BEARS WEEK 15 -- FORGETTABLE (or, the week before Burlacher sees his first live NFL game)

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene: Half Moon Sports Bar, usual spots.

Upon the Packers scoring on their first Drive of the second half – taking the score to 21-7 Packers lead, Burlacher covered his eyes with his new Holiday scarf, sucked down his third Bloody Mary and mumbled something about “…not being able to watch, it’s just too painful to lose to the Packers twice in one season….” 

He peaked only once when Mare, our backup kicker, scored our second field goal with 7 minutes left making the score within reach at 21 - 13…. An optimist would have believed we were back in the game but those close to Burlacher recall him saying something like, “I can’t let myself get excited, my heart can’t take this roller coaster…” he then promptly recovered his eyes and ordered a fourth Bloody.

His suspicions were correct and 21-13 was the final score that fateful Sunday (3 days ago), marking our second loss to the Packers in one season (unusual).  Burlacher went to bed early that evening, a wee bit perplexed and slightly depressed. However, like any true fan, he awoke the next day with a new outlook… sipping his coffee, lounging in his bathrobe and watching game recaps on ESPN, he profoundly stated… “We will be victorious this Sunday against the Cardinals, I will be at the game and I feel I give them courage and provide inspiration.”

Me: “Do you think maybe the Bears are just better than the Cardinals this year and that’s why you are predicting the win?”

Burlacher: (Proudly) “No, when they see me on that sideline, nothing else matters…”

I questioned if that really made sense or maybe there should have been more to the sentence, but I saw no need to burst his bubble.  Let the countdown begin to Burlacher’s first experience inside an NFL stadium cheering on his team…

BEARS WEEK 14 -- BURLACHER VISITS SANTA; IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE RESULTS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene:  Burlacher’s condo – Evening – Thursday December 6.  Burlacher is watching Sportscenter from his favorite chair.  Burlacher has just learned the news that Uncle Brian will be out for Sunday’s game against the Vikings – he jumps from his chair and races to the coat closet, pulls out his Christmas hat and scarf, appears to be preparing to leave…

Me: “Burlacher, where are you going?”

Burlacher: (focused on tying is scarf) “I’m leaving – I must speak with Santa right away.”

Me: “Why? How is Santa going to help you?”

Burlacher: “Listen Cupcake, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks… we won on Thanksgiving but I got in trouble trying to steal the honey before dinner.  Then, I was so confident going into overtime against the Seahawks, I even challenged our neighbor bear, Skittles, to a stare off and that win was taken right out from under me. I need help this time. I need a comeback win against the Vikings but I can’t tell you what I’m going to ask Santa for or it won’t come true.”

Me: “Burlacher, this is not a birthday wish. You can tell me.”

The Stare Off

Burlacher: (standing  in the doorway, still fussing with his scarf) “Fine, I want him to make sure Uncle Brian and Timmy Jennings play and I want him to make sure we win. (now starring up at me) And I want one more thing if he has time but those are the most important. We need to go now, I hate lines.”

The Scene:  Burlacher in line to see Santa – talks a big game but is very nervous, watching closely to those going before him to devise a strategy. Burlacher’s turn… walks confidently to Santa, stops in front of him and looks up…

Burlacher: (all business) “Santa, we need to talk.”

Santa: (picks him up and sets him on his knee) “Oh really!? What can I get for you this year little man?”

Waiting nervously for Santa

Burlacher: (looking Santa directly in the eyes) “Well, my name is Burlacher and I want my Christmas present early. I am worried about my Uncle Brian, he’s injured and we have big game this weekend - major division rivalry against the Vikings - and we need to win. I need you to make sure my Uncle plays; and if you can, Timmy Jennings too please.”

Santa:  “I will certainly do what I can, is that all you want for Christmas?”

Burlacher: “There is one more thing, but I need you to focus on the game, so I will only tell you if you feel you will have time for everything…

Santa: “Lets hear it…?”

Burlacher: “Well, (looking down at his feet) I really need cleats. I think some of my friends don’t take me seriously because I don’t have footware. But that’s only if you have time, but I would appreciate it. And that’s for Christmas Day, not now; now I need Uncle Brian to play and for us to beat the Vikings.”

Santa: “I will work on both of those… but make sure you put those cleats on your list so I don’t forget…”

Burlacher: “Will do Santa. Oh, and don’t take it personally if I eat all your cookies, I know I did that last year and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I hope you don’t hold that against me cuz I really need the things I asked for this year.”

