BEARS

BEARS WEEK 7

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Background – Burlacher has been sick the past few days and was thankful the Bears didn’t play until Monday so he could recoup over the weekend, but he’s is still not up to par - yet not nearly as sick as he thinks he is.

Burlacher: (shuffles from his bedroom, rubbing his eyes, just awoke from a nap) “I can’t make it to my interview tonight.”

Me: (eyes rolling, not having it) “You have to; the radio station is counting on you.”

Burlacher:  (drops to the floor, looking pathetic) “But I just don’t have the strength; I don’t feel I will do my best. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch from home tonight.”

Me: “Quit being a baby! You are a celebrity now, you can’t just miss interviews and scheduled appearances, you will disappoint millions (possibly an exaggeration) of people.”

Burlacher: “I know but…”

Me: “NO but! You’re going. You’ll do the pregame radio show, take pictures with your fans during the first half, and we will come home to watch the second half.”

Burlacher: (still on the ground, now rolled himself into the fetal position) “Fine. But I’m only agreeing because I don’t have the energy to fight with you right now.”

Scene: Sports Bar – Bears v. Lions Pregame Sports Radio Show in Progress, show host coming out of commercial…..

Host: “And we’re back with THE Burlacher… Welcome Burlacher, we know you’re very busy and we’re grateful to have you. First I’d like to ask, what is your prediction for this Monday night match up?”

Burlacher: “Thank you for having me.  I’ll start by saying confidently, our defense is prepared. I studied game film earlier this week with Mr. Briggs and my uncle Brian – we know how they scored on us last time and we just simply won’t let it happen again.  And naturally we can assume we’ll see good things from Charles tonight.”

Host: “Wow, that’s bold… the Lions have a fairly talented offense, are you predicting a shut out?”

Burlacher: (head shaking and gesturing – forgets this isn’t tv) “I am.”

Host: “Alright we’ll all be excited to see… what are your thoughts on the Bears offense tonight?”

Burlacher: “I’m glad you asked that because I’m a little worried about this Suh fellow… he’s had it out for Cutler for years now. He was fined $15,000 for unnecessary roughness when tackling Cutler a few years ago and I fear he’ll be out for him again. I do feel we’ll pull this one out though.”

Dan: “Suh is intense… Cutler should probably be worried, but it sounds like you predict the win and the shut out… but before I let you go, there is one question our listeners are dying to know… is Brian Urlacher really your Uncle?”

Burlacher: “I will not answer personal questions, this is about the game.”

Host: “But I think you even mentioned that earlier when…?”

Burlacher: (cuts him off) “I don’t recall exactly but I don’t feel comfortable discussing who may or who or may not be of relation to me in a public forum.”

Host: “Alright folks, Burlacher’s connection to Brian Urlacher remains a mystery but he did give us some great pregame insight and prediction of a Bears victory… so Burlacher, thank you for joining us!”

Burlacher: “My pleasure.”

Burlacher removes his headphones and takes his seat at the bar – Game time.

Bartender: “Burlacher, what are you drinkin’ tonight?”

Burlacher: “Water, not feeling the best.”

Bears opening drive = easy touchdown, Cutler to Brandon and Burlacher rolls to his knees and finally rises for his victory lap. We knew it would be a bit slower in his weakened state but we didn’t anticipate how short - he rounds the first corner of the bar and stops dead in his tracks. When I don’t see him round the bend, I quickly jump up in fear thinking perhaps he has collapsed - to find him standing in salute to a member of our military.  Burlacher, in awe and very curious, spends the second quarter partially watching the game with the decorated Navy Reserve and partially pummeling him with questions about his service, until finally I pull him away…

Me: “Burlacher, really, we have to leave – you’re not 100% and we need stop for tea for your throat and get you home on the couch.”

Burlacher: (fighting me) “I’m fine now! Have you met me new friend?”

Me: “Yes, and I’ve heard all your questions and we need to let the good man watch the game in peace now.”

