BEARS WEEK 11 -- UNBEARABLE, BUT BURLACHER DISCOVERS THERE REALLY ARE TWO "O's" IN GOOSE, BOYS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Scene:  Entering HALF MOON SPORTS BAR – Typical MNF hangout.  Headed to our usual seats.

Burlacher: (Passes the host - bounding down the stairs to the bar, announces his drink while still walking to his seat) “Blue Moon please.”

Server looks down over the bar expecting it to be Burlacher but just making sure… “Yes, sir… it will be at your seat. Is that all for now?”

Burlacher: (hoisting himself to his spot on the bar, doesn’t look at the menu, has it memorized) “And some cheese sticks please; I’m a vegetarian, you understand.”

Server: (confused, pretty sure he got Chicken Tenders last week, looks at the computer and enters the order) “Obviously.”

Burlacher: (turns to the person sitting next to us) “Scuz me, I can’t tell by the boring green shirt you’re wearing, are you a 49ers fan?”

Fan: (obviously taken aback that a little guy could be so argumentative) “Uh, yeah.”

Burlacher: “Thought so, the game just started and this is the Bears side of the bar and I’d like you to leave but before you go, what do you think of this Campbell v. Capricorn battle of the backups?”

Fan: “Well, first of all its Kaeprinick and…”

Bulacher: (cuts him off, speaking very loudly now to defend himself) “FIRST of all YOU (now pointing) don’t correct me and now please leave, please leave right now and don’t act like we’re friends cuz we’re not. I know your type, you’re always skeptical at first because I’m small and I’m a better fan than you because I wear a helmet and you wear a green shirt and then you want pictures and I won’t do it.”

Me: (scolding) “Burlacher, be nice…”

Burlacher:  “I was. I asked him a simple question and he tried to put me down. He started it.”

Me: (speaking quickly, nervous but needed to say this) “I think you actually started it by asking him to leave, before you asked him the question, and then you messed up the name of his quarterback.”

Burlacher: (Looking directly at the tv, takes a sip of his Blue Moon) “I don’t remember it that way.”

After successfully ignoring the 10-0 beating we took in the first quarter Burlacher finishes his cheese sticks, gets another beer and is ready to focus for Q2 when out of the gates the 49ers score another touchdown. Burlacher turns away from the tv, upset,  trying not to watch the extra point when he notices a few girls with a camera walking his way….Burlacher quickly sits down, grabs a menu and appears completely enthralled…

Me: “Burlacher, what are you doing, you’ve already eaten and regardless, you know the entire menu…”

Burlacher: (girls rapidly approaching) “I’m not in the mood for pictures, tell them I’m reading.”

Girls: (looking at me) “Hi, do you think we could get a….”

Me: “I’m so sorry, he’s sleeping.” (girls walk away very dejected…)

Burlacher:  (angrily looks over the menu at me) “SLEEPING?! I’m not sleeping! I’m in a bar, that wasn’t believable at all.”

Me: “Well you had your eyes closed.”

Burlacher: “Because I didn’t want to make eye contact!”

Me: “Well how could you be reading with your eyes closed?!”

Burlacher: “NOOOO!”

Me: “What!?”

Burlacher: (Points at the tv with one hand and covers his eyes with the other - the 49ers just kicked a field goal making the lead 20-0) “I can’t take this! Please, no more.”

Me: “Its halftime so luckily there is no more for a few minutes…”

Burlacher:  (as if I said nothing, turns to a nearby pole buries his head in a dramatic fashion as if he’s given up and speaks in a weakened voice)… “One more 49ers touchdown and I must leave.”

He remains this way for halftime, speaking to no one. The second half starts and Burlacher is now watching timidly, peeking his head around the pole every few seconds, taking his play-by-play cues from the reaction of his friend in the green shirt.  And then it happens. The 49ers score again and its now 27-0. 

All of the Bears fans take a moment to grieve independently then look up to comfort each other, and then I notice Burlacher is nowhere to be found.  Three of us remain calm for a few seconds searching the near vicinity but nothing…

Panic starts taking over as we check the bathrooms, ask the patrons, now yelling loudly for him and still nothing. Two friends in our group continue the searching inside and I race outside… frantically looking under cars and in the busy streets and then… I spot him, sitting peacefully by a rock facing the building.