The Scene: Bulacher’s Codo – morning – Bears v. Vikings Game Day.  Burlacher, zoned in on pregame - changes from his hat to his helmet.

Burlacher: (in his chair, talking to himself while laying out the starting line up on mini white board) “Santa let me down, Uncle Brian and Timmy are not playing, I have little hope for our defense; but he gave us Alshon back, which I didn’t ask for, but is critical because Earl is concussed, so maybe with Hester, Brandon and Alshon we have a shot of our offense scoring.”

Game Begin - Adrian Peterson scores on the Vikings first run. No reaction from Burlacher, this was expected. Viking score again almost immediately. Not going well.

Burlacher: (fuming) “Santa is a liar.”

Me: “Don’t be so harsh… you asked for others things too, maybe he’s focused on those…”

Burlacher: (very irritated) “I asked for one other thing, only one, and I made it clear that came second to Uncle Brian playing and Bears win.  Santa doesn’t care about me.”

Just then Cutler throws to Alshon in the end zone… Touchdown!!  Burlacher, caught off guard, so busy complaining he almost missed it… Jumps to his feet in his chair and starts to shimmy, no time for a full victory lap before Robbie has kicked our extra point.  Trailing 17-7 at half…. Burlacher turns his attention to the Christmas tree as a distraction and continues the decorating he started the evening before. 

The second half starts and Burlacher is back in his seat at attention. 3rd quarter reveals little action until Cutler’s pass intended for Marshall is intercepted and the Vikings run it in for at touchdown. Back and forth drives continue for both teams throughout the 4th quarter but the game remains 21-7. With 5 minutes left Cutler is taken out with a mild neck injury, replaced by back up QB Jason Campbell.  Immediately, as if it were a reflex, and with no expression - Burlacher slides out of his chair, walks to the Christmas tree, changes from his helmet to his hat, climbs back on his step stool (regulation size Bears helmet) and begins decorating.

Me: “What are you doing? There is plenty of time left?”

Burlacher: “Cutler is out Cupcake. I should not need to say more but I realize you’re not as knowledgeable as me so I will tell you, this means we have conceded the loss and our focus is on the Packers next week; I just can’t watch anymore.”

Me: “Okay but Campbell just threw a touchdown pass to Marshall.”

Burlacher: (not watching, his back to the tv) “I don’t want to address this again, I don’t have my helmet on which means, as you know, I’m no longer watching and I don’t care. There is not enough time for us to come back with the lineup we have in the game, both teams know that and they’re barely defending us now, so for my own sanity I have transitioned and I suggest you do the same.”

Me: “But what if we win the onside kick and we tie it up and we go into overtime…”

Burlacher: (rolling his eyes) “And it ends the same way the Seahawks game did? Let it go Cupcake…” (now examining the tree) I really need to focus on this tree…. There are so many bare spots on the side you worked on its embarrassing for you, I will fix it but please don’t touch anything when I’m done...”

THE HEISMAN 2012 -- yawn -- WAIT, WHAT WERE WE SAYING?

(by Lyko)

It’s “Touchdown” Jesus, Not “Tackles for a Loss” Jesus

(Or, why this is not the year for us to stop being afraid to give the Heisman to a defensive player)[1]

If you don't know this one, leave now

So, the Heisman trust has announced that they will only be reserving three seats in NYC on Saturday.  While I understand that this award that I have had a mild obsession with since I began watching college football in the mid-80s is given every year, this happens to be one of the years I just wish they would skip it and broadcast the Outland Trophy presentation.  It is time to enact the non-existent “Torretta-Salaam” Clause of the non-existent Second Amendment of the non-existent Heisman Carta.  None of these three finalist have had the sorts of season that I remember out of Sanders, Jackson or Walker.  None of them have had the sorts of season that I have read that were had by Dorsett or Staubach. 

As a kid, I would pour over football books at the library, reading about Alan Ameche and Paul Hornung and the Misters Inside and Outside.  There was an awe factor to the award and its winners.  This year is decidedly short on awe.  This year does however guarantee a first.  Collin Klein would be the first ever winner from Kansas State, Johnny Manziel would be the first ever freshmen, and linebacker Manti T’eo of the reborn and the undefeated Fighting Irish would be the first purely defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy.  I’d prefer if we saw none of these firsts, but have the biggest problem T’eo.