Burlacher: (looking back and forth between me and his friend) “Oh, have I been bothering him? (looking just at me now after the man was smart enough not to answer) Fine, I will leave with you because I know next comes (now imitating my voice) you threatening to leave me here to walk home (back to his voice) and I just don’t want to hear it…”

Burlacher watches the third and fourth quarters from the couch, snuggled in a blanket, drinking chamomile tea as his Bears defense dominates - making big save (Charles Tillman) after big save (Brian Urlacher) in an effort to keep the predicted shut out when finally the Lions sneak in a TD.  I look at Burlacher as he is cuddled, facing the couch, almost asleep, no longer watching but still listening….

Me: “Burlacher, did you hear what happened?”

Burlacher: (mumbles) “I didn’t see it so it didn’t happen.”

Next Day – early morning

Burlacher: (seemingly refreshed and feeling much better, enters the kitchen for his morning coffee) “I am just in the best mood after that shut out last night. I predicted it and it came true! May I have some coffee.”

He enters the living room and turns on Sports Center (post game ritual), sips his coffee as the Bears highlights come on… spits out his coffee as they show the Lions touchdown in the last 30 seconds… “LIARS!”

Me: “Burlacher, highlights don’t lie.”

BEARS WEEK 5

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)
 

Background – Due to many scheduled appearances, Burlacher’s vacation days are limited so he often has to book trips long in advance.  Thus, his Chicago trip to Solider Field was planned prior to the schedule coming out for the season in hopes it would be a home game weekend, but alas, Burlacher was denied. But recovered well.

SCENE:  Saturday, Chicago, Downtown Hotel (not safe to reveal his exact location while in Chicago for obvious reasons)

Burlacher:  (shaking me awake) “Morning!! (very excited) Time to get up!” (already dressed in his uniform, ready for his trip to Soldier Field)

Me: “Okay, can we stop for breakfast?”

Burlacher:  “No.”

Me: “Coffee?”

Burlacher: “No. But we need to go to Barney’s; I didn’t pack a suit for that event tonight.  I’ve mapped out our day and it’s across the street, best to get it out of the way now.”

The event is actually a casual BBQ with close friends, but I know Burlacher likes to look his best so I don’t argue and we walk to Barney’s. The staff greets him by name and he’s lead directly to men’s suits (it’s clear they knew he was coming)… The staff becomes visibly nervous and deeply apologetic when there’s nothing in his size. Burlacher, now demanding coffee and pastries for his trouble, takes the extra time to be fitted for a custom suit we’ll be picking up later and we are finally on our way.

SCENE: Solider Field (Notre Dame v. Miami starts in a few hours, fans gathering….)

Burlacher: (hops out of the cab, was extremely excited - now noticeably overwhelmed manages to eek out as he looks around…) “WOW…. So this is where Uncle Brian and Charles play…its so big…”  (*Note –Burlacher has no relation to Brian Urlacher but he tells people that so often he’s started to believe it himself…)

Burlacher pulls himself together and notices one of the monuments on his map he’s wanted to see… he races over and jumps in front of a man holding his child, demanding his picture to be taken like it’s a scavenger hunt.

Me: “Burlacher, you’re in that family’s picture! Move aside and wait your turn.”

Burlacher: (disregarding my point and now looking at the family) “Scuz me (annoyed), I can’t help but notice you’re in Notre Dame uniforms. Do you know where you are? This is where my Uncle Brian plays, and I’ve traveled a long way to be here and you’re in my picture. Please leave now.”

Family looks at him, a bit appalled but have no rebuttal as he’s simply pointed out the facts - they gather their belongings and quickly back away. Just then two little kids come running up in Miami uniforms…

Burlacher: “No! No! NO! What is wrong with you people!?  Everyone clear out! Where are the parents of these kids? Sir! Get your kids under control… (parents come running in, frantically grabbing their kids while a half circle forms around the monument and Burlacher proceeds with his photo shoot – various poses: sitting, standing, serious, smiling, hand on his hip, profile shot, now touching the monument, etc)

Me: “Alright Burlacher, I think we’re done here(?).”

Burlacher: “Just one more shot! (smiles one more time) Okay, did we get some good ones?  Which one will Uncle Brian want for his mantel? Let me see them.” Burlacher refusing to leave his post, waves me over for photo review (Miami and ND fans don’t move, waiting more out of fear than patience). Burlacher determines he needs one more angle. (Crowd groans and Burlacher shoots them a look – everyone shuts up in unison).

