BEARS WEEK 8 -- THE WAR ROOM GAME

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Scene: Burlacher races from his bedroom, dressed in uniform as if he’s running late (a minute late for pregame is unconscionable for Burlacher – must be updated on the injury report and likes to debate commentator predictions) and jumps in his chair in front of the tv….

Me:  (standing behind him and speaking very fast as if that will somehow make him take the news better) “Burlacher, I have bad news, they are not showing the Bears on cable here and we can’t go to the bar today.”

Burlacher – tv remote in hand, scrolls the guide hitting every game; reading the “info” for team match up and clicking on the station to make sure they weren’t lying.  After repeating this a few times, he matter-of-factly hops from his chair, races to the front door and jumps for the handle. I stand there watching this process for a minute and finally weigh in…

Me: “Burlacher, I told you, we’re not going to the bar.”

Burlacher: “There is no we, “I” will go to the bar.”

Me: “Not if you can’t get out of the door.” (knew this was bad, couldn’t reign in the sarcasm)

Burlacher: (whips his head around, very angry) “And what exactly do you suggest I do then?”

Me: “Well, I thought I would follow it on ESPN on my computer and you could do the same from your ipad.”

Burlacher: “No. I will have both. I will follow on ESPN on your computer AND follow Larry’s gameday blog on my ipad. AND I will be watching the network for all updates and at halftime I will watch highlights and I will pray for a blow out in the Steelers/Redskins or Patriots/Rams games so cable changes to my game. Oh, and I am no longer speaking to you for putting me through this stress.”

Me: “I wish you’d change your mind… I’d like to watch….”

Burlacher: (cuts me off) “No. I said no more from you and I meant it.”

Burlacher grabbed his coffee, set up his “war room” and proceeded to watch the game with only a few grunts and small cheers from time to time. None of them invited a comment or reaction from me, until the game changer and he needed me…

Burlacher: (screaming) “TIMMY!!!!  Interception!!  Touchdown!!  Burlacher starts to do his victory shimmy and then gets distracted… (*Note - tv flipping between NFL Network and Patriots blowout, waiting for them to change games any second to a real competition but no luck yet) …. “Cupcake!!! QUICK – flip to the Steelers game, see if they’re changing to Bears!”

I do as I’m told but nothing.

Burlacher: (Staring intensely at the tv) “THOSE DAMN BUMBLE BEES! That game sucks! Those jerseys suck! This whole thing sucks!” (I say nothing)

Back to his computers he goes… hitting refresh on both every second (at least) for fear he’s missing something.

Me: “I don’t think you have to keep hitting that button…”

Burlacher: (not listening, sees the ESPN scroll that the patriots are now up 45 – 7) “Turn to the Patriots game NOW!!!!”

I turn to back and sure enough, the last two minutes of the Bears game are on.  Burlacher leaps from the seat in his war room and races to the tv. Refusing to sit, he paces, never taking his eyes off the tv as the Panthers are up 22 – 20 and our offense charges down the field. Bears make it to the Panthers 36 with four seconds remaining.

Burlacher: (whispering, almost a chant as the kicking team takes the field) “C’mon Robbie, c’mon Robbie… (following the kick as it flies through the air) it looks good, IT LOOKS GOOD….. ITS GOOD!!!! WE WIN!!! WE WIN!!!!”

Burlacher takes off on his victory lap…  screaming something about the 4^th Quarter come back, jumping on tables, high fiving inanimate objects and finally ends by jumping in my lap and hugging me (awkwardly long and clearly odd like the sweet side of those Sour Patch kids but I’m not complaining)

Burlacher: (still sitting on me like we’re best friends again but watching the tv as the Steelers highlights come on)

“Oh dear, I think I may have said some nasty things about them earlier but I’m not sure. (Stares into to space for a second and concludes) I probably didn’t.”

Me: (less is more) “You did.”

