BEARS WEEK 15 -- FORGETTABLE (or, the week before Burlacher sees his first live NFL game)

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene: Half Moon Sports Bar, usual spots.

Upon the Packers scoring on their first Drive of the second half – taking the score to 21-7 Packers lead, Burlacher covered his eyes with his new Holiday scarf, sucked down his third Bloody Mary and mumbled something about “…not being able to watch, it’s just too painful to lose to the Packers twice in one season….” 

He peaked only once when Mare, our backup kicker, scored our second field goal with 7 minutes left making the score within reach at 21 - 13…. An optimist would have believed we were back in the game but those close to Burlacher recall him saying something like, “I can’t let myself get excited, my heart can’t take this roller coaster…” he then promptly recovered his eyes and ordered a fourth Bloody.

His suspicions were correct and 21-13 was the final score that fateful Sunday (3 days ago), marking our second loss to the Packers in one season (unusual).  Burlacher went to bed early that evening, a wee bit perplexed and slightly depressed. However, like any true fan, he awoke the next day with a new outlook… sipping his coffee, lounging in his bathrobe and watching game recaps on ESPN, he profoundly stated… “We will be victorious this Sunday against the Cardinals, I will be at the game and I feel I give them courage and provide inspiration.”

Me: “Do you think maybe the Bears are just better than the Cardinals this year and that’s why you are predicting the win?”

Burlacher: (Proudly) “No, when they see me on that sideline, nothing else matters…”

I questioned if that really made sense or maybe there should have been more to the sentence, but I saw no need to burst his bubble.  Let the countdown begin to Burlacher’s first experience inside an NFL stadium cheering on his team…

BEARS WEEK 14 -- BURLACHER VISITS SANTA; IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE RESULTS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene:  Burlacher’s condo – Evening – Thursday December 6.  Burlacher is watching Sportscenter from his favorite chair.  Burlacher has just learned the news that Uncle Brian will be out for Sunday’s game against the Vikings – he jumps from his chair and races to the coat closet, pulls out his Christmas hat and scarf, appears to be preparing to leave…

Me: “Burlacher, where are you going?”

Burlacher: (focused on tying is scarf) “I’m leaving – I must speak with Santa right away.”

Me: “Why? How is Santa going to help you?”

Burlacher: “Listen Cupcake, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks… we won on Thanksgiving but I got in trouble trying to steal the honey before dinner.  Then, I was so confident going into overtime against the Seahawks, I even challenged our neighbor bear, Skittles, to a stare off and that win was taken right out from under me. I need help this time. I need a comeback win against the Vikings but I can’t tell you what I’m going to ask Santa for or it won’t come true.”

Me: “Burlacher, this is not a birthday wish. You can tell me.”

The Stare Off

Burlacher: (standing  in the doorway, still fussing with his scarf) “Fine, I want him to make sure Uncle Brian and Timmy Jennings play and I want him to make sure we win. (now starring up at me) And I want one more thing if he has time but those are the most important. We need to go now, I hate lines.”

The Scene:  Burlacher in line to see Santa – talks a big game but is very nervous, watching closely to those going before him to devise a strategy. Burlacher’s turn… walks confidently to Santa, stops in front of him and looks up…

Burlacher: (all business) “Santa, we need to talk.”

Santa: (picks him up and sets him on his knee) “Oh really!? What can I get for you this year little man?”

Waiting nervously for Santa

Burlacher: (looking Santa directly in the eyes) “Well, my name is Burlacher and I want my Christmas present early. I am worried about my Uncle Brian, he’s injured and we have big game this weekend - major division rivalry against the Vikings - and we need to win. I need you to make sure my Uncle plays; and if you can, Timmy Jennings too please.”

Santa:  “I will certainly do what I can, is that all you want for Christmas?”

Burlacher: “There is one more thing, but I need you to focus on the game, so I will only tell you if you feel you will have time for everything…

Santa: “Lets hear it…?”

Burlacher: “Well, (looking down at his feet) I really need cleats. I think some of my friends don’t take me seriously because I don’t have footware. But that’s only if you have time, but I would appreciate it. And that’s for Christmas Day, not now; now I need Uncle Brian to play and for us to beat the Vikings.”

Santa: “I will work on both of those… but make sure you put those cleats on your list so I don’t forget…”

Burlacher: “Will do Santa. Oh, and don’t take it personally if I eat all your cookies, I know I did that last year and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I hope you don’t hold that against me cuz I really need the things I asked for this year.”