Finally we’re done and Burlacher saunters to the main entry corridor like he owns the place and remains there, statuesque and awe-stricken for a few moments; then turns to me for what I thought was going to be a profound statement about the awesomeness of the stadium or the random college fans that were racing by not appreciating their surroundings… but he utters only three words with a shaky voice: “It’s cold here.”  Shivering just a little now but trying to be tough (didn’t pack a coat either), he walks to the cab line.

SCENE: Sunday, Game Day, Chicago Bar

Burlacher enters the bar with his Chicago entourage. Heads turn as we walk through and claim our spot... it takes only moments for fans to start timidly approaching for picture requests.  Burlacher, wanting to be focused on pre game strategy, also realizes what a big deal it is for anyone who is not him to meet him and graciously honors the requests of our table neighbors, promo girls, etc…

The game begins and the Bears, expected to win this one easily, are off to slow start.  Now late in the second quarter, still a 3-3 tie I remind Burlacher, “We have to leave at halftime for the airport.”

Burlacher: “No. I won’t go. Change our flight. Or just take my bag (his new suit). I will catch the next flight.”

Me: “I can’t, we already tried. This is the latest flight we could get today. You’re leaving with me.”

I start my round of goodbyes as Burlacher acts oblivious to the fact we are making an exit. A few minutes into halftime, our driver pulls up and I take my bag to the car… I get in and sit for few minutes, knowing Burlacher will cave…. Sure enough, at the last second Burlacher comes sprinting to the car, jumps in, out of breath panting “Turn on the game! Third Quarter just started!” He stares at me disgusted; as if I should be grateful he made the decision to join me. We sit silence, listening to the game as we head to the airport.

We arrive; Jacksonville has the ball so I get out, pay the driver, grab the bags and head for our terminal… half way there I realize Burlacher is still in the car, I turn around to see him thrust between the two front seats, fits pumping, screaming at the radio: “Go Charles! Go Charles! Go Charles… (throws his hand in the air) TOUCHDOWN!!!”  Burlacher jumps out, leaping across the hoods of multiple cars until he reaches me on the sidewalk, “Charles got an interception! And a touchdown!”

Me: “I gathered…. That’s great! (sharing his excitement but trying to keep us focused) We have to go.”

Boarding passes in hand, we shoot off to security. The TSA officer screening ID’s stops Burlacher with a quizzical look but not able to form the words… Burlacher clears things up, “I know, I was younger then” ...and quickly snatches back his ID and boarding pass before she can respond, then talks his way to the front of the metal detector line, “So sorry, we’re in a hurry, our plane is about to leave…” (total lie, he just wants to see the game).

We arrive at our gate, settle in and watch proudly as the Bears finish out the game in real time in the manner that had been expected all week.  We board our plane.  Burlacher finds our row; we’re assigned the aisle but hops across the person in the middle to the open window seat, stands on the seat and peers out the window.  Eventually a very large man (looks a lot like Brandon Marshall, but not a football fan) claims his window seat. Not phased, Burlacher says, “Oh hi…” now really looking at the man, “Oh my…  (turning on the charm) Are you related to Brandon?!”

The Man, “Who?”

Burlacher:  “Never mind but that was a compliment, anyway, do you care if I sit on your tray table and look out the window? It’s a long flight and I get a bit claustrophobic.” 

The man agrees and Burlacher proceeds to sit on his table for the 3 ½ hr flight recounting the entire weekend play by play…. Finally we land and Burlacher, now legs swinging over the edge – still staring directly at the man, sums it up with, “…But do you know my favorite part of the whole weekend was? (doesn’t stop for the man to answer, can’t lose his train of thought) … when those Packmen missed their field goal against the Colts and we’re still leading the NFC North!”

Me: (Overhearing this I whisper) “Burlacher, I think we’re actually still tied with the Vikings.”

Burlacher: (not breaking eye contact with the man) “Pay no attention to her; she likes to ruin my stories.”