Notre Dame LB Manti T'eo

Let’s be clear.  T’eo is a fantastic player.  From everything I have read or heard he is a young man of character as well as an absolute beast.  He is a worthy cover-boy for the deserved rise to prominence of a team that increases the value and enjoyment of all of college football by being relevant.  He will be a top five pick (possibly number one overall), and I will spend the next ten years imagining how good he would look in a Patriots uniform next to Dont’a Hightower and Jerod Mayo.  But Manti T’eo should not win the Heisman, and here is why:

1.     He may not even win the award for being the best player at his position.  Jarvis Jones was a finalist for the Butkus Award last year, a two-time All-American, and, he is the Defensive Player of the year in a conference that also boasts Milliner, Moore, Montgomery & Mingo – oh, and Jadevean Clowney.  Plus, throughout this season, Scouts, Inc. and the Sith Lord Kiper have consistently ranked Jones ahead of T’eo as a pro prospect.

ESPN Draft Guru Mel Kiper, Jr.

2.     This is, obviously, a depleted year in terms of offensive standouts.  Last year gave us the rise of RGIII and the culmination of Andrew Luck.  Case Keenum through about 137 touchdown passes and only 5 interceptions.  Monte Ball flirted with Barry Sanders’ TD record.  I mean, the guy who finished 10^th in the voting, LaMichael James was the defending Doak Walker award winner and averaged 7.3 yards per carry last year.  Had Notre Dame and T’eo had this season last year, would T’eo have been a finalist?  Would he have finished higher in the voting than the Honey Badger?  I think not.  If he had his 2012 campaign last year, AGAIN he would not have been the best linebacker in the country.  On his player card on ESPN.com, Mel Vader writes that T’eo is having “one of the best seasons from an interior linebacker I can remember.”  Mel, Luke Kuechly averaged almost 16 tackles a game last year.  He was an absolute machine surrounded by far inferior recruiting classes than what T’eo played with.  Kuechly was a two time All American, the MVP of every bowl he ever played in and in his last year won the Butkus, Nagurski and Lombardi Awards.  All of that and he didn’t even crack the top ten in Heisman voting.  This year, T’eo heads to NYC because Geno Smith flared out, WRs Bailey, Lee and Williams kind of cancel each other out and Matt Barkley accomplishes something extraordinary: he was, by almost all preseason pundit predictions, THE Heisman favorite and did not even get invited to the ceremony.[2]  So, a great season by a great player with a great story (who happens to be playing for the an undefeated team that is playing for the national championship) gets elevated and offered a trip the Big Apple because somebody had to.  Nonsense.

Frank Eliscu

3.     If the mold (kind of literally) is going to be broken, T’eo is not the guy.  This is not only an offensive award, it’s a backfield award.  Only six players have ever won it that were not a running back or a quarterback.  Don’t blame the voters or the fans, blame sculptor Frank Eliscu.  The moment he handed NYU standout Ed Smith a football and asked him to pose with his right leg forward and his right arm out, he condemned the Heisman Trophy to be given ball carriers.   Woodson aside, T’eo would be the first defensive player to win it and is one of the few defensive invitees.  Since 1980, 35 defensive players have finished in the top ten in the voting, but only eight of them finished as finalists[3] – Hugh Green, Dave Rimington, Brian Bosworth, Marvin Jones, Orlando Pace, Charles Woodson, Ndamunkong Suh and The Honey Badger.  Besides Jones & The HB, this is a list that T’eo can’t hang with in terms of legacy.   Suh was more dominant, Pace and Woodson will make the Hall of Fame at both levels, Dave Rimington has an award named after him and Hugh Green (the only defensive player ever to finish as runner up besides Alex Karras) was possibly the greatest defensive collegiate ever.  And what of The Boz?  If it weren’t for the anabolics and the antics, the winner of the first two Butkus awards might get the credit he deserves.[4]  If T’eo does not win the Heisman, I do not see him being remembered on the collegiate level with Green, Rimington, Woodson or Pace.  For my money Suh was an absolutely terrifying player, and in terms of excitement factor and making huge plays, the Honey Badger’s 2011 season was far more celebration-worthy.  If that little guy is ever gonna drop that ball and use that stiff arm to wrap somebody up, I just don’t think T’eo and his season are reason enough to do it.

