Scene: Entering HALF MOON SPORTS BAR – Typical
MNF hangout. Headed to our usual
seats.
Burlacher: (Passes the host - bounding down the stairs to the bar,
announces his drink while still walking to his seat) “Blue Moon please.”
Server looks down over the bar expecting it to be Burlacher but just
making sure… “Yes, sir… it will be at your seat. Is that all for now?”
Burlacher: (hoisting himself to his spot on the bar, doesn’t look at the
menu, has it memorized) “And some cheese sticks please; I’m a vegetarian, you
understand.”
Server: (confused, pretty sure he got Chicken Tenders last week, looks
at the computer and enters the order) “Obviously.”
Burlacher: (turns to the person sitting next to us) “Scuz me, I can’t
tell by the boring green shirt you’re wearing, are you a 49ers fan?”
Fan: (obviously taken aback that a little guy could be so argumentative)
“Uh, yeah.”
Burlacher: “Thought so, the game just started and this is the Bears side
of the bar and I’d like you to leave but before you go, what do you think of
this Campbell v. Capricorn battle of the backups?”
Fan: “Well, first of all its Kaeprinick and…”
Bulacher: (cuts him off, speaking very loudly now to defend himself)
“FIRST of all YOU (now pointing) don’t correct me and now please leave, please
leave right now and don’t act like we’re friends cuz we’re not. I know your
type, you’re always skeptical at first because I’m small and I’m a better fan
than you because I wear a helmet and you wear a green shirt and then you want
pictures and I won’t do it.”
Me: (scolding) “Burlacher, be nice…”
Burlacher: “I was. I asked
him a simple question and he tried to put me down. He started it.”
Me: (speaking quickly, nervous but needed to say this) “I think you
actually started it by asking him to leave, before you asked him the question,
and then you messed up the name of his quarterback.”
Burlacher: (Looking directly at the tv, takes a sip of his Blue Moon) “I
don’t remember it that way.”
After successfully ignoring the 10-0 beating we took in the first
quarter Burlacher finishes his cheese sticks, gets another beer and is ready to
focus for Q2 when out of the gates the 49ers score another touchdown. Burlacher
turns away from the tv, upset, trying
not to watch the extra point when he notices a few girls with a camera walking
his way….Burlacher quickly sits down, grabs a menu and appears completely
enthralled…
Me: “Burlacher, what are you doing, you’ve already eaten and regardless,
you know the entire menu…”
Burlacher: (girls rapidly approaching) “I’m not in the mood for
pictures, tell them I’m reading.”
Girls: (looking at me) “Hi, do you think we could get a….”
Me: “I’m so sorry, he’s sleeping.” (girls walk away very dejected…)
Burlacher: (angrily looks
over the menu at me) “SLEEPING?! I’m not sleeping! I’m in a bar, that wasn’t
believable at all.”
Me: “Well you had your eyes closed.”
Burlacher: “Because I didn’t want to make eye contact!”
Me: “Well how could you be reading with your eyes closed?!”
Burlacher: “NOOOO!”
Me: “What!?”
Burlacher: (Points at the tv with one hand and covers his eyes with the
other - the 49ers just kicked a field goal making the lead 20-0) “I can’t take
this! Please, no more.”
Me: “Its halftime so luckily there is no more for a few minutes…”
Burlacher: (as if I said
nothing, turns to a nearby pole buries his head in a dramatic fashion as if
he’s given up and speaks in a weakened voice)… “One more 49ers touchdown and I
must leave.”
He remains this way for halftime, speaking to no one. The second half
starts and Burlacher is now watching timidly, peeking his head around the pole
every few seconds, taking his play-by-play cues from the reaction of his friend
in the green shirt. And then it
happens. The 49ers score again and its now 27-0.
All of the Bears fans take a moment to grieve independently then look up
to comfort each other, and then I notice Burlacher is nowhere to be found. Three of us remain calm for a few
seconds searching the near vicinity but nothing…
Panic starts taking over as we check the bathrooms, ask the patrons, now
yelling loudly for him and still nothing. Two friends in our group continue the
searching inside and I race outside… frantically looking under cars and in the
busy streets and then… I spot him, sitting peacefully by a rock facing the
building.
Me: (sprinting and yelling) “BURlacher!!!!! What are you doing?! Are you
okay?! (now out of breath) You scared us to death.”
Burlacher: (still staring at the wall, unphased) “I’m fine Cupcake. I
needed some peace to clear my mind.”
Me: “If it makes you feel better, we were on a drive and I think we may
have scored a touchdown by now.”
Burlacher: “It’s too late, the damage is done. Take me home or lose me
forever.”
Me: “Oooohhhh I get it, this is why you’re being so dramatic, you were
watching Top Gun again weren’t you…”
Burlacher: (still refusing to move) “Well, now that Culter is concussed,
Goose is my new hero.”
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