BEARS WEEK 4

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Scene - Sports Bar

Slow first quarter… Burlacher makes the rounds taking pictures with Bears fans and finally sits down just before the second quarter. We’re approached by an AM Sports Radio Producer…

Producer:  (addresses our table) “We’re running contest during the game, before each quarter we’ll pick nine names and you get choose what you think the first offensive play of the quarter will be, ie: short pass to the left, long run up the middle, etc…. do you want to play?”

Burlacher: “Yes I do, what will I win?”

Producer: “A $25 Gift Card to the bar.”

Burlacher: “Yes. I’d like to focus on the game now but please enter me… its ‘Burr-lack-er’. No last name. Thank you.”

The producer clearly intrigued, refrains from asking questions, submits our entries in his box and everyone’s attention is back on the game... just in time for Tony Romo to throw the ball directly to…

Burlacher: “CHARLES!!!!!  Interception!!!  Touchdown!!!”

Burlacher shoots out of our booth on his victory lap, straight through the legs of our new producer friend but pays no attention… people are trying to high five him but now he’s sprinting, arms pumping, head down, focused only on completing his victory lap in time to watch the replay (it’s no secret cornerback Charles Tillman is his favorite).  Now back in the booth, peacefully opens the menu to contemplate dinner options (he can eat now that we’re winning) and the Producer approaches again…

Producer:  (to Burlacher) “With all the commotion you didn’t hear me announce your name… You’ve been drawn as one of the nine to guess the opening play of the second half.”

Burlacher – Hops out of the booth and struts to the board as if this was expected.  He chooses “long pass to the right” and returns to his seat as we watch the teams line up to start the second half.

(Second Half Begins)

Bears start on offense, Cutler takes the snap, pulls back, throws…. Long pass to the right! Completion to Alshon Jeffery . Seconds later from the loud speaker….

Producer: “And the Winner is BURLACHER!!!” (we don’t hear it) “Again, BURLACHER… no last name!!!” (This time we do)

Burlacher:  Now visibly shocked and excited like a 6yr old that just won the Cake Walk at their elementary school carnival… “I WON!  I REALLY WON!!” Fumbles to get out of the booth and scampers to claim his prize… but slows, now very cool and with a bit of swagger he works his congratulatory rope line that formed on his path…. Claiming his prize takes long enough for Cutler to throw another completion to Alshon Jeffery, then another to Brandon Marshall, and then to Devin Hester for the TOUCHDOWN!!! 

Burlacher hears the cheering behind him and knows exactly what that means; he grabs his prize (no time for a ‘thank you’, he owes no one) and runs back to the booth screaming:   “YAYAYA!!  TD #2 in Cowboy’s stadium AND I won the contest! It’s a miracle!!  Lovie is even clapping!! What’s going on!?! Is the world coming to an end!?!  My heart can’t take this much excitement. I’m feeling weak.”

Me: “Burlacher!  Are you okay?” (grab him, hoist him back up into the booth)

Burlacher: “I’m fine. I was kidding. I just didn’t want to jump that high.”

Burlacher settles back in, sips his Stella grinning with pride just in time to spit his beer across the table in shock as Timmy Jennings tips Romo’s pass intended for Ogletree to Major Right for the interception.

Burlacher: (looking at everyone at the table) “Did you see how Timmy broke that up!?! He is the MAN!”

Our tablemates obviously missed it as they were dodging Burlacher spitting beer at them but knowing better than to cause an issue, they agreed and moved on. Soon after we regain possession in this dramatic fashion, we lose it to a fumble and Dallas returns to offense.  What they forgot was Lance Briggs is also a receiver… he picks it off like the Cowboys route was made for him and heads for the end zone.  Now Burlacher, who dislikes baseball immensely, got a bit confused….

Burlacher: “Good Job Lance B! GO BIG GUY!  HURRY BUDDY!!  Okay, that’s enough from him, send in our pinch runner.  Lovie! Get Matthew in there!  Oh dear… there’s no time, is he gonna make it?! They’re closing on him… oh no… TOUCHDOWN!!!  Oh Thank God.” (Burlacher collapses to the booth. exhausted. was touch and go)

As the game comes to an end… Burlacher explains to our tablemates:  “I think the camera guys are Cowboys fans…”

Tablemates: “Why do you say that?”