Burlacher: “Well, I might have and I’m not making excuses but those jerseys just made me so dizzy…”

BEARS WEEK 7 -- BURLACHER JOINS THE GREAT TEAM AT XTRA SPORTS 910AM; BOLD PREDICTIONS ALMOST COME TRUE

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Background – Burlacher has been sick the past few days and was thankful the Bears didn’t play until Monday so he could recoup over the weekend, but he’s is still not up to par - yet not nearly as sick as he thinks he is.

Burlacher: (shuffles from his bedroom, rubbing his eyes, just awoke from a nap) “I can’t make it to my interview tonight.”

Me: (eyes rolling, not having it) “You have to; the radio station is counting on you.”

Burlacher:  (drops to the floor, looking pathetic) “But I just don’t have the strength; I don’t feel I will do my best. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch from home tonight.”

Me: “Quit being a baby! You are a celebrity now, you can’t just miss interviews and scheduled appearances, you will disappoint millions (possibly an exaggeration) of people.”

Burlacher: “I know but…”

Me: “NO but! You’re going. You’ll do the pregame radio show, take pictures with your fans during the first half, and we will come home to watch the second half.”

Burlacher: (still on the ground, now rolled himself into the fetal position) “Fine. But I’m only agreeing because I don’t have the energy to fight with you right now.”

Scene: Sports Bar – Bears v. Lions Pregame Sports Radio Show in Progress, show host coming out of commercial…..

Host: “And we’re back with THE Burlacher… Welcome Burlacher, we know you’re very busy and we’re grateful to have you. First I’d like to ask, what is your prediction for this Monday night match up?”

Burlacher: “Thank you for having me.  I’ll start by saying confidently, our defense is prepared. I studied game film earlier this week with Mr. Briggs and my uncle Brian – we know how they scored on us last time and we just simply won’t let it happen again.  And naturally we can assume we’ll see good things from Charles tonight.”

Host: “Wow, that’s bold… the Lions have a fairly talented offense, are you predicting a shut out?”

Burlacher: (head shaking and gesturing – forgets this isn’t tv) “I am.”

Host: “Alright we’ll all be excited to see… what are your thoughts on the Bears offense tonight?”

Burlacher: “I’m glad you asked that because I’m a little worried about this Suh fellow… he’s had it out for Cutler for years now. He was fined $15,000 for unnecessary roughness when tackling Cutler a few years ago and I fear he’ll be out for him again. I do feel we’ll pull this one out though.”

Dan: “Suh is intense… Cutler should probably be worried, but it sounds like you predict the win and the shut out… but before I let you go, there is one question our listeners are dying to know… is Brian Urlacher really your Uncle?”

Burlacher: “I will not answer personal questions, this is about the game.”

Host: “But I think you even mentioned that earlier when…?”

Burlacher: (cuts him off) “I don’t recall exactly but I don’t feel comfortable discussing who may or who or may not be of relation to me in a public forum.”

Host: “Alright folks, Burlacher’s connection to Brian Urlacher remains a mystery but he did give us some great pregame insight and prediction of a Bears victory… so Burlacher, thank you for joining us!”

Burlacher: “My pleasure.”

Burlacher removes his headphones and takes his seat at the bar – Game time.

Bartender: “Burlacher, what are you drinkin’ tonight?”

Burlacher: “Water, not feeling the best.”

Bears opening drive = easy touchdown, Cutler to Brandon and Burlacher rolls to his knees and finally rises for his victory lap. We knew it would be a bit slower in his weakened state but we didn’t anticipate how short - he rounds the first corner of the bar and stops dead in his tracks. When I don’t see him round the bend, I quickly jump up in fear thinking perhaps he has collapsed - to find him standing in salute to a member of our military.  Burlacher, in awe and very curious, spends the second quarter partially watching the game with the decorated Navy Reserve and partially pummeling him with questions about his service, until finally I pull him away…

Me: “Burlacher, really, we have to leave – you’re not 100% and we need stop for tea for your throat and get you home on the couch.”

Burlacher: (fighting me) “I’m fine now! Have you met me new friend?”

Me: “Yes, and I’ve heard all your questions and we need to let the good man watch the game in peace now.”