Me: (sprinting and yelling) “BURlacher!!!!! What are you doing?! Are you okay?! (now out of breath) You scared us to death.”

Burlacher: (still staring at the wall, unphased) “I’m fine Cupcake. I needed some peace to clear my mind.”

Me: “If it makes you feel better, we were on a drive and I think we may have scored a touchdown by now.”

Burlacher: “It’s too late, the damage is done. Take me home or lose me forever.”

Me: “Oooohhhh I get it, this is why you’re being so dramatic, you were watching Top Gun again weren’t you…”

Burlacher: (still refusing to move) “Well, now that Culter is concussed, Goose is my new hero.”

BEARS WEEK 9 -- RnR SPORTS BAR HOSTS A BEARS BLOWOUT

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

RnR Sports Bar

Scene:  10 minutes before game time, arriving at local sports bar - RnR - for Burlacher's favorite brunch with wedding party from previous evening.  Note – Burlacher is aware of his celebrity status and though he did attend the aforementioned wedding held on the eve of the Bears/Titans game, he specifically requested no photos be taken of him as not to take away from the Bride and Groom’s special day. 

Also to note – Burlacher takes pride in his independence.  Often times he insists on being carried up stairs given the size of his wee legs in relation to the steps, but will make excuses as not to admit his lack of independence. 

Burlacher: (stops at the bottom of staircase, pulls on my pant leg and looks up) “My quads are just killing me from all that dancing last night so I would like to be carried today please.”

Me: (rolling my eyes, knowing the truth) “Of course.”

Burlacher:  (arriving on the patio, immediately spots the ladies he was dancing with the night before sitting at a table near a tv – pointing) “Take me to them quickly Cupcake.  Bypass the crowd.  I don’t want to be social; I haven’t had my coffee.” (Buries his head in my shoulder, dodging high fives as we pass through the masses)

The Ladies: “Burlacher!!  We saved a spot for you! The game just started…”

Burlacher: “Sssshhhhh!  I don’t want to be noticed (too late)…. Do we have a server? I need coffee.”

The ladies grab the server….

Server: “What can I get for you?”

Burlacher:  (focus torn between the game and the menu) “Coffee and cinnamon roll please.”

Server: “Sir, I’m sorry if I’m out of line but our cinnamon rolls are quite large and I just think it may be a bit much for you.”

I thought about stepping in, was not the time to have his size questioned coming off the stairs incident but the damage was done and the response was imminent….

Burlacher: (shoots him a look) “You are out of line. I will have a cinnamon roll and I will finish it and in the future I would not like your advice.”

Thankfully for our server, just then the Bears block the Titans punt and Corey Wooten runs it in for a touchdown!! The insult was immediately forgotten as Burlacher jumps to his feet with no help from his arms as if he was in Army drill and takes off high fiving the table.

He returns to his seat as his cinnamon roll arrives. He greets it with a poker face but is clearly scared he may have lied about being able to finish it… outwardly he remains calm, turns on the charm and starts offering bites to the ladies claiming he doesn’t want to eat in front of them.  We all know the truth but didn’t have time to discuss as we notice Matt Forte headed for the end zone… TOUCHDOWN!! and Burlacher is off…. This time he’s jumping from table to table fist pounding the men, high fiving the ladies and stopping to shimmy when appropriate.  The group was large and there were a lot of tables so this lap took longer than most, he rounded the corner, now eyes on the tv for his home stretch….

Burlacher: (eyes huge, now screaming) “UNCLE BRIAN!!!  Interception!!! He’s running, he’s got it…. TOUCHDOWN!!! UNCLE BRIAN IS A HERO!!”

I race to Burlacher, nervous about what he is capable of when he gets this excited but he’s already jumped in the arms of a girl in wearing a Bears shirt and is dancing the tango…. He demands to be dipped but turns into dead weight as he is stunned when he notices a man passing by…. He rises cautiously…

Burlacher: (to the man) “Uncle Brian!?? Is that You? How can this be you? You just scored a touchdown on the television?”

The Man: (laughing) “No no…. I’m just wearing his jersey and I know I kinda look like him, I get that a lot.”

Burlacher: (justifying and acting cool….) “Well, you do look just like him so I bet you do get that a lot… anyway, Uncle Brian requests I send him a picture of my game day celebrations for his mantel, I would like a photo with you please.”

The Man: (zero hesitation) “Sure! I’d be honored.”