South Carolina DE Jadaveon Clowney

If T’eo wins, it certainly will not be the greatest miscarriage of Heisman justice, but it will be a let down.  I still hold out for this award to excite me the way it did when I was 11 (it was 1988, Barry Sanders provided plenty excitement), and T’eo isn’t doing it.  Alas, maybe I’m just cynical.  Maybe it will never be as exciting as when I was a kid.  But I say, just give the thing to Klein. T’eo can go dominate at the pro level and let’s leave “first defensive player to win” to another year.

Yo, Mr. Clowney, I’m talking to you here.

---

[1] I believe Charles Woodson should be listed as a defensive player only if an asterisk is involved.  Yes, he had 8 interceptions in his final season as a Wolverine, but his signature moment was the punt return for a TD in his last Michigan/Ohio St. game when UM was #2 and OSU was #4.  If Woodson doesn’t return that punt, or if he does and the Buckeyes still win then Peyton Manning wins the Heisman.

[2] This observation provided by Christopher Toussaint Burke

[3] The only info I could find was top ten voting lists, so unless I knew otherwise I am using finalist to mean players who finished in the top five.

[4] For what it’s worth, The Boz has been very vocal this year about T’eo and how Heisman’s legitimacy is in question because of it never goes to a defensive player.

WELCOME TO LOS STRANGELES

(by Burke)

Every city has its unique quirks. For example, I grew up in Boston.  Our particular characteristics included rampant binge drinking, above ground pools and a proclivity for Greek owned pizzerias. So I have some experience with weird cities. I’ve now lived in Los Angeles for almost nine years. According to my calculations that’s about 500,000 days. (Editor’s note: figures are approximate) Here are some of the reasons why Los Angeles is our Nation’s definitively strange city:

-This afternoon the Los Angeles Police Department discovered a decapitated body. As of tonight they were still holding off on declaring this a homicide. Understand what this means -- in Los Angeles, murder is not necessarily the reason you might stumble upon a headless corpse on the street. (Editor’s Note: It is a reason why Los Angeles isn’t a walking city.)

- 90% of Los Angeles residents under 30 work in the Yoga industry. This only succeeds because they spend a lot of time going to each other’s yoga classes. So without a constant influx of 20-something yogi’s into Los Angeles the whole system would collapse. That’s right, this City has created the world’s first economy based on a yoga Ponzi scheme.

-  Los Angeles is the second largest city in America. It is the world’s third largest economic center. Like thousands of other politicians, Los Angeles’ Mayor went to law school. What’s the difference? Our mayor failed the bar exam four times. Seriously, four times. I’m not sure what’s worse, that he failed the Bar Exam four times or that he continued to believe he would eventually pass. (Editor’s Note: Tis far, far better to be stupid and self-aware than stupid and not know it.) New York City has one of the world’s most successful businessmen as Mayor. Los Angeles has the least distinguished graduate from the People’s College of Law. (Editor’s Note: That sounds like the name of a law school in North Korea)

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa

- This may be a good time to mention that Los Angeles is Spanish for angels. It’s safe to say this is America’s most ironically named city. That is, unless, San Antonio is actually the Spanish word for thin.

- Los Angeles tourist attractions revolve around death. We have the Viper Room, where River Phoenix overdosed on…well, pretty much everything. Down the road you visit the Chateau Marmont. Otherwise known as the hotel where John Belushi overdosed on…well, pretty much everything. Also, this is where Lindsay Lohan regularly attempts to overdose on…well, pretty much everything. Take a ride to the OJ Simpson murder scene. (Editor’s Note: Alleged murder scene!) Sorry, alleged murder scene. Los Angeles is where OJ ended up in jail for something other than murdering two people.  And don’t worry if you have kids. We have a grizzly tourist attraction just for them. Swing by the La Brea Tar Pits, a giant pool of oozing goo slowly revealing the bones of animals which have been dead for tens of thousands of years.

- Los Angeles is a national melting pot of ridiculously good looking women. But the city’s most famous strip club, Jumbo’s Clown Room, regularly showcases the world’s least attractive strippers. Why? Because in Los Angeles a strip club isn’t a place to see beautiful women. They’re a refuge from them. (Editor’s Note: At least until the Yoga Ponzi Scheme collapses.)

- Finally, after a long day of traversing this unfailingly weird city, you get home just in time to catch the local news. You absolutely have to know whether it’s going to be 77 or 80 degrees tomorrow. Not only does your local weather have five separate forecasts (Editor’s Note: Downtown, Beach, Mountains, Valley and Inland Empire) but your local weather man’s name is Johnny Mountain. Los Angeles…the only city where you don’t even doubt that’s his real name.

