the 40’s and 50’s.  It’ll be flashy, full of the aforementioned gunshots and explosions, and will even have the requisite love story so that guys will be able to force their girlfriends to go see it, but it’ll be thinner than the last line of coke at Charlie Sheen’s house on New Year’s morning.

This movie will be like the feeling you get when you drive past a used car dealership and there's a shiny 1965 Mustang convertible sitting right out there on the curb gleaming in the sunlight.  You look at it and think, "damn, what's that car doing on that lot?"  The answer:  underneath that bright shiny exterior, it's probably a piece of shit.  They slapped a coat of paint on it and buffed until you could read an eye chart in the reflection, but all they did was cover up a body that's got more holes than a meth addict's mouth and an engine so worn out that it'll fall out when you hit the gas.  Enjoy.

Moving on, this coming weekend – January 18^th – is the bitch of the bunch.  Holy lord, if you like shitty movies, pack a fucking lunch and plan to be at the theater all day.  This weekend is for YOU.  I’ll get to the full list in Part 2 of this diatribe, but the highlight is, of course, THE LAST STAND. 

This one holds a special place of rancor in my heart because I read the original script four years ago and thought it was absolutely atrocious.  Even knowing what I do about the Hollywood process, it was hard to swallow that this one was getting made.  And yet somehow, when I saw the first trailer, it actually got worse.  I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore by the bullshit Hollywood produces, but there I was, sitting at my computer, staring at the sheriff of a small Arizona border town, who, with the help of his band of merry men (and one woman, of course), was trying to stop an escaped drug dealer from hauling ass to Mexico in a Corvette. 

Now, the script was full of your stock, archetypal action movie characters:  the middle-aged sheriff, the hard-ass deputy who aspires to work in a big city, the goofy deputy for comic relief, and the hot female deputy who just wants to be taken seriously and somehow started her career in the asshole of the desert.  But after seeing them onscreen for the first time, they were even more gross than on the page.  It felt like the director, Jee-woon Kim (who has made some pretty good Korean movies – I SAW THE DEVIL, in particular) decided to make all the characters even more quirky than before … just for the sake of being quirky … and possibly borderline retarded, as well – jackasses, if you will.  Johnny Knoxville’s character’s name is Lewis Dinkum --pretty sure that’s all I need to say about that … except that he appears to be bastardizing one of the most beloved characters in cinema history by is doing his “best” Uncle Eddie impression from National Lampoon’s CHRISTMAS VACATION. 

 

“Shitter was full!”

“Ahhh.  Did you check our shitters, honey?”

Sorry about that.  Had to be done.  Anyway, it’s a plague on both their houses.  The only response I can think of to combat this tragic and sacrilegious parody of a cherished piece of my childhood is turn my back, tilt up my nose, and say good day, sir.  I said, good day!

Our only hope as a society, is that YOU, the idiots who would normally see a movie like this, stay home this weekend.  Maybe there’s a monster truck rally on TV, or a rerun of Swamp People.  Or you got your hand shredded in the blender when you dropped your phone in it while making your sixth batch of margaritas – after you already ran out of tequila and started making them with Pabst Blue Ribbon but didn’t care because you were too drunk by that point to taste the difference anyway – and reached in to get it while the blender was still going and had to be rushed to the emergency room.  

Movies like this get made because people like you buy $200 million dollars worth of tickets to see FAST FIVE, which signals to Hollywood that all you want are shitty movies that require you to do nothing more than slobber on your popcorn, drool on your shirt, and merely absorb the “entertainment” through your ocular muscles before forcing it down behind your nose so that it never reaches your brain … like you forced down that last shot of Jager at the end of the night which it sounded like a good idea at the time but on some subconscious level you knew was a terrible idea and you would regret it the next morning.  Remember that?  Probably not, but it hurt like a bitch anyway, didn’t it?  Yes,YOU, the drooling mongoloid, are the reason Hollywood produces shitty movies. 