Burlacher: (looking back and forth between me and his friend) “Oh, have I been bothering him? (looking just at me now after the man was smart enough not to answer) Fine, I will leave with you because I know next comes (now imitating my voice) you threatening to leave me here to walk home (back to his voice) and I just don’t want to hear it…”

Burlacher watches the third and fourth quarters from the couch, snuggled in a blanket, drinking chamomile tea as his Bears defense dominates - making big save (Charles Tillman) after big save (Brian Urlacher) in an effort to keep the predicted shut out when finally the Lions sneak in a TD.  I look at Burlacher as he is cuddled, facing the couch, almost asleep, no longer watching but still listening….

Me: “Burlacher, did you hear what happened?”

Burlacher: (mumbles) “I didn’t see it so it didn’t happen.”

Next Day – early morning

Burlacher: (seemingly refreshed and feeling much better, enters the kitchen for his morning coffee) “I am just in the best mood after that shut out last night. I predicted it and it came true! May I have some coffee.”

He enters the living room and turns on Sports Center (post game ritual), sips his coffee as the Bears highlights come on… spits out his coffee as they show the Lions touchdown in the last 30 seconds… “LIARS!”

Me: “Burlacher, highlights don’t lie.”

BEARS WEEK 5 -- BURLACHER VISITS SOLDIER FIELD; COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS BEWARE

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)
 

Background – Due to many scheduled appearances, Burlacher’s vacation days are limited so he often has to book trips long in advance.  Thus, his Chicago trip to Solider Field was planned prior to the schedule coming out for the season in hopes it would be a home game weekend, but alas, Burlacher was denied. But recovered well.

SCENE:  Saturday, Chicago, Downtown Hotel (not safe to reveal his exact location while in Chicago for obvious reasons)

Burlacher:  (shaking me awake) “Morning!! (very excited) Time to get up!” (already dressed in his uniform, ready for his trip to Soldier Field)

Me: “Okay, can we stop for breakfast?”

Burlacher:  “No.”

Me: “Coffee?”

Burlacher: “No. But we need to go to Barney’s; I didn’t pack a suit for that event tonight.  I’ve mapped out our day and it’s across the street, best to get it out of the way now.”

The event is actually a casual BBQ with close friends, but I know Burlacher likes to look his best so I don’t argue and we walk to Barney’s. The staff greets him by name and he’s lead directly to men’s suits (it’s clear they knew he was coming)… The staff becomes visibly nervous and deeply apologetic when there’s nothing in his size. Burlacher, now demanding coffee and pastries for his trouble, takes the extra time to be fitted for a custom suit we’ll be picking up later and we are finally on our way.

SCENE: Solider Field (Notre Dame v. Miami starts in a few hours, fans gathering….)

Burlacher: (hops out of the cab, was extremely excited - now noticeably overwhelmed manages to eek out as he looks around…) “WOW…. So this is where Uncle Brian and Charles play…its so big…”  (*Note –Burlacher has no relation to Brian Urlacher but he tells people that so often he’s started to believe it himself…)

Burlacher pulls himself together and notices one of the monuments on his map he’s wanted to see… he races over and jumps in front of a man holding his child, demanding his picture to be taken like it’s a scavenger hunt.

Me: “Burlacher, you’re in that family’s picture! Move aside and wait your turn.”

Burlacher: (disregarding my point and now looking at the family) “Scuz me (annoyed), I can’t help but notice you’re in Notre Dame uniforms. Do you know where you are? This is where my Uncle Brian plays, and I’ve traveled a long way to be here and you’re in my picture. Please leave now.”

Family looks at him, a bit appalled but have no rebuttal as he’s simply pointed out the facts - they gather their belongings and quickly back away. Just then two little kids come running up in Miami uniforms…

Burlacher: “No! No! NO! What is wrong with you people!?  Everyone clear out! Where are the parents of these kids? Sir! Get your kids under control… (parents come running in, frantically grabbing their kids while a half circle forms around the monument and Burlacher proceeds with his photo shoot – various poses: sitting, standing, serious, smiling, hand on his hip, profile shot, now touching the monument, etc)

Me: “Alright Burlacher, I think we’re done here(?).”