 All of this and somehow not a single Greek-run pizzeria.

BEARS WEEK 11 -- UNBEARABLE, BUT BURLACHER DISCOVERS THERE REALLY ARE TWO "O's" IN GOOSE, BOYS

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Scene:  Entering HALF MOON SPORTS BAR – Typical MNF hangout.  Headed to our usual seats.

Burlacher: (Passes the host - bounding down the stairs to the bar, announces his drink while still walking to his seat) “Blue Moon please.”

Server looks down over the bar expecting it to be Burlacher but just making sure… “Yes, sir… it will be at your seat. Is that all for now?”

Burlacher: (hoisting himself to his spot on the bar, doesn’t look at the menu, has it memorized) “And some cheese sticks please; I’m a vegetarian, you understand.”

Server: (confused, pretty sure he got Chicken Tenders last week, looks at the computer and enters the order) “Obviously.”

Burlacher: (turns to the person sitting next to us) “Scuz me, I can’t tell by the boring green shirt you’re wearing, are you a 49ers fan?”

Fan: (obviously taken aback that a little guy could be so argumentative) “Uh, yeah.”

Burlacher: “Thought so, the game just started and this is the Bears side of the bar and I’d like you to leave but before you go, what do you think of this Campbell v. Capricorn battle of the backups?”

Fan: “Well, first of all its Kaeprinick and…”

Bulacher: (cuts him off, speaking very loudly now to defend himself) “FIRST of all YOU (now pointing) don’t correct me and now please leave, please leave right now and don’t act like we’re friends cuz we’re not. I know your type, you’re always skeptical at first because I’m small and I’m a better fan than you because I wear a helmet and you wear a green shirt and then you want pictures and I won’t do it.”

Me: (scolding) “Burlacher, be nice…”

Burlacher:  “I was. I asked him a simple question and he tried to put me down. He started it.”

Me: (speaking quickly, nervous but needed to say this) “I think you actually started it by asking him to leave, before you asked him the question, and then you messed up the name of his quarterback.”

Burlacher: (Looking directly at the tv, takes a sip of his Blue Moon) “I don’t remember it that way.”

After successfully ignoring the 10-0 beating we took in the first quarter Burlacher finishes his cheese sticks, gets another beer and is ready to focus for Q2 when out of the gates the 49ers score another touchdown. Burlacher turns away from the tv, upset,  trying not to watch the extra point when he notices a few girls with a camera walking his way….Burlacher quickly sits down, grabs a menu and appears completely enthralled…

Me: “Burlacher, what are you doing, you’ve already eaten and regardless, you know the entire menu…”

Burlacher: (girls rapidly approaching) “I’m not in the mood for pictures, tell them I’m reading.”

Girls: (looking at me) “Hi, do you think we could get a….”

Me: “I’m so sorry, he’s sleeping.” (girls walk away very dejected…)

Burlacher:  (angrily looks over the menu at me) “SLEEPING?! I’m not sleeping! I’m in a bar, that wasn’t believable at all.”

Me: “Well you had your eyes closed.”

Burlacher: “Because I didn’t want to make eye contact!”

Me: “Well how could you be reading with your eyes closed?!”

Burlacher: “NOOOO!”

Me: “What!?”

Burlacher: (Points at the tv with one hand and covers his eyes with the other - the 49ers just kicked a field goal making the lead 20-0) “I can’t take this! Please, no more.”

Me: “Its halftime so luckily there is no more for a few minutes…”

Burlacher:  (as if I said nothing, turns to a nearby pole buries his head in a dramatic fashion as if he’s given up and speaks in a weakened voice)… “One more 49ers touchdown and I must leave.”

He remains this way for halftime, speaking to no one. The second half starts and Burlacher is now watching timidly, peeking his head around the pole every few seconds, taking his play-by-play cues from the reaction of his friend in the green shirt.  And then it happens. The 49ers score again and its now 27-0. 

All of the Bears fans take a moment to grieve independently then look up to comfort each other, and then I notice Burlacher is nowhere to be found.  Three of us remain calm for a few seconds searching the near vicinity but nothing…

Panic starts taking over as we check the bathrooms, ask the patrons, now yelling loudly for him and still nothing. Two friends in our group continue the searching inside and I race outside… frantically looking under cars and in the busy streets and then… I spot him, sitting peacefully by a rock facing the building.