The Scene: Bulacher’s Codo – morning – Bears v. Vikings Game Day.  Burlacher, zoned in on pregame - changes from his hat to his helmet.

Burlacher: (in his chair, talking to himself while laying out the starting line up on mini white board) “Santa let me down, Uncle Brian and Timmy are not playing, I have little hope for our defense; but he gave us Alshon back, which I didn’t ask for, but is critical because Earl is concussed, so maybe with Hester, Brandon and Alshon we have a shot of our offense scoring.”

Game Begin - Adrian Peterson scores on the Vikings first run. No reaction from Burlacher, this was expected. Viking score again almost immediately. Not going well.

Burlacher: (fuming) “Santa is a liar.”

Me: “Don’t be so harsh… you asked for others things too, maybe he’s focused on those…”

Burlacher: (very irritated) “I asked for one other thing, only one, and I made it clear that came second to Uncle Brian playing and Bears win.  Santa doesn’t care about me.”

Just then Cutler throws to Alshon in the end zone… Touchdown!!  Burlacher, caught off guard, so busy complaining he almost missed it… Jumps to his feet in his chair and starts to shimmy, no time for a full victory lap before Robbie has kicked our extra point.  Trailing 17-7 at half…. Burlacher turns his attention to the Christmas tree as a distraction and continues the decorating he started the evening before. 

The second half starts and Burlacher is back in his seat at attention. 3rd quarter reveals little action until Cutler’s pass intended for Marshall is intercepted and the Vikings run it in for at touchdown. Back and forth drives continue for both teams throughout the 4th quarter but the game remains 21-7. With 5 minutes left Cutler is taken out with a mild neck injury, replaced by back up QB Jason Campbell.  Immediately, as if it were a reflex, and with no expression - Burlacher slides out of his chair, walks to the Christmas tree, changes from his helmet to his hat, climbs back on his step stool (regulation size Bears helmet) and begins decorating.

Me: “What are you doing? There is plenty of time left?”

Burlacher: “Cutler is out Cupcake. I should not need to say more but I realize you’re not as knowledgeable as me so I will tell you, this means we have conceded the loss and our focus is on the Packers next week; I just can’t watch anymore.”

Me: “Okay but Campbell just threw a touchdown pass to Marshall.”

Burlacher: (not watching, his back to the tv) “I don’t want to address this again, I don’t have my helmet on which means, as you know, I’m no longer watching and I don’t care. There is not enough time for us to come back with the lineup we have in the game, both teams know that and they’re barely defending us now, so for my own sanity I have transitioned and I suggest you do the same.”

Me: “But what if we win the onside kick and we tie it up and we go into overtime…”

Burlacher: (rolling his eyes) “And it ends the same way the Seahawks game did? Let it go Cupcake…” (now examining the tree) I really need to focus on this tree…. There are so many bare spots on the side you worked on its embarrassing for you, I will fix it but please don’t touch anything when I’m done...”

THE HEISMAN 2012 -- yawn -- WAIT, WHAT WERE WE SAYING?

(by Lyko)

It’s “Touchdown” Jesus, Not “Tackles for a Loss” Jesus

(Or, why this is not the year for us to stop being afraid to give the Heisman to a defensive player)[1]

If you don't know this one, leave now

So, the Heisman trust has announced that they will only be reserving three seats in NYC on Saturday.  While I understand that this award that I have had a mild obsession with since I began watching college football in the mid-80s is given every year, this happens to be one of the years I just wish they would skip it and broadcast the Outland Trophy presentation.  It is time to enact the non-existent “Torretta-Salaam” Clause of the non-existent Second Amendment of the non-existent Heisman Carta.  None of these three finalist have had the sorts of season that I remember out of Sanders, Jackson or Walker.  None of them have had the sorts of season that I have read that were had by Dorsett or Staubach. 

As a kid, I would pour over football books at the library, reading about Alan Ameche and Paul Hornung and the Misters Inside and Outside.  There was an awe factor to the award and its winners.  This year is decidedly short on awe.  This year does however guarantee a first.  Collin Klein would be the first ever winner from Kansas State, Johnny Manziel would be the first ever freshmen, and linebacker Manti T’eo of the reborn and the undefeated Fighting Irish would be the first purely defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy.  I’d prefer if we saw none of these firsts, but have the biggest problem T’eo.