Burlacher: “Because when their team starts to suck, they resort to the QB we traded years ago and all their fans leave the stadium… they create a diversion for the viewers by turning the cameras straight to those fancy cheerleaders….”

*Note – Burlacher has no comment on the replacement refs*

BEARS -- WEEK 3 

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

We always convince ourselves we don’t need Direct TV until that random Sunday comes that the cable and NFL networks don’t play the Bears game.  Even though you mentally prepare all week long that the bar is your only Sunday option, one can never, never prepare for getting wee Burlacher up and moving after a Saturday night that he went a bit too hard. 

I timidly enter his room and gently shake him, “Burlacher, our ride will be here in 5min, you have to get up.”

Burlacher not moving, grumbles “Coffee.”

Me: “No…. you have to get up now, we can’t miss kickoff”

Burlacher: “Who are you and why are you still talking…” (not really a question)

Me: “Fine, I’m leaving. Sorry you’ll miss the game.” (this always works)

Burlacher shoots out of bed (already dressed in his uniform – sleeps in it the night before when he knows he has to be up early), “Oh no!  Its bar Sunday!  (as if he is informing me) We have to leave now!” (runs to the door)

We arrive at the bar; Burlacher immediately spots the tv that shows the Bears game lining up for kickoff. He races past the host and jumps in a table with a perfect view but is already occupied. 

Me: “I’m so sorry (to the patrons at the table) he’s still very sleepy… (I grab Burlacher) Burlacher! There are seats at the bar, this is not our table.”

Burlacher: (eyes locked on the game) “No, these are my friends, we’re fine here.”

Though I don’t like to, sometimes I have to be forceful and this was one of those times… kicking and screaming we made our way to the bar.

Bulacher: (Finally settled, flags down the bartender) “Mimosa please.”

I cut the bartender off at the pass (he clearly knew Burlacher was under age) and whispered, “Just keep giving him orange juice, he won’t know the difference and for everyone’s safety, please make sure his glass is always full.”

Just then Robbie Gould kicks our first field goal from midfield – Burlacher throws his hands up in celebration of our 3pnt lead, high fiving our neighbors (they weren’t Bears fans but they kindly played along).  

As expected, our defense forces the punt on the Rams kickoff drive and special teams one man show Devin Hester does his job, followed by three consecutive first downs by our boy Michael Bush and then… UH OH we can’t blame J’Marcus Webb for this one… Cutler throws an interception (was only a matter of time).  Thank god for the one (or 3) QB sacks by Israle Idonije forcing yard lossage (spell check says that’s not a word, I’m going with it anyway) and the defense kicking ass because Michael Bush is set up just before half to run it in for a TOUCHDOWN!!! 

Now, I admit, I was celebrating myself and lost focus for a second (any parent knows this feeling)… I turn around and Burlacher is victory lapping on the bar!  High fiving everyone on his path as I’m screaming for him to get back in his seat…. He ignores me as he rounds the corner seeing a couple Bears jerseys he missed on his first lap and then, as if the Rams fan doesn’t feel bad enough, Burlacher nonchalantly kicks over his beer (like it was a reflex and he had no choice) and keeps running.  I was immediately thrust into damage control mode but the bar is cheering him on (last thing I needed).

Finally, he jumps on the napkin container and does his celebratory end of victory lap shimmy, and then he returns to his seat to spew forth his profound next statement, “So what do you think Lovie’s halftime speech will be…  (now doing his Lovie voice) ‘I’d like to see Israle Idonije (messes this one up horribly) and (recovers strong with) Michael Bush in my office to discuss them playing all positions, the rest of you can leave for the day’.”

Me: “No no.. a few others have done well today…”

Burlacher: “Fine, Robbie, Timmy (Tim Jennings) and Mr. Hester should play too, I should tell Lovie that’s how I feel before he does something drastic.”

And thank god we kept Timmy as he proved his worth in the second half by tipping Bradford’s pass which set up the INT for Major Wright that ended in a 45yrd run TD(!!!) and then proceeded to pick off one more with seconds left to seal our Bears Week 3 Victory at home. 

As we’re walking out….

Burlacher: “Oh, sorry for knocking over that Rams fan’s beer…. I don’t hold myself responsible though; I was clearly over served today."