Me: (sprinting and yelling) “BURlacher!!!!! What are you doing?! Are you okay?! (now out of breath) You scared us to death.”

Burlacher: (still staring at the wall, unphased) “I’m fine Cupcake. I needed some peace to clear my mind.”

Me: “If it makes you feel better, we were on a drive and I think we may have scored a touchdown by now.”

Burlacher: “It’s too late, the damage is done. Take me home or lose me forever.”

Me: “Oooohhhh I get it, this is why you’re being so dramatic, you were watching Top Gun again weren’t you…”

Burlacher: (still refusing to move) “Well, now that Culter is concussed, Goose is my new hero.”

BEARS WEEK 9 -- RnR SPORTS BAR HOSTS A BEARS BLOWOUT

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

RnR Sports Bar

Scene:  10 minutes before game time, arriving at local sports bar - RnR - for Burlacher's favorite brunch with wedding party from previous evening.  Note – Burlacher is aware of his celebrity status and though he did attend the aforementioned wedding held on the eve of the Bears/Titans game, he specifically requested no photos be taken of him as not to take away from the Bride and Groom’s special day. 

Also to note – Burlacher takes pride in his independence.  Often times he insists on being carried up stairs given the size of his wee legs in relation to the steps, but will make excuses as not to admit his lack of independence. 

Burlacher: (stops at the bottom of staircase, pulls on my pant leg and looks up) “My quads are just killing me from all that dancing last night so I would like to be carried today please.”

Me: (rolling my eyes, knowing the truth) “Of course.”

Burlacher:  (arriving on the patio, immediately spots the ladies he was dancing with the night before sitting at a table near a tv – pointing) “Take me to them quickly Cupcake.  Bypass the crowd.  I don’t want to be social; I haven’t had my coffee.” (Buries his head in my shoulder, dodging high fives as we pass through the masses)

The Ladies: “Burlacher!!  We saved a spot for you! The game just started…”

Burlacher: “Sssshhhhh!  I don’t want to be noticed (too late)…. Do we have a server? I need coffee.”

The ladies grab the server….

Server: “What can I get for you?”

Burlacher:  (focus torn between the game and the menu) “Coffee and cinnamon roll please.”

Server: “Sir, I’m sorry if I’m out of line but our cinnamon rolls are quite large and I just think it may be a bit much for you.”

I thought about stepping in, was not the time to have his size questioned coming off the stairs incident but the damage was done and the response was imminent….

Burlacher: (shoots him a look) “You are out of line. I will have a cinnamon roll and I will finish it and in the future I would not like your advice.”

Thankfully for our server, just then the Bears block the Titans punt and Corey Wooten runs it in for a touchdown!! The insult was immediately forgotten as Burlacher jumps to his feet with no help from his arms as if he was in Army drill and takes off high fiving the table.

He returns to his seat as his cinnamon roll arrives. He greets it with a poker face but is clearly scared he may have lied about being able to finish it… outwardly he remains calm, turns on the charm and starts offering bites to the ladies claiming he doesn’t want to eat in front of them.  We all know the truth but didn’t have time to discuss as we notice Matt Forte headed for the end zone… TOUCHDOWN!! and Burlacher is off…. This time he’s jumping from table to table fist pounding the men, high fiving the ladies and stopping to shimmy when appropriate.  The group was large and there were a lot of tables so this lap took longer than most, he rounded the corner, now eyes on the tv for his home stretch….

Burlacher: (eyes huge, now screaming) “UNCLE BRIAN!!!  Interception!!! He’s running, he’s got it…. TOUCHDOWN!!! UNCLE BRIAN IS A HERO!!”

I race to Burlacher, nervous about what he is capable of when he gets this excited but he’s already jumped in the arms of a girl in wearing a Bears shirt and is dancing the tango…. He demands to be dipped but turns into dead weight as he is stunned when he notices a man passing by…. He rises cautiously…

Burlacher: (to the man) “Uncle Brian!?? Is that You? How can this be you? You just scored a touchdown on the television?”

The Man: (laughing) “No no…. I’m just wearing his jersey and I know I kinda look like him, I get that a lot.”

Burlacher: (justifying and acting cool….) “Well, you do look just like him so I bet you do get that a lot… anyway, Uncle Brian requests I send him a picture of my game day celebrations for his mantel, I would like a photo with you please.”