Burlacher: “Just one more shot! (smiles one more time) Okay, did we get some good ones?  Which one will Uncle Brian want for his mantel? Let me see them.” Burlacher refusing to leave his post, waves me over for photo review (Miami and ND fans don’t move, waiting more out of fear than patience). Burlacher determines he needs one more angle. (Crowd groans and Burlacher shoots them a look – everyone shuts up in unison).

Finally we’re done and Burlacher saunters to the main entry corridor like he owns the place and remains there, statuesque and awe-stricken for a few moments; then turns to me for what I thought was going to be a profound statement about the awesomeness of the stadium or the random college fans that were racing by not appreciating their surroundings… but he utters only three words with a shaky voice: “It’s cold here.”  Shivering just a little now but trying to be tough (didn’t pack a coat either), he walks to the cab line.

SCENE: Sunday, Game Day, Chicago Bar

Burlacher enters the bar with his Chicago entourage. Heads turn as we walk through and claim our spot... it takes only moments for fans to start timidly approaching for picture requests.  Burlacher, wanting to be focused on pre game strategy, also realizes what a big deal it is for anyone who is not him to meet him and graciously honors the requests of our table neighbors, promo girls, etc…

The game begins and the Bears, expected to win this one easily, are off to slow start.  Now late in the second quarter, still a 3-3 tie I remind Burlacher, “We have to leave at halftime for the airport.”

Burlacher: “No. I won’t go. Change our flight. Or just take my bag (his new suit). I will catch the next flight.”

Me: “I can’t, we already tried. This is the latest flight we could get today. You’re leaving with me.”

I start my round of goodbyes as Burlacher acts oblivious to the fact we are making an exit. A few minutes into halftime, our driver pulls up and I take my bag to the car… I get in and sit for few minutes, knowing Burlacher will cave…. Sure enough, at the last second Burlacher comes sprinting to the car, jumps in, out of breath panting “Turn on the game! Third Quarter just started!” He stares at me disgusted; as if I should be grateful he made the decision to join me. We sit silence, listening to the game as we head to the airport.

We arrive; Jacksonville has the ball so I get out, pay the driver, grab the bags and head for our terminal… half way there I realize Burlacher is still in the car, I turn around to see him thrust between the two front seats, fits pumping, screaming at the radio: “Go Charles! Go Charles! Go Charles… (throws his hand in the air) TOUCHDOWN!!!”  Burlacher jumps out, leaping across the hoods of multiple cars until he reaches me on the sidewalk, “Charles got an interception! And a touchdown!”

Me: “I gathered…. That’s great! (sharing his excitement but trying to keep us focused) We have to go.”

Boarding passes in hand, we shoot off to security. The TSA officer screening ID’s stops Burlacher with a quizzical look but not able to form the words… Burlacher clears things up, “I know, I was younger then” ...and quickly snatches back his ID and boarding pass before she can respond, then talks his way to the front of the metal detector line, “So sorry, we’re in a hurry, our plane is about to leave…” (total lie, he just wants to see the game).

We arrive at our gate, settle in and watch proudly as the Bears finish out the game in real time in the manner that had been expected all week.  We board our plane.  Burlacher finds our row; we’re assigned the aisle but hops across the person in the middle to the open window seat, stands on the seat and peers out the window.  Eventually a very large man (looks a lot like Brandon Marshall, but not a football fan) claims his window seat. Not phased, Burlacher says, “Oh hi…” now really looking at the man, “Oh my…  (turning on the charm) Are you related to Brandon?!”

The Man, “Who?”

Burlacher:  “Never mind but that was a compliment, anyway, do you care if I sit on your tray table and look out the window? It’s a long flight and I get a bit claustrophobic.” 

