Background – Burlacher has been sick the past few days and was thankful the
Bears didn’t play until Monday so he could recoup over the weekend, but he’s is
still not up to par - yet not nearly as sick as he thinks he is.
Burlacher: (shuffles from his bedroom, rubbing his eyes, just awoke from
a nap) “I can’t make it to my interview tonight.”
Me: (eyes rolling, not having it) “You have to; the radio station is
counting on you.”
Burlacher: (drops to the
floor, looking pathetic) “But I just don’t have the strength; I don’t feel I
will do my best. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch from home tonight.”
Me: “Quit being a baby! You are a celebrity now, you can’t just miss
interviews and scheduled appearances, you will disappoint millions (possibly an
exaggeration) of people.”
Burlacher: “I know but…”
Me: “NO but! You’re going. You’ll do the pregame radio show, take
pictures with your fans during the first half, and we will come home to watch
the second half.”
Burlacher: (still on the ground, now rolled himself into the fetal
position) “Fine. But I’m only agreeing because I don’t have the energy to fight
with you right now.”
Scene: Sports Bar – Bears v. Lions Pregame Sports Radio Show in Progress,
show host coming out of commercial…..
Host: “And we’re back with THE Burlacher… Welcome Burlacher, we know you’re
very busy and we’re grateful to have you. First I’d like to ask, what is your
prediction for this Monday night match up?”
Burlacher: “Thank you for having me. I’ll start by saying confidently, our defense is prepared. I
studied game film earlier this week with Mr. Briggs and my uncle Brian – we
know how they scored on us last time and we just simply won’t let it happen
again. And naturally we can assume
we’ll see good things from Charles tonight.”
Host: “Wow, that’s bold… the Lions have a fairly talented offense, are
you predicting a shut out?”
Burlacher: (head shaking and gesturing – forgets this isn’t tv) “I am.”
Host: “Alright we’ll all be excited to see… what are your thoughts on the
Bears offense tonight?”
Burlacher: “I’m glad you asked that because I’m a little worried about
this Suh fellow… he’s had it out for Cutler for years now. He was fined $15,000
for unnecessary roughness when tackling Cutler a few years ago and I fear he’ll
be out for him again. I do feel we’ll pull this one out though.”
Dan: “Suh is intense… Cutler should probably be worried, but it sounds
like you predict the win and the shut out… but before I let you go, there is
one question our listeners are dying to know… is Brian Urlacher really your
Uncle?”
Burlacher: “I will not answer personal questions, this is about the game.”
Host: “But I think you even mentioned that earlier when…?”
Burlacher: (cuts him off) “I don’t recall exactly but I don’t feel comfortable
discussing who may or who or may not be of relation to me in a public forum.”
Host: “Alright folks, Burlacher’s connection to Brian Urlacher remains a
mystery but he did give us some great pregame insight and prediction of a Bears
victory… so Burlacher, thank you for joining us!”
Burlacher: “My pleasure.”
Burlacher removes his headphones and takes his seat at the bar – Game
time.
Bartender: “Burlacher, what are you drinkin’ tonight?”
Burlacher: “Water, not feeling the best.”
Bears opening drive = easy touchdown, Cutler to Brandon and Burlacher
rolls to his knees and finally rises for his victory lap. We knew it would be a
bit slower in his weakened state but we didn’t anticipate how short - he rounds
the first corner of the bar and stops dead in his tracks. When I don’t see him
round the bend, I quickly jump up in fear thinking perhaps he has collapsed - to
find him standing in salute to a member of our military. Burlacher, in awe and very curious,
spends the second quarter partially watching the game with the decorated Navy
Reserve and partially pummeling him with questions about his service, until
finally I pull him away…
Me: “Burlacher, really, we have to leave – you’re not 100% and we need
stop for tea for your throat and get you home on the couch.”
Burlacher: (fighting me) “I’m fine now! Have you met me new friend?”
Me: “Yes, and I’ve heard all your questions and we need to let the good
man watch the game in peace now.”
Burlacher: (looking back and forth between me and his friend) “Oh, have
I been bothering him? (looking just at me now after the man was smart enough
not to answer) Fine, I will leave with you because I know next comes (now
imitating my voice) you threatening to leave me here to walk home (back to his
voice) and I just don’t want to hear it…”
Burlacher watches the third and fourth quarters from the couch, snuggled
in a blanket, drinking chamomile tea as his Bears defense dominates - making
big save (Charles Tillman) after big save (Brian Urlacher) in an effort to keep
the predicted shut out when finally the Lions sneak in a TD. I look at Burlacher as he is cuddled,
facing the couch, almost asleep, no longer watching but still listening….
Me: “Burlacher, did you hear what happened?”
Burlacher: (mumbles) “I didn’t see it so it didn’t happen.”
Next Day – early morning
Burlacher: (seemingly refreshed and feeling much better, enters the
kitchen for his morning coffee) “I am just in the best mood after that shut out
last night. I predicted it and it came true! May I have some coffee.”
He enters the living room and turns on Sports Center (post game ritual),
sips his coffee as the Bears highlights come on… spits out his coffee as they
show the Lions touchdown in the last 30 seconds… “LIARS!”
Me: “Burlacher, highlights don’t lie.”
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