Here’s a quick historical recap:  the movie studios sold their souls to corporate giants a long time ago.  The stockholders of these massive corporations only care about money, therefore the corporations only care about money, therefore the movie studios only care about money so that they can satisfy the corporation’s stockholders and keep making themselves rich.  Since the movie studios are easily the riskiest business venture in the corporation’s portfolio, they can’t afford to take risks with the movies they make, lest their Ferraris and mansions in Malibu get wrested from their greedy little fingers.  So, they produce the same shit over and over again because you’ve proven over and over again that you’ll see it and pay them their money (three MEN IN BLACK movies, five FAST AND FURIOUS movies, two HANGOVER movies with a third on the way – come on, the second one was crap and you know it … and yes, I’ll admit a slight hypocrisy here:  I saw the second one in the theater with the hope that this time they might actually break the standard comedy sequel model of simply recycling the exact same jokes that worked in the first one.  My hope was crushed, yet again.  Well played, Hollywood, well played).

But, to show that I have a sensitive side, too, I understand that we live in a free society and in a free society, you have the right to be a drooling mongoloid if you want to.  You have the right to see any damn movie you please – it’s your choice.  BUT, like all choices, it has a consequence:  if you choose to see THE LAST STAND – or anything resembling it past, present, or future – you automatically forfeit the right to bitch about the quality of movies that get produced by Hollywood.  You have no idea how many times people have asked me, when they see a new preview on TV, “how does this shit get made?”

It hurts me a little to say it, but the answer is always simple:  YOU.  YOU’RE the reason shit like this gets made.  Well, no, okay, maybe not you, but probably the guy next to you.  If he stopped shelling out dollars in record numbers to see these movies, Hollywood would stop making them.  I promise.  But if he keeps it up, we’re all doomed.  It’s time to pack our shit and get down to bunker.  The apocalypse is coming. 

TO BE CONTINUED …

BEARS SEASON FINALE -- BURLACHER ATTENDS HIS FIRST GAME, LAMENTS ABOUT THE SEASON, LOVES CHRISTMAS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The scene: Burlacher pacing his condo, pointing his Star Wars Light Saber (he got for Christmas) with purpose at inanimate objects as he crescendos to profound statements.

“To all Bears fans, personal friends and followers – I need to sincerely apology for my notable absence the past few weeks.  I abandoned you when you needed my guidance and strength the most, and for that, I hope you can forgive me. It’s not an excuse but I feel you deserve to know -- after having the best time of my life at my first Bears game on December 23^rd where we were victorious over the Cardinals and then immediately begin so devastated by Packmen not doing their job -- I ran from the pain and promptly turned my focus to Christmas shopping. " 

"Then, I received so many presents from family, friends and (of course) my fans that I couldn’t neglect, I needed to find the time to give my final blog the full attention it deserved; the attention that you deserved (Light Saber pointed at scrapbook a fan made for him).”

 

Burlacher takes a moment to collect himself, and continues…

“That said, your calls, emails, texts, cards etc. did not gone unnoticed, and I do want to be perfectly clear when I say, I hate the Packmen. I hate them when they win, I hate them when they lose.  And I believe they are in the NFL to intentionally screw us, and no other reason. I know you all feel the same and it is with every ounce of my strength that I muster these next words – we must move forward.  It’s been two weeks now since our playoff dreams have been snatched out from under us, but if you’re anything like me, it still hurts like it was yesterday. So I ask you, please be there for your neighbors and friends as we go through this troubling time together; we need each other now more than ever. And more importantly, go buy 49ers gear and transition with a vengeance on January 12^th like any good Bears fan would!”

(Light Saber pointed to the ceiling in triumph, standing statuesque and pausing for dramatic emphasis)

 

“I don’t want to end on a negative note so I do want to share that even though Uncle Brian did not play against the Cardinals, I really enjoyed the nachos and beer.  It was a bit chilly but I had my scarf, oh and I got cleats!  I could not contain my excitement when I opened them (pre game present) as I’ve always wanted footwear but didn’t want to appear high maintenance by forcing the issue.”