The man agrees and Burlacher proceeds to sit on his table for the 3 ½ hr flight recounting the entire weekend play by play…. Finally we land and Burlacher, now legs swinging over the edge – still staring directly at the man, sums it up with, “…But do you know my favorite part of the whole weekend was? (doesn’t stop for the man to answer, can’t lose his train of thought) … when those Packmen missed their field goal against the Colts and we’re still leading the NFC North!”

Me: (Overhearing this I whisper) “Burlacher, I think we’re actually still tied with the Vikings.”

Burlacher: (not breaking eye contact with the man) “Pay no attention to her; she likes to ruin my stories.”
 
 

BEARS WEEK 4 -- BURLACHER WINS!!! (and so do the Bears)

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

Scene - Sports Bar

Slow first quarter… Burlacher makes the rounds taking pictures with Bears fans and finally sits down just before the second quarter. We’re approached by an AM Sports Radio Producer…

Producer:  (addresses our table) “We’re running contest during the game, before each quarter we’ll pick nine names and you get choose what you think the first offensive play of the quarter will be, ie: short pass to the left, long run up the middle, etc…. do you want to play?”

Burlacher: “Yes I do, what will I win?”

Producer: “A $25 Gift Card to the bar.”

Burlacher: “Yes. I’d like to focus on the game now but please enter me… its ‘Burr-lack-er’. No last name. Thank you.”

The producer clearly intrigued, refrains from asking questions, submits our entries in his box and everyone’s attention is back on the game... just in time for Tony Romo to throw the ball directly to…

Burlacher: “CHARLES!!!!!  Interception!!!  Touchdown!!!”

Burlacher shoots out of our booth on his victory lap, straight through the legs of our new producer friend but pays no attention… people are trying to high five him but now he’s sprinting, arms pumping, head down, focused only on completing his victory lap in time to watch the replay (it’s no secret cornerback Charles Tillman is his favorite).  Now back in the booth, peacefully opens the menu to contemplate dinner options (he can eat now that we’re winning) and the Producer approaches again…

Producer:  (to Burlacher) “With all the commotion you didn’t hear me announce your name… You’ve been drawn as one of the nine to guess the opening play of the second half.”

Burlacher – Hops out of the booth and struts to the board as if this was expected.  He chooses “long pass to the right” and returns to his seat as we watch the teams line up to start the second half.

(Second Half Begins)

Bears start on offense, Cutler takes the snap, pulls back, throws…. Long pass to the right! Completion to Alshon Jeffery . Seconds later from the loud speaker….

Producer: “And the Winner is BURLACHER!!!” (we don’t hear it) “Again, BURLACHER… no last name!!!” (This time we do)

Burlacher:  Now visibly shocked and excited like a 6yr old that just won the Cake Walk at their elementary school carnival… “I WON!  I REALLY WON!!” Fumbles to get out of the booth and scampers to claim his prize… but slows, now very cool and with a bit of swagger he works his congratulatory rope line that formed on his path…. Claiming his prize takes long enough for Cutler to throw another completion to Alshon Jeffery, then another to Brandon Marshall, and then to Devin Hester for the TOUCHDOWN!!! 

Burlacher hears the cheering behind him and knows exactly what that means; he grabs his prize (no time for a ‘thank you’, he owes no one) and runs back to the booth screaming:   “YAYAYA!!  TD #2 in Cowboy’s stadium AND I won the contest! It’s a miracle!!  Lovie is even clapping!! What’s going on!?! Is the world coming to an end!?!  My heart can’t take this much excitement. I’m feeling weak.”

Me: “Burlacher!  Are you okay?” (grab him, hoist him back up into the booth)

Burlacher: “I’m fine. I was kidding. I just didn’t want to jump that high.”

Burlacher settles back in, sips his Stella grinning with pride just in time to spit his beer across the table in shock as Timmy Jennings tips Romo’s pass intended for Ogletree to Major Right for the interception.

Burlacher: (looking at everyone at the table) “Did you see how Timmy broke that up!?! He is the MAN!”

