Every city has its unique
quirks. For example, I grew up in Boston.
Our particular characteristics included rampant binge drinking, above
ground pools and a proclivity for Greek owned pizzerias. So I have some
experience with weird cities. I’ve now lived in Los Angeles for almost nine
years. According to my calculations that’s about 500,000 days. (Editor’s note: figures are approximate) Here
are some of the reasons why Los Angeles is our Nation’s definitively strange
city:
-This afternoon the Los
Angeles Police Department discovered a decapitated body. As of tonight they
were still holding off on declaring this a homicide. Understand what this means
-- in Los Angeles, murder is not necessarily the reason you might stumble upon
a headless corpse on the street. (Editor’s
Note: It is a reason why Los Angeles isn’t a walking city.)
- 90% of Los Angeles
residents under 30 work in the Yoga industry. This only succeeds because they
spend a lot of time going to each other’s yoga classes. So without a constant
influx of 20-something yogi’s into Los Angeles the whole system would collapse.
That’s right, this City has created the world’s first economy based on a yoga
Ponzi scheme.
- Los Angeles is the second largest city in America. It is the
world’s third largest economic center. Like thousands of other politicians, Los
Angeles’ Mayor went to law school. What’s the difference? Our mayor failed the
bar exam four times. Seriously, four times. I’m not sure what’s worse, that he
failed the Bar Exam four times or that he continued to believe he would
eventually pass. (Editor’s Note: Tis far,
far better to be stupid and self-aware than stupid and not know it.) New
York City has one of the world’s most successful businessmen as Mayor. Los
Angeles has the least distinguished graduate from the People’s College of Law. (Editor’s Note: That sounds like the name of
a law school in North Korea)
 |
| Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa |
- This may be a good time to
mention that Los Angeles is Spanish for angels. It’s safe to say this is
America’s most ironically named city. That is, unless, San Antonio is actually
the Spanish word for thin.
- Los Angeles tourist
attractions revolve around death. We have the Viper Room, where River Phoenix
overdosed on…well, pretty much everything. Down the road you visit the Chateau
Marmont. Otherwise known as the hotel where John Belushi overdosed on…well,
pretty much everything. Also, this is where Lindsay Lohan regularly attempts to
overdose on…well, pretty much everything.
Take a ride to the OJ Simpson murder scene. (Editor’s Note: Alleged murder scene!) Sorry, alleged murder scene. Los
Angeles is where OJ ended up in jail for something other than murdering two
people. And don’t worry if you have
kids. We have a grizzly tourist attraction just for them. Swing by the La Brea
Tar Pits, a giant pool of oozing goo slowly revealing the bones of animals
which have been dead for tens of thousands of years.
- Los Angeles is a national
melting pot of ridiculously good looking women. But the city’s most famous
strip club, Jumbo’s Clown Room, regularly showcases the world’s least
attractive strippers. Why? Because in Los Angeles a strip club isn’t a place to
see beautiful women. They’re a refuge from them. (Editor’s Note: At least until the Yoga Ponzi Scheme collapses.)
- Finally, after a long day
of traversing this unfailingly weird city, you get home just in time to catch
the local news. You absolutely have to know whether it’s going to be 77 or 80
degrees tomorrow. Not only does your local weather have five separate forecasts
(Editor’s Note: Downtown, Beach,
Mountains, Valley and Inland Empire) but your local weather man’s name is Johnny
Mountain. Los Angeles…the only city where you don’t even doubt that’s his real
name.
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