 

“There was one intense moment during the game when I was overcome with excitement and found myself crowd surfing…. I almost pulled it off with no incident and then my helmet went flying and I poured my beer on someone’s head (accident).  Security came after me so I jumped in the arms of new friends next to me but security found me - I think because my friends had on face paint and I didn’t, but regardless I was reprimanded… security said I should never crowd surf with a beer in my hand and threatened to kick me out. I thought fast and explained it was my first time surfing and obviously next time I would never take the beer with me, and they let me stay." 

"Others said they let me stay because I was cute and because that logic didn’t make sense, but honestly I don’t care because the people in front of me finally noticed I was wee-er than most and couldn’t see past them when seated, so they parted like the Red Sea so my view of Uncle Brian calling plays from the sideline was unobstructed.”

“I did get my own seat on the bus ride home, though, which was great because sometimes Cupcake makes me share with her on planes.  Anyway, the point is I got sweet aviator sunglasses for Christmas that I even wear at night so people don’t recognize me when I’m out on the town. I’m also taller because of my cleats so I’m able to approach women I ordinarily wouldn’t.  Oh, and I’m learning to play the guitar in the off season so I don’t obsess over who our new coach will be (we will miss you Lovie – it was a good run) and Cupcake tells me a hobby may keep me out of trouble this year.  We’ll see."  

"On that note, if you, or anyone you know would like to send me more gifts in the off season, please send them to: 51 --”

   

Cupcake: “NO! Don’t give people your address, Burlacher!”

Burlacher: “Why? I want more gifts.”

Cupcake: “You got plenty… we’ll get you a PO Box next year.”

Burlacher: “I don’t know what that is but fine, please forward all gifts this year to Uncle Brian and he will get them to me. Thanks so much.  Go 49ers!  And I’ll see you at the draft….”

BEARS WEEK 15 -- FORGETTABLE (or, the week before Burlacher sees his first live NFL game)

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene: Half Moon Sports Bar, usual spots.

Upon the Packers scoring on their first Drive of the second half – taking the score to 21-7 Packers lead, Burlacher covered his eyes with his new Holiday scarf, sucked down his third Bloody Mary and mumbled something about “…not being able to watch, it’s just too painful to lose to the Packers twice in one season….” 

He peaked only once when Mare, our backup kicker, scored our second field goal with 7 minutes left making the score within reach at 21 - 13…. An optimist would have believed we were back in the game but those close to Burlacher recall him saying something like, “I can’t let myself get excited, my heart can’t take this roller coaster…” he then promptly recovered his eyes and ordered a fourth Bloody.

His suspicions were correct and 21-13 was the final score that fateful Sunday (3 days ago), marking our second loss to the Packers in one season (unusual).  Burlacher went to bed early that evening, a wee bit perplexed and slightly depressed. However, like any true fan, he awoke the next day with a new outlook… sipping his coffee, lounging in his bathrobe and watching game recaps on ESPN, he profoundly stated… “We will be victorious this Sunday against the Cardinals, I will be at the game and I feel I give them courage and provide inspiration.”

Me: “Do you think maybe the Bears are just better than the Cardinals this year and that’s why you are predicting the win?”

Burlacher: (Proudly) “No, when they see me on that sideline, nothing else matters…”

I questioned if that really made sense or maybe there should have been more to the sentence, but I saw no need to burst his bubble.  Let the countdown begin to Burlacher’s first experience inside an NFL stadium cheering on his team…

BEARS WEEK 14 -- BURLACHER VISITS SANTA; IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE RESULTS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene:  Burlacher’s condo – Evening – Thursday December 6.  Burlacher is watching Sportscenter from his favorite chair.  Burlacher has just learned the news that Uncle Brian will be out for Sunday’s game against the Vikings – he jumps from his chair and races to the coat closet, pulls out his Christmas hat and scarf, appears to be preparing to leave…

Me: “Burlacher, where are you going?”

Burlacher: (focused on tying is scarf) “I’m leaving – I must speak with Santa right away.”

Me: “Why? How is Santa going to help you?”