The Man: (zero hesitation) “Sure! I’d be honored.”

Burlacher checks the score:  28-2 at the end of the first quarter.  The route is on ….

Burlacher: (walking away, talking to himself and whoever may be in earshot.. sighs..) “Aaawwww, what a day…. We’ve got this one in the bag, I’m gonna go DJ….” 

 http://rnrscottsdale.com/home.html

ELECTION DAY SPECIAL -- VOTEPOCALPYSE; THE DRINKING GAME

(by Burke)

Votepocalypse (for your liver)

Most people don’t like politics. I get it. It’s tough to enjoy something that prominently features Wolf Blitzer. Because you don’t love politics surviving election night will require copious amounts of one of the two things that make everything better: sex or alcohol. Since watching tons of politics dooms one to a life of near celibacy (Editor’s Note: Or so we hear) let’s turn our lonely eyes to alcohol.

What should I drink?

If you voted for the President you should be drinking scotch. Why? Because that’s what Toby Ziegler would drink. If you don’t know who Tobias Ziegler is please lie and say you do if we ever meet. Otherwise I’ll go on a twenty minute rant that will feel endless. Let’s just move on.

If you sided with Governor Romney I assume you’ll spend the night drinking the blood of infants. (Editor’s Note: I thought we were trying to be bi-partisan?) Or hemlock, you should also feel free to drink hemlock. (Editor’s Note: Hemlock kills people!) Fine, if you voted for Romney take your private elevator down to your expansive wine cellar and grab a few bottles of that Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru, Cote de Nuits you’ve been collecting. (Editor’s Note: Did you seriously just Google world’s most expensive wines?)

If you didn’t vote, drink Jaegermeister. You deserve the hangover. Seriously, how hard is it to vote for a President every four years?

OK, I have my drink in hand. But when should I drink?

I’d suggest early and often. (Editor’s Note: You may have a problem)  But let’s not miss these additional drinking opportunities.

1)    Anytime CNN uses their holograph technology, take a drink. It’s like watching TV from the future.

2)    Take a drink anytime Wolf Blitzer makes an awkward joke which bombs. As an aside, I would watch every episode of an Odd Couple remake starring Wolf Blitzer and Chris Christie.

3)    Anytime someone says the words “toss-up”, “mandate” or “independents” take a drink. (Editor’s Note: Jesus, what’s the mortality rate of this game?)

4)    If they call Ohio for Romney and you voted for Romney, take a drink. Then take a look at all of your crestfallen liberal friends and think of something really pompous to say.

5)    If they call Ohio for Obama take a drink. Then celebrate the fact that we won’t have another teetotaler Republican President in the White House. (Editor’s Note: Are we sure President Bush wasn’t drinking? Alcohol would explain a lot.)

6)    Anytime someone on Fox blames an Obama victory on Hurricane Sandy or voter fraud, take a drink. (Editor’s Note: Unless your health insurance covers a stint in rehab you may want to just choose another network.)

7)    If anyone references Florida’s 2000 recount, turn the channel to a Family Guy rerun for ten minutes…then take a drink. Think of Stewie as your political palate cleanser.

8)    Anytime you’re caught listening to Ed Shultz, Newt Gingrich, Al Sharpton, Sarah Palin, Michael Moore, David Gergen or Sean Hannity…take a shot.  A drink will likely not be enough.

9)    If Barack Obama concedes the election to Mitt Romney, and you voted for Mitt Romney, open a bottle of champagne. You can now celebrate the end of the crypto-facist, socialist-Muslim-atheist-communist, foreign dictatorship you’ve been living under the last four years.  (Editor’s Note: It would be pretty funny if Obama actually is a Muslim terrorist Manchurian candidate. After spending decades working their nefarious plot to seize control of this country, Obama finally gains power like Damien from The Omen. A decade’s long plot carried out. Apparently so they can force us to buy health insurance. It’s like sending the Terminator back in time to play left tackle for the Redskins.)

10) If Mitt Romney concedes the election to Barack Obama, and you voted for the President, go ahead and open your bottle of champagne. Twenty years from now, when the partisan smoke clears, you’ll be able to say you voted for the most significant Presidency of our lifetimes. (Editor’s Note: No one who plays this drinking game will be alive in one year let alone twenty.)

11) Finally, if the electoral college ends up looking like this:

Obama: 303 Romney: 235

Take a shot, because I was right.

(Editor’s Note: That doesn’t happen often)