BEARS -- WEEK 2

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene: Burlacher’s condo – Wednesday night before game day, 8PM (past his bedtime)

Me: “Burlacher, what are you doing up so late?”

Burlacher: (Glances up at me annoyingly and immediately back down scowling) “Pacing. Clearly.”

Me: “Why? You should be in bed”

Burlacher: (Looks back up in disgust) “How exactly do you expect me to sleep when Charles is injured?  I’ve been reviewing our defensive line, we need him against these Packmen.”

Me: “You mean Packers.”

Burlacher: “Whatever. What is a Packer anyway? At least we have a real mascot… I’ve never seen a Bear in person but I hear they’re intimidating and sometimes scary… that’s a good mascot I’d say.” 

Me: “Burlacher, you are Bear”

Burlacher: (rolls eyes like I’m crazy) “This is no time for jokes… my point is, Charles rounds out our defense and we just played on Sunday so we’re tired.”

Me: (letting the Bear issue slide, its best when he’s like this…) “The Packers also played on Sunday.”

Burlacher: “What? Why are you taking their side? ”

Me: “I’m not, just stating the facts.”

Burlacher: “Nobody cares about the facts, we need to win. (storms off as usual…) Done with you.”

This is fairly typical of Burlacher so I try not to take it personally… he cannot be faulted for his passion.

The Scene: GAME DAY - Burlacher’s Condo…. 45 minutes before kickoff…

Burlacher: Racing into the living room panicked, “Do we get the Network?!!”

Me: “Yes Burlacher, we’re watching the game here, pregame is on. And we have company coming over.”

Burlacher:  Jumping into is seat in front of the TV, “Thank god. Are they bringing food?  Have we heard of Charles is playing?”

(Doorbell – our guests arrive with a bang… decked out in Bears gear from head to toe. Burlacher, entranced in pregame commentary, greets no one.)

Burlacher: “SSSSHHhhhhhh!!  Listen friends of Cupcake, I appreciate the food, but my house, my rules. No side conversations, it’s almost kickoff.”

Guests:  Intimidated that someone so wee (small) could be so intense simply say, “We understand Burlacher.”

Burlacher:  Refocused, throws his hands in the air as our defense takes the field… “CHARLES!!!! Charles is playing. We are saved!”

Having seen all of pregame, I already knew that but obviously acted shocked and excited since he hadn’t let me answer his question moments earlier. Unfortunately, that was the end of the excitement for awhile but we were shocked again almost immediately when the Bears were called for having too many players on the field…

Burlacher: (Screaming at the Refs) “IT WAS ONE FOOT!  But seriously! We didn’t even have an entire player on the field… these Packmen are cheaters!  (grumbles) Exactly what I expected in Lambeau…this is gonna be a long night.”

It got worse from there… 2 minutes before half the Packers fake a field goal and run it in for touchdown.

Though depressed, Burlacher agrees he should partake in feeding time during the half to keep up his strength.   To his credit, he tried to be civil by asking our guests simple questions about their lives… and even though he never waited for their answers and would immediately cut them off with his rants about what should be said during the halftime locker room pep talk as if he were Lovie, it was the thought that counted….

Coming out of half, our offense (Matt Forte) gives us hope, inching down the field and then Cutler throws long…

Burlacher: “Brandon! He’s in the end zone! He’s got it….. NOOOOOOO! Brandon, for the love of god we pay you catch those.”

Me:  Not able to let that slide…. “Technically Burlacher, you don’t pay him, you are a fan.”

Burlacher:  Never breaking eye contact with the TV, “Please, Cupcake, nothing further from you.”

(Recognizing my obvious timing error, I return to silence, as did our guests, still scared to blink really)

Tragically, the wind nearly left our sails completely when our Running Back/Receiver/Really also needs to play Center since we can’t seem to communicate with our Quarter Back - Matt Forte, goes out for the game…. BUT then a huge pass too…

Burlacher:  “EARL B! (Burlacher likes names with two syllables so occasionally he improvises)… COME BACK EARL!... What in the H (doesn’t like to cuss) is he doing?!  Unreal… (shaking his head and now sarcasm takes over...)  Good job Earl… He’s such a gentleman, oh you want this ball? No problem… here ya go… (now angry) Well, this is not a date Earl!  This is football. If they’re gonna make an interception at least make them work for it…”

Oh dear I thought, Burlacher was in a bad place, we desperately needed something good to happen and thank god, with 7 minutes left…Cutler to Kellen Davis…. TOUCHDOWN!!