Burlacher: “Listen Cupcake, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks… we won on Thanksgiving but I got in trouble trying to steal the honey before dinner.  Then, I was so confident going into overtime against the Seahawks, I even challenged our neighbor bear, Skittles, to a stare off and that win was taken right out from under me. I need help this time. I need a comeback win against the Vikings but I can’t tell you what I’m going to ask Santa for or it won’t come true.”

Me: “Burlacher, this is not a birthday wish. You can tell me.”

The Stare Off

Burlacher: (standing  in the doorway, still fussing with his scarf) “Fine, I want him to make sure Uncle Brian and Timmy Jennings play and I want him to make sure we win. (now starring up at me) And I want one more thing if he has time but those are the most important. We need to go now, I hate lines.”

The Scene:  Burlacher in line to see Santa – talks a big game but is very nervous, watching closely to those going before him to devise a strategy. Burlacher’s turn… walks confidently to Santa, stops in front of him and looks up…

Burlacher: (all business) “Santa, we need to talk.”

Santa: (picks him up and sets him on his knee) “Oh really!? What can I get for you this year little man?”

Waiting nervously for Santa

Burlacher: (looking Santa directly in the eyes) “Well, my name is Burlacher and I want my Christmas present early. I am worried about my Uncle Brian, he’s injured and we have big game this weekend - major division rivalry against the Vikings - and we need to win. I need you to make sure my Uncle plays; and if you can, Timmy Jennings too please.”

Santa:  “I will certainly do what I can, is that all you want for Christmas?”

Burlacher: “There is one more thing, but I need you to focus on the game, so I will only tell you if you feel you will have time for everything…

Santa: “Lets hear it…?”

Burlacher: “Well, (looking down at his feet) I really need cleats. I think some of my friends don’t take me seriously because I don’t have footware. But that’s only if you have time, but I would appreciate it. And that’s for Christmas Day, not now; now I need Uncle Brian to play and for us to beat the Vikings.”

Santa: “I will work on both of those… but make sure you put those cleats on your list so I don’t forget…”

Burlacher: “Will do Santa. Oh, and don’t take it personally if I eat all your cookies, I know I did that last year and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I hope you don’t hold that against me cuz I really need the things I asked for this year.”

The Scene: Bulacher’s Codo – morning – Bears v. Vikings Game Day.  Burlacher, zoned in on pregame - changes from his hat to his helmet.

Burlacher: (in his chair, talking to himself while laying out the starting line up on mini white board) “Santa let me down, Uncle Brian and Timmy are not playing, I have little hope for our defense; but he gave us Alshon back, which I didn’t ask for, but is critical because Earl is concussed, so maybe with Hester, Brandon and Alshon we have a shot of our offense scoring.”

Game Begin - Adrian Peterson scores on the Vikings first run. No reaction from Burlacher, this was expected. Viking score again almost immediately. Not going well.

Burlacher: (fuming) “Santa is a liar.”

Me: “Don’t be so harsh… you asked for others things too, maybe he’s focused on those…”

Burlacher: (very irritated) “I asked for one other thing, only one, and I made it clear that came second to Uncle Brian playing and Bears win.  Santa doesn’t care about me.”

Just then Cutler throws to Alshon in the end zone… Touchdown!!  Burlacher, caught off guard, so busy complaining he almost missed it… Jumps to his feet in his chair and starts to shimmy, no time for a full victory lap before Robbie has kicked our extra point.  Trailing 17-7 at half…. Burlacher turns his attention to the Christmas tree as a distraction and continues the decorating he started the evening before. 

The second half starts and Burlacher is back in his seat at attention. 3rd quarter reveals little action until Cutler’s pass intended for Marshall is intercepted and the Vikings run it in for at touchdown. Back and forth drives continue for both teams throughout the 4th quarter but the game remains 21-7. With 5 minutes left Cutler is taken out with a mild neck injury, replaced by back up QB Jason Campbell.  Immediately, as if it were a reflex, and with no expression - Burlacher slides out of his chair, walks to the Christmas tree, changes from his helmet to his hat, climbs back on his step stool (regulation size Bears helmet) and begins decorating.