Our tablemates obviously missed it as they were dodging Burlacher spitting beer at them but knowing better than to cause an issue, they agreed and moved on. Soon after we regain possession in this dramatic fashion, we lose it to a fumble and Dallas returns to offense.  What they forgot was Lance Briggs is also a receiver… he picks it off like the Cowboys route was made for him and heads for the end zone.  Now Burlacher, who dislikes baseball immensely, got a bit confused….

Burlacher: “Good Job Lance B! GO BIG GUY!  HURRY BUDDY!!  Okay, that’s enough from him, send in our pinch runner.  Lovie! Get Matthew in there!  Oh dear… there’s no time, is he gonna make it?! They’re closing on him… oh no… TOUCHDOWN!!!  Oh Thank God.” (Burlacher collapses to the booth. exhausted. was touch and go)

As the game comes to an end… Burlacher explains to our tablemates:  “I think the camera guys are Cowboys fans…”

Tablemates: “Why do you say that?”

Burlacher: “Because when their team starts to suck, they resort to the QB we traded years ago and all their fans leave the stadium… they create a diversion for the viewers by turning the cameras straight to those fancy cheerleaders….”

*Note – Burlacher has no comment on the replacement refs*

NFL SPECIAL -- INSIDER DETAILS ON THE DEAL; WHAT IT TOOK TO GET THE OFFICIALS BACK ON THE FIELD

Waiting for Godot, I mean Goodell

(by Burke)

Sometime late Monday night, right around ESPN’s 1,000^th replay of the Golden Tate ‘catch’, Scott Green (head of the NFL referees union) finally received a phone call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Green: Hello?

Goodell: Scott, hey buddy, it’s Roger. I’m glad I finally got through to you. Man, I’ve been trying for three weeks now.

Green: Wow, that’s weird. You’re the only one who has this number. The phone hasn’t rung in months.

Goodell: Really… um…stupid cell phone service, am I right? Man, those things never work.

Green: This is a landline.

Goodell: Anyways, I wanted to let you know I finally got the owners to accept your last contract offer.

Green: Why am I not shocked.

Goodell: Let me tell you I had to do some serious arm twisting. But you know I’ve been 100% behind you guys this whole time.

Green:  Last time we talked you called me an “imbecilic, communist son of a bitch.”

Goodell: You know a lot of people don’t get my sense of humor…it’s a very dry wit.

Green: Whatever. Look, we have a few additional demands since our last offer.

Goodell: Whoa, I don’t know if I can get these owners to give any more.

Green: That’s fine. But you might want to send some extra security with the replacement referees when they get to Green Bay this weekend.

Goodell: Scott, can I put you on hold for one minute? Thanks.

Ed Hochuli - NFL savior/strength coach

Goodell:  (presses HOLD, screams at the framed picture of Ed Hochuli on his desk) Goddamned division three mother fucking stupid fucking replacement fucks!!

Goodell: (back on the line) Sorry about that, Scott, had to clear my throat. What are your new contract conditions?

Green: We have a few. First, when our referees travel from the hotel to the stadiums they must travel by horse drawn carriage. All the horses must be former Kentucky Derby winners. Second, any player or coach who addresses a referee during the games must address them as ‘my Liege.’

Goodell: I’m definitely getting fired.

Green: Hold on, a couple more demands coming in.

Goodell: Take your time. I’m gonna pour myself a hemlock and soda.

Green: By tomorrow morning all of our referees will need to have an iPhone 22.

Goodell: A what?

Green: That is, apparently, an iPhone from the year 2037. Not sure how we know that. Anyways, you probably know a guy.

Goodell: You imbecilic, communist bast --

Green: (interrupting) Also Ed Hochuli will be leading a push-up contest before each game he works. Both teams will have to select one player who can out push-up Hochuli or forfeit the game.

Goodell: That’s ridiculous….no one can do more push-ups than Hochuli!

Green: Couple last things here… we need one pirate ship, a wild cheetah cub, and 5 submersible bio-domes…not sure what those are exactly. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Goodell: Goddamn Golden fucking Tate.

Green: Great doing business with you, Commissioner. We’ll see you Sunday.