As if bipolar, Burlacher jumps from his chair and screams with delight… dashes off on his victory lap as if not to run down the clock… high fiving our guests along the way and then stops for his end zone dance…. he typically just shimmies a bit but this time he added a shuffle (I think he was showing off for our company but I would never say that)

Unfortunately, those “Packmen” did end up running down the clock and we were losers tonight.

Burlacher’s final words for the evening: “Whoever said - ‘it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose’ was just wrong.  Where’s the whiskey?”

Burlacher grades Bears' Week 1 performance; concludes Alshon Jeffrey is a keeper

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

For a bit of background, Burlacher and I are a team.  Burlacher is a bear (but don’t tell him that) with strong opinions.  He chose his own name (idealizes Brian Urlacher), wears his Bears warm up suit in the offseason and changes to his uniform from preseason through playoffs and/or Super Bowl (depending on our record and his mood).  Burlacher and I often agree when it comes to plays, strategy and changes that need to be made but when we disagree its contentious and fairly awkward for those around us.  For instance, last season, during our first hope of decent offense in years, Burlacher believed he was Jay Cutler.  When Jay went down with a broken thumb, Burlacher claimed he also had a broken thumb.  I had to explain to him that, that was impossible because he doesn’t have thumbs  (which is also why I type this blog for us) but his loyalty and competitive spirit are so endearing, often times its better just to let him believe.

Now, typically Burlacher and I will watch game film and discuss the strategy we feel should be used against our upcoming opponent but today’s season opener was tough – the Colts are new. New coach, new QB, new plays, new expectations.  We’re not in Peyton’s house anymore, in fact, we’re at home and expected to win easily. 

This is why our start today was so devastating for us.  Jay, finally back from injury, fails miserably on our first offensive series landing us a few yards from our own end zone.  Burlacher, a Cutler loyalist, immediately jumps from his seat screaming, “did we trade our offensive line in the off season?!! (Shaking his head in disgust… )This is embarrassing.”   I agreed but kept my mouth shut, trying not to add fuel to the fire, praying for no safety and hoping for the best in “Bears Offense Take 2”.  Alas, dreams were stifled as Culter threw an interception that lead to (what could be) the worst team in the NFL going ahead of us by 6, soon to be 7.  


Ironically, this tragic intercepted pass that was intended for our star running back, Matt Forte, begs the question – when we’re backed up into our own end zone, why would we not run (don’t mind the pun) a play that involved  keeping possession at all cost and RUN THE (f’ing) BALL?  Nope.  Immediately, Burlacher and I somberly commiserated as we flashed back to our lack of offense at the beginning of last season, oh and the season before that, oh and the season before that, oh and… you get it, we’ll stop the bleeding.

Step two, a miracle happens and Matt Forte, formerly a volunteer on the Bears offense, now  gets paid to make 30 yard game changing runs that lead to Touchdowns.  Burlacher screams, “Thadda boy Matthew!!!” (he calls everyone by their full name).  Michael Bush was set up for an easy first touchdown of the season; wasting no time, Burlacher and I set out on our (already mapped out) victory lap, high fiving everyone on our route. 

 

Moments Later… Dear Andrew Luck, welcome to the NFL, we’d like you to meet Henry Melton.  He likes to sack people.   Then, after a little help from Mr. Peppers the Bears return to offense.  At which time we let Devin Hester loose, Forte makes a diving one handed catch made possible only due to his off season training with our United States Olympic Gold Medal Volleyball team, and Brandon Marshall brings it home - sending Burlacher and I on our second victory lap.

That friends, was the beginning of the end of the Chicago Bears winning our  Season Opener at Solider Field… nearly all our key players got a piece of the action today, and the depth of our team was proven.  On that note Burlacher sat back, calm, cool and collected sipping his baileys and coffee and said, “I don’t know that Alshon Jeffery, but he can stay."