Me: “What are you doing? There is plenty of time left?”

Burlacher: “Cutler is out Cupcake. I should not need to say more but I realize you’re not as knowledgeable as me so I will tell you, this means we have conceded the loss and our focus is on the Packers next week; I just can’t watch anymore.”

Me: “Okay but Campbell just threw a touchdown pass to Marshall.”

Burlacher: (not watching, his back to the tv) “I don’t want to address this again, I don’t have my helmet on which means, as you know, I’m no longer watching and I don’t care. There is not enough time for us to come back with the lineup we have in the game, both teams know that and they’re barely defending us now, so for my own sanity I have transitioned and I suggest you do the same.”

Me: “But what if we win the onside kick and we tie it up and we go into overtime…”

Burlacher: (rolling his eyes) “And it ends the same way the Seahawks game did? Let it go Cupcake…” (now examining the tree) I really need to focus on this tree…. There are so many bare spots on the side you worked on its embarrassing for you, I will fix it but please don’t touch anything when I’m done...”

THE HEISMAN 2012 -- yawn -- WAIT, WHAT WERE WE SAYING?

(by Lyko)

It’s “Touchdown” Jesus, Not “Tackles for a Loss” Jesus

(Or, why this is not the year for us to stop being afraid to give the Heisman to a defensive player)[1]

If you don't know this one, leave now

So, the Heisman trust has announced that they will only be reserving three seats in NYC on Saturday.  While I understand that this award that I have had a mild obsession with since I began watching college football in the mid-80s is given every year, this happens to be one of the years I just wish they would skip it and broadcast the Outland Trophy presentation.  It is time to enact the non-existent “Torretta-Salaam” Clause of the non-existent Second Amendment of the non-existent Heisman Carta.  None of these three finalist have had the sorts of season that I remember out of Sanders, Jackson or Walker.  None of them have had the sorts of season that I have read that were had by Dorsett or Staubach. 

As a kid, I would pour over football books at the library, reading about Alan Ameche and Paul Hornung and the Misters Inside and Outside.  There was an awe factor to the award and its winners.  This year is decidedly short on awe.  This year does however guarantee a first.  Collin Klein would be the first ever winner from Kansas State, Johnny Manziel would be the first ever freshmen, and linebacker Manti T’eo of the reborn and the undefeated Fighting Irish would be the first purely defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy.  I’d prefer if we saw none of these firsts, but have the biggest problem T’eo.

Notre Dame LB Manti T'eo

Let’s be clear.  T’eo is a fantastic player.  From everything I have read or heard he is a young man of character as well as an absolute beast.  He is a worthy cover-boy for the deserved rise to prominence of a team that increases the value and enjoyment of all of college football by being relevant.  He will be a top five pick (possibly number one overall), and I will spend the next ten years imagining how good he would look in a Patriots uniform next to Dont’a Hightower and Jerod Mayo.  But Manti T’eo should not win the Heisman, and here is why:

1.     He may not even win the award for being the best player at his position.  Jarvis Jones was a finalist for the Butkus Award last year, a two-time All-American, and, he is the Defensive Player of the year in a conference that also boasts Milliner, Moore, Montgomery & Mingo – oh, and Jadevean Clowney.  Plus, throughout this season, Scouts, Inc. and the Sith Lord Kiper have consistently ranked Jones ahead of T’eo as a pro prospect.

ESPN Draft Guru Mel Kiper, Jr.

