BEARS WEEK 14 -- BURLACHER VISITS SANTA; IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE RESULTS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene:  Burlacher’s condo – Evening – Thursday December 6.  Burlacher is watching Sportscenter from his favorite chair.  Burlacher has just learned the news that Uncle Brian will be out for Sunday’s game against the Vikings – he jumps from his chair and races to the coat closet, pulls out his Christmas hat and scarf, appears to be preparing to leave…

Me: “Burlacher, where are you going?”

Burlacher: (focused on tying is scarf) “I’m leaving – I must speak with Santa right away.”

Me: “Why? How is Santa going to help you?”

Burlacher: “Listen Cupcake, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks… we won on Thanksgiving but I got in trouble trying to steal the honey before dinner.  Then, I was so confident going into overtime against the Seahawks, I even challenged our neighbor bear, Skittles, to a stare off and that win was taken right out from under me. I need help this time. I need a comeback win against the Vikings but I can’t tell you what I’m going to ask Santa for or it won’t come true.”

Me: “Burlacher, this is not a birthday wish. You can tell me.”

The Stare Off

Burlacher: (standing  in the doorway, still fussing with his scarf) “Fine, I want him to make sure Uncle Brian and Timmy Jennings play and I want him to make sure we win. (now starring up at me) And I want one more thing if he has time but those are the most important. We need to go now, I hate lines.”

The Scene:  Burlacher in line to see Santa – talks a big game but is very nervous, watching closely to those going before him to devise a strategy. Burlacher’s turn… walks confidently to Santa, stops in front of him and looks up…

Burlacher: (all business) “Santa, we need to talk.”

Santa: (picks him up and sets him on his knee) “Oh really!? What can I get for you this year little man?”

Waiting nervously for Santa

Burlacher: (looking Santa directly in the eyes) “Well, my name is Burlacher and I want my Christmas present early. I am worried about my Uncle Brian, he’s injured and we have big game this weekend - major division rivalry against the Vikings - and we need to win. I need you to make sure my Uncle plays; and if you can, Timmy Jennings too please.”

Santa:  “I will certainly do what I can, is that all you want for Christmas?”

Burlacher: “There is one more thing, but I need you to focus on the game, so I will only tell you if you feel you will have time for everything…

Santa: “Lets hear it…?”

Burlacher: “Well, (looking down at his feet) I really need cleats. I think some of my friends don’t take me seriously because I don’t have footware. But that’s only if you have time, but I would appreciate it. And that’s for Christmas Day, not now; now I need Uncle Brian to play and for us to beat the Vikings.”

Santa: “I will work on both of those… but make sure you put those cleats on your list so I don’t forget…”

Burlacher: “Will do Santa. Oh, and don’t take it personally if I eat all your cookies, I know I did that last year and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I hope you don’t hold that against me cuz I really need the things I asked for this year.”

The Scene: Bulacher’s Codo – morning – Bears v. Vikings Game Day.  Burlacher, zoned in on pregame - changes from his hat to his helmet.

Burlacher: (in his chair, talking to himself while laying out the starting line up on mini white board) “Santa let me down, Uncle Brian and Timmy are not playing, I have little hope for our defense; but he gave us Alshon back, which I didn’t ask for, but is critical because Earl is concussed, so maybe with Hester, Brandon and Alshon we have a shot of our offense scoring.”

Game Begin - Adrian Peterson scores on the Vikings first run. No reaction from Burlacher, this was expected. Viking score again almost immediately. Not going well.

Burlacher: (fuming) “Santa is a liar.”

Me: “Don’t be so harsh… you asked for others things too, maybe he’s focused on those…”

Burlacher: (very irritated) “I asked for one other thing, only one, and I made it clear that came second to Uncle Brian playing and Bears win.  Santa doesn’t care about me.”

Just then Cutler throws to Alshon in the end zone… Touchdown!!  Burlacher, caught off guard, so busy complaining he almost missed it… Jumps to his feet in his chair and starts to shimmy, no time for a full victory lap before Robbie has kicked our extra point.  Trailing 17-7 at half…. Burlacher turns his attention to the Christmas tree as a distraction and continues the decorating he started the evening before. 

The second half starts and Burlacher is back in his seat at attention. 3rd quarter reveals little action until Cutler’s pass intended for Marshall is intercepted and the Vikings run it in for at touchdown. Back and forth drives continue for both teams throughout the 4th quarter but the game remains 21-7. With 5 minutes left Cutler is taken out with a mild neck injury, replaced by back up QB Jason Campbell.  Immediately, as if it were a reflex, and with no expression - Burlacher slides out of his chair, walks to the Christmas tree, changes from his helmet to his hat, climbs back on his step stool (regulation size Bears helmet) and begins decorating.

Me: “What are you doing? There is plenty of time left?”

Burlacher: “Cutler is out Cupcake. I should not need to say more but I realize you’re not as knowledgeable as me so I will tell you, this means we have conceded the loss and our focus is on the Packers next week; I just can’t watch anymore.”

Me: “Okay but Campbell just threw a touchdown pass to Marshall.”

Burlacher: (not watching, his back to the tv) “I don’t want to address this again, I don’t have my helmet on which means, as you know, I’m no longer watching and I don’t care. There is not enough time for us to come back with the lineup we have in the game, both teams know that and they’re barely defending us now, so for my own sanity I have transitioned and I suggest you do the same.”

Me: “But what if we win the onside kick and we tie it up and we go into overtime…”

Burlacher: (rolling his eyes) “And it ends the same way the Seahawks game did? Let it go Cupcake…” (now examining the tree) I really need to focus on this tree…. There are so many bare spots on the side you worked on its embarrassing for you, I will fix it but please don’t touch anything when I’m done...”