THE CRAZIES SOLVE OUR COUNTRY'S PROBLEMS (and revolutionize Reality TV too)

(by Burke)

Who knew things were this dire? I sure didn’t. I woke up today thinking life was pretty good. It was a sunny, 80-degree Saturday morning in Los Angeles. Our economy was finally turning around. It was that rare morning where I had coffee, cream and sugar all on hand at the same time. Plus, I had another 3 or 4 days’ worth of Marco Rubio jokes to make. Things were looking up.

Wayne LaPierre - NRA CEO/psycho

But that was before I stumbled upon this op-ed from the head of the NRA: 

http://dailycaller.com/2013/02/13/stand-and-fight/

I had no idea of the dangers lurking just outside my door: rampaging gangs, crazed and blood thirsty looters, the collapse of the US economy, my Government turning on its own people…the return of Godzilla. By the time I finished reading I had ordered a bomb shelter, survival seeds, 2 million rounds of ammunition and a Blu-ray copy of I Am Legend.

Sure, I’ve made fun of the people on Doomsday Preppers. I doubted that stashing beef jerky around the forest was a rational way of interacting with the world around me. But I now see I was wrong. We shouldn’t be making fun of these people. We should be emulating them. Thanks to the NRA I’ve realized that taking cues from the craziest 1% of our population is the best way to make public policy. Luckily it’s never been easier to find the most unstable among us. Our weird fascination with reality television is about to pay off in a big way. Now that we’ve allowed the Doomsday Preppers to clear up our gun argument, why not allow reality TV to solve a few more of our vexing societal problems? 

Let’s do this ...

Walking - harder than you think

Border Security: So you’re telling me our problem is having too many people walking freely from one place (Mexico) to another place (America)? I mean have you seen Wipeout? The whole point of that show is to make sure people can’t walk from one place to another. All we have to do is construct an intricate 2,000 mile obstacle course along our southern border. Then cover it in foam. Problem solved.

Education: Do you know how well I could have done in school if it was based on answering trivia questions? (Editor’s Note: Or based on not studying) I’ve literally read multiple Wikipedia pages about European Rivers solely to improve my Jeopardy game. If I had started playing Jeopardy when I was 3 years old who knows how smart I could have become?

Racially offensive "North Korea"

Foreign Policy: We need to figure out with whom we should have close relations with and with whom we shouldn’t. Luckily, The Bachelor has been showing America how to do this for years. (Editor's Note: And you can’t argue with the success of the Bachelor in forming successful, long lasting relationships.) Instead of roses we hand out free trade agreements.  All we have to do is stick all the world’s nations in a mansion with a well-stocked bar. North Korea is the girl with the crazy eyes that everyone is leery of and Russia would be the girl who drinks way too much and gives us a drug resistant form of chlamydia in the hot tub. Obviously Australia would be the super-hot chick who somehow doesn’t win but comes back as The Bachelorette.

"Russia"

So stock up on assault weapons, canned foods and underground tunnels. As soon as we fight off our Government’s imminent attack on us we can start solving all these problems. (Editor's Note: Yes, because that stash of assault weapons should do the trick against a government that has, you know, Hellfire missiles.) The only real question is, why did it take over 200 years before we started making policy decisions based on the craziest 1% of us?