Votepocalypse (for your liver)
Most people don’t like politics. I get it. It’s tough to
enjoy something that prominently features Wolf Blitzer. Because you don’t love
politics surviving election night will require copious amounts of one of the
two things that make everything better: sex or alcohol. Since watching tons of
politics dooms one to a life of near celibacy (Editor’s Note: Or so we hear)
let’s turn our lonely eyes to alcohol.
What should I drink?
If you voted for the President you should be drinking
scotch. Why? Because that’s what Toby Ziegler would drink. If you don’t know
who Tobias Ziegler is please lie and say you do if we ever meet. Otherwise I’ll
go on a twenty minute rant that will feel endless. Let’s just move on.
If you sided with Governor Romney I assume you’ll spend
the night drinking the blood of infants. (Editor’s
Note: I thought we were trying to be
bi-partisan?) Or hemlock, you should also feel free to drink hemlock. (Editor’s Note: Hemlock kills people!) Fine, if you voted for Romney take your
private elevator down to your expansive wine cellar and grab a few bottles of
that Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru, Cote de Nuits you’ve been collecting. (Editor’s Note: Did you seriously just Google world’s most expensive wines?)
If you didn’t vote, drink Jaegermeister. You deserve the
hangover. Seriously, how hard is it to vote for a President every four years?
OK, I have my drink in hand. But when should I drink?
I’d suggest early and often. (Editor’s Note: You may have a
problem) But let’s not miss
these additional drinking opportunities.
1)
Anytime CNN uses their holograph technology,
take a drink. It’s like watching TV from the future.
2)
Take a drink anytime Wolf Blitzer makes an
awkward joke which bombs. As an aside, I would watch every episode of an Odd
Couple remake starring Wolf Blitzer and Chris Christie.
3)
Anytime someone says the words “toss-up”,
“mandate” or “independents” take a drink. (Editor’s
Note: Jesus, what’s the mortality
rate of this game?)
4)
If they call Ohio for Romney and you voted for Romney,
take a drink. Then take a look at all of your crestfallen liberal friends and
think of something really pompous to say.
5)
If they call Ohio for Obama take a drink. Then
celebrate the fact that we won’t have another teetotaler Republican President in
the White House. (Editor’s Note: Are we sure President Bush wasn’t drinking?
Alcohol would explain a lot.)
6)
Anytime someone on Fox blames an Obama victory
on Hurricane Sandy or voter fraud, take a drink. (Editor’s Note: Unless your
health insurance covers a stint in rehab you may want to just choose another
network.)
7)
If anyone references Florida’s 2000 recount,
turn the channel to a Family Guy rerun for ten minutes…then take a drink. Think
of Stewie as your political palate cleanser.
8)
Anytime you’re caught listening to Ed Shultz,
Newt Gingrich, Al Sharpton, Sarah Palin, Michael Moore, David Gergen or Sean
Hannity…take a shot. A drink will
likely not be enough.
9)
If Barack Obama concedes the election to Mitt
Romney, and you voted for Mitt Romney, open a bottle of champagne. You can now celebrate
the end of the crypto-facist, socialist-Muslim-atheist-communist, foreign
dictatorship you’ve been living under the last four years. (Editor’s
Note: It would be pretty funny if
Obama actually is a Muslim terrorist Manchurian candidate. After spending
decades working their nefarious plot to seize control of this country, Obama finally
gains power like Damien from The Omen. A decade’s long plot carried out. Apparently
so they can force us to buy health insurance. It’s like sending the Terminator
back in time to play left tackle for the Redskins.)
10) If Mitt Romney concedes the
election to Barack Obama, and you voted for the President, go ahead and open
your bottle of champagne. Twenty years from now, when the partisan smoke
clears, you’ll be able to say you voted for the most significant Presidency of
our lifetimes. (Editor’s Note: No one who plays this drinking game will be
alive in one year let alone twenty.)
11) Finally, if the electoral
college ends up looking like this:
Obama: 303 Romney: 235
Take a shot, because I was
right.
(Editor’s Note: That doesn’t
happen often)
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