Notre Dame LB Manti T'eo

Let’s be clear.  T’eo is a fantastic player.  From everything I have read or heard he is a young man of character as well as an absolute beast.  He is a worthy cover-boy for the deserved rise to prominence of a team that increases the value and enjoyment of all of college football by being relevant.  He will be a top five pick (possibly number one overall), and I will spend the next ten years imagining how good he would look in a Patriots uniform next to Dont’a Hightower and Jerod Mayo.  But Manti T’eo should not win the Heisman, and here is why:

1.     He may not even win the award for being the best player at his position.  Jarvis Jones was a finalist for the Butkus Award last year, a two-time All-American, and, he is the Defensive Player of the year in a conference that also boasts Milliner, Moore, Montgomery & Mingo – oh, and Jadevean Clowney.  Plus, throughout this season, Scouts, Inc. and the Sith Lord Kiper have consistently ranked Jones ahead of T’eo as a pro prospect.

ESPN Draft Guru Mel Kiper, Jr.

2.     This is, obviously, a depleted year in terms of offensive standouts.  Last year gave us the rise of RGIII and the culmination of Andrew Luck.  Case Keenum through about 137 touchdown passes and only 5 interceptions.  Monte Ball flirted with Barry Sanders’ TD record.  I mean, the guy who finished 10^th in the voting, LaMichael James was the defending Doak Walker award winner and averaged 7.3 yards per carry last year.  Had Notre Dame and T’eo had this season last year, would T’eo have been a finalist?  Would he have finished higher in the voting than the Honey Badger?  I think not.  If he had his 2012 campaign last year, AGAIN he would not have been the best linebacker in the country.  On his player card on ESPN.com, Mel Vader writes that T’eo is having “one of the best seasons from an interior linebacker I can remember.”  Mel, Luke Kuechly averaged almost 16 tackles a game last year.  He was an absolute machine surrounded by far inferior recruiting classes than what T’eo played with.  Kuechly was a two time All American, the MVP of every bowl he ever played in and in his last year won the Butkus, Nagurski and Lombardi Awards.  All of that and he didn’t even crack the top ten in Heisman voting.  This year, T’eo heads to NYC because Geno Smith flared out, WRs Bailey, Lee and Williams kind of cancel each other out and Matt Barkley accomplishes something extraordinary: he was, by almost all preseason pundit predictions, THE Heisman favorite and did not even get invited to the ceremony.[2]  So, a great season by a great player with a great story (who happens to be playing for the an undefeated team that is playing for the national championship) gets elevated and offered a trip the Big Apple because somebody had to.  Nonsense.

Frank Eliscu

3.     If the mold (kind of literally) is going to be broken, T’eo is not the guy.  This is not only an offensive award, it’s a backfield award.  Only six players have ever won it that were not a running back or a quarterback.  Don’t blame the voters or the fans, blame sculptor Frank Eliscu.  The moment he handed NYU standout Ed Smith a football and asked him to pose with his right leg forward and his right arm out, he condemned the Heisman Trophy to be given ball carriers.   Woodson aside, T’eo would be the first defensive player to win it and is one of the few defensive invitees.  Since 1980, 35 defensive players have finished in the top ten in the voting, but only eight of them finished as finalists[3] – Hugh Green, Dave Rimington, Brian Bosworth, Marvin Jones, Orlando Pace, Charles Woodson, Ndamunkong Suh and The Honey Badger.  Besides Jones & The HB, this is a list that T’eo can’t hang with in terms of legacy.   Suh was more dominant, Pace and Woodson will make the Hall of Fame at both levels, Dave Rimington has an award named after him and Hugh Green (the only defensive player ever to finish as runner up besides Alex Karras) was possibly the greatest defensive collegiate ever.  And what of The Boz?  If it weren’t for the anabolics and the antics, the winner of the first two Butkus awards might get the credit he deserves.[4]  If T’eo does not win the Heisman, I do not see him being remembered on the collegiate level with Green, Rimington, Woodson or Pace.  For my money Suh was an absolutely terrifying player, and in terms of excitement factor and making huge plays, the Honey Badger’s 2011 season was far more celebration-worthy.  If that little guy is ever gonna drop that ball and use that stiff arm to wrap somebody up, I just don’t think T’eo and his season are reason enough to do it.

South Carolina DE Jadaveon Clowney

If T’eo wins, it certainly will not be the greatest miscarriage of Heisman justice, but it will be a let down.  I still hold out for this award to excite me the way it did when I was 11 (it was 1988, Barry Sanders provided plenty excitement), and T’eo isn’t doing it.  Alas, maybe I’m just cynical.  Maybe it will never be as exciting as when I was a kid.  But I say, just give the thing to Klein. T’eo can go dominate at the pro level and let’s leave “first defensive player to win” to another year.

