POLITICS

THE CAMPAIGN COMBINE
(by Burke)

There are a lot of things to pay attention to during the fall months. Football, the World Series (Editor’s Note for Cubs fans: The World Series is where the two best teams in baseball play to determine the champion) a movie about Scientology, there’s a lot going on. Let me lighten your load and tell you one thing you don’t have to pay attention to, the Presidential campaign. Barack Obama has this campaign sewn up for the same reason Ronald Reagan had the 1984 election sewn up sometime in 1983.

Politics is like sports. Some politicians are great political athletes. Other politicians are journeymen political athletes. Since television became the medium through which the country decided political elections in 1960 the better political athlete has won every Presidential election.

Imagine that every day from May till November Tiger Woods played 18 holes of golf against the 30^th best player in the world, Jason Day. Are there going to be a few days where Day beats Tiger? Sure. But at the end of those six months Tiger is going to have won a lot more because he is the better golfer. A Presidential campaign is a six month, daily competition between two political athletes.

Tiger Woods                Jason Day

Politicians have their strategists -- think of them as swing coaches. The media tries to keep things interesting for as long as possible -- think of them as the announcers you’ve heard trying to instill drama in a game you know is long over. If you want to know who is going to win, block out that noise and size up the two men running. Which one is the better politician?

Mitt Romney was a hugely successful private equity guy. He gives a ton of money to charity. There are plenty of stories of his personal acts of kindness. He is a guy who has succeeded at everything he’s ever done. At some point he decided that he wanted to become President. So he has spent the last 20 years turning himself into something he isn’t:  a politician. Doggedness and money could win him some elections. But defeating Shannon O’Brien in the race for Massachusetts Governor is like the 30^th best golfer in the world beating the 300^th best golfer in the world. And beating Herman Cain and Michelle Bachman for the Republican nomination is like the 30^th best golfer defeating….well, it’s like defeating a bunch of drunks who wander onto the golf course with hockey sticks.

But in this race, just like against Ted Kennedy in 1994 and John McCain in 2008, Romney is running against an opponent who is a much better political athlete. That doesn’t make Romney a bad guy. But it will make him the loser come November 6^th.

MITT ROMNEY TRIES TO PICK UP GIRL IN BAR WITH "HAPPINESS" PITCH; FAILS

(by Burke)

I noticed that Mitt Romney was on Meet the Press Sunday. Obviously I didn’t notice until Monday because Sundays are for football, not politics. Well, football and drinking but definitely not politics. Come to think of it Sundays are also for breakfast sandwiches. Let’s just agree that Sundays are amazing and move on.

Anyway, Romney wants to both cut taxes and reduce the deficit. He says he can achieve this by closing tax loopholes. The problem is that he won’t say which loopholes he will close. That’s because tax loopholes, like the home mortgage interest deduction, are hugely popular. On Sunday when asked to name just one specific loophole he would close Romney gave this answer:

“Well, the-- the specifics are these which is those principles I described are the heart of my policy.” – Mitt Romney

First of all, great stuff Mitt. That you’ve been running for President for five straight years really shines through. Second, imagine Mitt Romney in a bar hitting on a girl using the same strategy he’s employing in his campaign. That conversation would go something like this:

(Mitt approaches a despondent looking girl)

Mitt: Hi, I’m Mitt. How’s your night going?

Girl: Hi, it’s going OK. It could be better. I’m kind of over my boyfriend.

Mitt: Yes! It could be better. You should just leave with me and your night will get better.

Girl: Oh, really?

Mitt: Yeah, definitely. You’ll be much happier if you come with me. 

Girl: So where would we go?

Mitt: A better place…where you will be happier. A place of happiness where I do things that will increase your happiness.

Girl: Soooo, are we getting a drink or having dinner… what’s your plan?

Mitt: The specific things we will do are based upon those principles I have that you will be happier if you leave with me.

Girl: What the hell does that mean? You’re kind of weird.

Mitt: Maybe you should just leave with me and then I can implement the happiness plans that will make you happier. 

Girl: You’re creeping me out.

Mitt: But, you’re unhappy. And I have as my goal that you should be happier. If you just leave with me I think this will make itself quite clear.

Girl: Security!!!!

Looking at the latest poll numbers I think the American Voter just yelled for security.