Burlacher checks the score:  28-2 at the end of the first quarter.  The route is on ….

Burlacher: (walking away, talking to himself and whoever may be in earshot.. sighs..) “Aaawwww, what a day…. We’ve got this one in the bag, I’m gonna go DJ….” 

 http://rnrscottsdale.com/home.html

ELECTION DAY SPECIAL -- VOTEPOCALPYSE; THE DRINKING GAME

(by Burke)

Votepocalypse (for your liver)

Most people don’t like politics. I get it. It’s tough to enjoy something that prominently features Wolf Blitzer. Because you don’t love politics surviving election night will require copious amounts of one of the two things that make everything better: sex or alcohol. Since watching tons of politics dooms one to a life of near celibacy (Editor’s Note: Or so we hear) let’s turn our lonely eyes to alcohol.

What should I drink?

If you voted for the President you should be drinking scotch. Why? Because that’s what Toby Ziegler would drink. If you don’t know who Tobias Ziegler is please lie and say you do if we ever meet. Otherwise I’ll go on a twenty minute rant that will feel endless. Let’s just move on.

If you sided with Governor Romney I assume you’ll spend the night drinking the blood of infants. (Editor’s Note: I thought we were trying to be bi-partisan?) Or hemlock, you should also feel free to drink hemlock. (Editor’s Note: Hemlock kills people!) Fine, if you voted for Romney take your private elevator down to your expansive wine cellar and grab a few bottles of that Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru, Cote de Nuits you’ve been collecting. (Editor’s Note: Did you seriously just Google world’s most expensive wines?)

If you didn’t vote, drink Jaegermeister. You deserve the hangover. Seriously, how hard is it to vote for a President every four years?

OK, I have my drink in hand. But when should I drink?

I’d suggest early and often. (Editor’s Note: You may have a problem)  But let’s not miss these additional drinking opportunities.

1)    Anytime CNN uses their holograph technology, take a drink. It’s like watching TV from the future.

2)    Take a drink anytime Wolf Blitzer makes an awkward joke which bombs. As an aside, I would watch every episode of an Odd Couple remake starring Wolf Blitzer and Chris Christie.

3)    Anytime someone says the words “toss-up”, “mandate” or “independents” take a drink. (Editor’s Note: Jesus, what’s the mortality rate of this game?)

4)    If they call Ohio for Romney and you voted for Romney, take a drink. Then take a look at all of your crestfallen liberal friends and think of something really pompous to say.

5)    If they call Ohio for Obama take a drink. Then celebrate the fact that we won’t have another teetotaler Republican President in the White House. (Editor’s Note: Are we sure President Bush wasn’t drinking? Alcohol would explain a lot.)

6)    Anytime someone on Fox blames an Obama victory on Hurricane Sandy or voter fraud, take a drink. (Editor’s Note: Unless your health insurance covers a stint in rehab you may want to just choose another network.)

7)    If anyone references Florida’s 2000 recount, turn the channel to a Family Guy rerun for ten minutes…then take a drink. Think of Stewie as your political palate cleanser.

8)    Anytime you’re caught listening to Ed Shultz, Newt Gingrich, Al Sharpton, Sarah Palin, Michael Moore, David Gergen or Sean Hannity…take a shot.  A drink will likely not be enough.

9)    If Barack Obama concedes the election to Mitt Romney, and you voted for Mitt Romney, open a bottle of champagne. You can now celebrate the end of the crypto-facist, socialist-Muslim-atheist-communist, foreign dictatorship you’ve been living under the last four years.  (Editor’s Note: It would be pretty funny if Obama actually is a Muslim terrorist Manchurian candidate. After spending decades working their nefarious plot to seize control of this country, Obama finally gains power like Damien from The Omen. A decade’s long plot carried out. Apparently so they can force us to buy health insurance. It’s like sending the Terminator back in time to play left tackle for the Redskins.)

10) If Mitt Romney concedes the election to Barack Obama, and you voted for the President, go ahead and open your bottle of champagne. Twenty years from now, when the partisan smoke clears, you’ll be able to say you voted for the most significant Presidency of our lifetimes. (Editor’s Note: No one who plays this drinking game will be alive in one year let alone twenty.)

11) Finally, if the electoral college ends up looking like this:

Obama: 303 Romney: 235

Take a shot, because I was right.

(Editor’s Note: That doesn’t happen often)