Yo, Mr. Clowney, I’m talking to you here.

---

[1] I believe Charles Woodson should be listed as a defensive player only if an asterisk is involved.  Yes, he had 8 interceptions in his final season as a Wolverine, but his signature moment was the punt return for a TD in his last Michigan/Ohio St. game when UM was #2 and OSU was #4.  If Woodson doesn’t return that punt, or if he does and the Buckeyes still win then Peyton Manning wins the Heisman.

[2] This observation provided by Christopher Toussaint Burke

[3] The only info I could find was top ten voting lists, so unless I knew otherwise I am using finalist to mean players who finished in the top five.

[4] For what it’s worth, The Boz has been very vocal this year about T’eo and how Heisman’s legitimacy is in question because of it never goes to a defensive player.

WELCOME TO LOS STRANGELES

(by Burke)

Every city has its unique quirks. For example, I grew up in Boston.  Our particular characteristics included rampant binge drinking, above ground pools and a proclivity for Greek owned pizzerias. So I have some experience with weird cities. I’ve now lived in Los Angeles for almost nine years. According to my calculations that’s about 500,000 days. (Editor’s note: figures are approximate) Here are some of the reasons why Los Angeles is our Nation’s definitively strange city:

-This afternoon the Los Angeles Police Department discovered a decapitated body. As of tonight they were still holding off on declaring this a homicide. Understand what this means -- in Los Angeles, murder is not necessarily the reason you might stumble upon a headless corpse on the street. (Editor’s Note: It is a reason why Los Angeles isn’t a walking city.)

- 90% of Los Angeles residents under 30 work in the Yoga industry. This only succeeds because they spend a lot of time going to each other’s yoga classes. So without a constant influx of 20-something yogi’s into Los Angeles the whole system would collapse. That’s right, this City has created the world’s first economy based on a yoga Ponzi scheme.

-  Los Angeles is the second largest city in America. It is the world’s third largest economic center. Like thousands of other politicians, Los Angeles’ Mayor went to law school. What’s the difference? Our mayor failed the bar exam four times. Seriously, four times. I’m not sure what’s worse, that he failed the Bar Exam four times or that he continued to believe he would eventually pass. (Editor’s Note: Tis far, far better to be stupid and self-aware than stupid and not know it.) New York City has one of the world’s most successful businessmen as Mayor. Los Angeles has the least distinguished graduate from the People’s College of Law. (Editor’s Note: That sounds like the name of a law school in North Korea)

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa

- This may be a good time to mention that Los Angeles is Spanish for angels. It’s safe to say this is America’s most ironically named city. That is, unless, San Antonio is actually the Spanish word for thin.

- Los Angeles tourist attractions revolve around death. We have the Viper Room, where River Phoenix overdosed on…well, pretty much everything. Down the road you visit the Chateau Marmont. Otherwise known as the hotel where John Belushi overdosed on…well, pretty much everything. Also, this is where Lindsay Lohan regularly attempts to overdose on…well, pretty much everything. Take a ride to the OJ Simpson murder scene. (Editor’s Note: Alleged murder scene!) Sorry, alleged murder scene. Los Angeles is where OJ ended up in jail for something other than murdering two people.  And don’t worry if you have kids. We have a grizzly tourist attraction just for them. Swing by the La Brea Tar Pits, a giant pool of oozing goo slowly revealing the bones of animals which have been dead for tens of thousands of years.

- Los Angeles is a national melting pot of ridiculously good looking women. But the city’s most famous strip club, Jumbo’s Clown Room, regularly showcases the world’s least attractive strippers. Why? Because in Los Angeles a strip club isn’t a place to see beautiful women. They’re a refuge from them. (Editor’s Note: At least until the Yoga Ponzi Scheme collapses.)

- Finally, after a long day of traversing this unfailingly weird city, you get home just in time to catch the local news. You absolutely have to know whether it’s going to be 77 or 80 degrees tomorrow. Not only does your local weather have five separate forecasts (Editor’s Note: Downtown, Beach, Mountains, Valley and Inland Empire) but your local weather man’s name is Johnny Mountain. Los Angeles…the only city where you don’t even doubt that’s his real name.

 All of this and somehow not a single Greek-run pizzeria.