NFL SPECIAL -- INSIDER DETAILS ON THE DEAL; WHAT IT TOOK TO GET THE OFFICIALS BACK ON THE FIELD

Waiting for Godot, I mean Goodell

(by Burke)

Sometime late Monday night, right around ESPN’s 1,000^th replay of the Golden Tate ‘catch’, Scott Green (head of the NFL referees union) finally received a phone call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Green: Hello?

Goodell: Scott, hey buddy, it’s Roger. I’m glad I finally got through to you. Man, I’ve been trying for three weeks now.

Green: Wow, that’s weird. You’re the only one who has this number. The phone hasn’t rung in months.

Goodell: Really… um…stupid cell phone service, am I right? Man, those things never work.

Green: This is a landline.

Goodell: Anyways, I wanted to let you know I finally got the owners to accept your last contract offer.

Green: Why am I not shocked.

Goodell: Let me tell you I had to do some serious arm twisting. But you know I’ve been 100% behind you guys this whole time.

Green:  Last time we talked you called me an “imbecilic, communist son of a bitch.”

Goodell: You know a lot of people don’t get my sense of humor…it’s a very dry wit.

Green: Whatever. Look, we have a few additional demands since our last offer.

Goodell: Whoa, I don’t know if I can get these owners to give any more.

Green: That’s fine. But you might want to send some extra security with the replacement referees when they get to Green Bay this weekend.

Goodell: Scott, can I put you on hold for one minute? Thanks.

Ed Hochuli - NFL savior/strength coach

Goodell:  (presses HOLD, screams at the framed picture of Ed Hochuli on his desk) Goddamned division three mother fucking stupid fucking replacement fucks!!

Goodell: (back on the line) Sorry about that, Scott, had to clear my throat. What are your new contract conditions?

Green: We have a few. First, when our referees travel from the hotel to the stadiums they must travel by horse drawn carriage. All the horses must be former Kentucky Derby winners. Second, any player or coach who addresses a referee during the games must address them as ‘my Liege.’

Goodell: I’m definitely getting fired.

Green: Hold on, a couple more demands coming in.

Goodell: Take your time. I’m gonna pour myself a hemlock and soda.

Green: By tomorrow morning all of our referees will need to have an iPhone 22.

Goodell: A what?

Green: That is, apparently, an iPhone from the year 2037. Not sure how we know that. Anyways, you probably know a guy.

Goodell: You imbecilic, communist bast --

Green: (interrupting) Also Ed Hochuli will be leading a push-up contest before each game he works. Both teams will have to select one player who can out push-up Hochuli or forfeit the game.

Goodell: That’s ridiculous….no one can do more push-ups than Hochuli!

Green: Couple last things here… we need one pirate ship, a wild cheetah cub, and 5 submersible bio-domes…not sure what those are exactly. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Goodell: Goddamn Golden fucking Tate.

Green: Great doing business with you, Commissioner. We’ll see you Sunday.