2.     This is, obviously, a depleted year in terms of offensive standouts.  Last year gave us the rise of RGIII and the culmination of Andrew Luck.  Case Keenum through about 137 touchdown passes and only 5 interceptions.  Monte Ball flirted with Barry Sanders’ TD record.  I mean, the guy who finished 10^th in the voting, LaMichael James was the defending Doak Walker award winner and averaged 7.3 yards per carry last year.  Had Notre Dame and T’eo had this season last year, would T’eo have been a finalist?  Would he have finished higher in the voting than the Honey Badger?  I think not.  If he had his 2012 campaign last year, AGAIN he would not have been the best linebacker in the country.  On his player card on ESPN.com, Mel Vader writes that T’eo is having “one of the best seasons from an interior linebacker I can remember.”  Mel, Luke Kuechly averaged almost 16 tackles a game last year.  He was an absolute machine surrounded by far inferior recruiting classes than what T’eo played with.  Kuechly was a two time All American, the MVP of every bowl he ever played in and in his last year won the Butkus, Nagurski and Lombardi Awards.  All of that and he didn’t even crack the top ten in Heisman voting.  This year, T’eo heads to NYC because Geno Smith flared out, WRs Bailey, Lee and Williams kind of cancel each other out and Matt Barkley accomplishes something extraordinary: he was, by almost all preseason pundit predictions, THE Heisman favorite and did not even get invited to the ceremony.[2]  So, a great season by a great player with a great story (who happens to be playing for the an undefeated team that is playing for the national championship) gets elevated and offered a trip the Big Apple because somebody had to.  Nonsense.

Frank Eliscu

3.     If the mold (kind of literally) is going to be broken, T’eo is not the guy.  This is not only an offensive award, it’s a backfield award.  Only six players have ever won it that were not a running back or a quarterback.  Don’t blame the voters or the fans, blame sculptor Frank Eliscu.  The moment he handed NYU standout Ed Smith a football and asked him to pose with his right leg forward and his right arm out, he condemned the Heisman Trophy to be given ball carriers.   Woodson aside, T’eo would be the first defensive player to win it and is one of the few defensive invitees.  Since 1980, 35 defensive players have finished in the top ten in the voting, but only eight of them finished as finalists[3] – Hugh Green, Dave Rimington, Brian Bosworth, Marvin Jones, Orlando Pace, Charles Woodson, Ndamunkong Suh and The Honey Badger.  Besides Jones & The HB, this is a list that T’eo can’t hang with in terms of legacy.   Suh was more dominant, Pace and Woodson will make the Hall of Fame at both levels, Dave Rimington has an award named after him and Hugh Green (the only defensive player ever to finish as runner up besides Alex Karras) was possibly the greatest defensive collegiate ever.  And what of The Boz?  If it weren’t for the anabolics and the antics, the winner of the first two Butkus awards might get the credit he deserves.[4]  If T’eo does not win the Heisman, I do not see him being remembered on the collegiate level with Green, Rimington, Woodson or Pace.  For my money Suh was an absolutely terrifying player, and in terms of excitement factor and making huge plays, the Honey Badger’s 2011 season was far more celebration-worthy.  If that little guy is ever gonna drop that ball and use that stiff arm to wrap somebody up, I just don’t think T’eo and his season are reason enough to do it.

South Carolina DE Jadaveon Clowney

If T’eo wins, it certainly will not be the greatest miscarriage of Heisman justice, but it will be a let down.  I still hold out for this award to excite me the way it did when I was 11 (it was 1988, Barry Sanders provided plenty excitement), and T’eo isn’t doing it.  Alas, maybe I’m just cynical.  Maybe it will never be as exciting as when I was a kid.  But I say, just give the thing to Klein. T’eo can go dominate at the pro level and let’s leave “first defensive player to win” to another year.

Yo, Mr. Clowney, I’m talking to you here.

---

[1] I believe Charles Woodson should be listed as a defensive player only if an asterisk is involved.  Yes, he had 8 interceptions in his final season as a Wolverine, but his signature moment was the punt return for a TD in his last Michigan/Ohio St. game when UM was #2 and OSU was #4.  If Woodson doesn’t return that punt, or if he does and the Buckeyes still win then Peyton Manning wins the Heisman.

[2] This observation provided by Christopher Toussaint Burke

[3] The only info I could find was top ten voting lists, so unless I knew otherwise I am using finalist to mean players who finished in the top five.

[4] For what it’s worth, The Boz has been very vocal this year about T’eo and how Heisman’s legitimacy is in question because of it never goes to a defensive player.