THE STATE OF IOWA FOOTBALL, METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING ...

As a born-and-raised Iowa Hawkeye fan, I am constantly asked about the state of the football program and what it's like to follow a team that is thoroughly unpredictable and has to be one of the most frustrating on the planet. 

I've answered these questions several different ways over the years.  Depending on my state of inebriation, and anger, I'll sometimes say, very cordially, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."  Other times, I'll say, quite respectfully, "would you kindly remove yourself from my sight, lest I reconfigure the contours of your face with this pint glass that I have just broken on the table and which used to contain a golden liquid made of hops and barley that I frequently use to deaden the pain of my fandom, thank you."

Trolling the world wide interwebs for simpler, classier, more humane and constructive ways of responding to these questions, I came across this video.  It sums up the current state of Iowa football better than I ever could:

FALL TV -- WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS YEAR'S BAD SHOWS BETTER? ANSWERS BELOW!!!

(by Lyko)

The New Fall Line-Up, 2^nd Down.

For a split second, I must admit, I was excited about the plot of Go On.  Most of this was because I briefly confused Matthew Perry and Matt Leblanc, but it was also because Perry’s character is a sports talk show host.  Sports make everything better.  Even awful things are made better when sports are added.  Vegetarian foods, Tuesdays, people from Eastern Washington.  All are improved when sports are added.  Luckily, I am not alone in this thinking.  After seeing Go On, major television shows are taking notice and have hit the re-write war room.  Here are some of the new Fall shows, after a little training camp.

Major Crimes (TNT):

Years after his travails and triumphs as a Mountaineer, college football HOFer Major Harris has made junior detective in the rough and tumble homicide division of Charleston, WV.  There he is partnered with Major Harris, the mid seventies Phili R&B sensation most well known for his chart topper, Love Won’t Let Me Wait.  He is surly, beaten down by life, but he has a heart of gold – double platinum, actually.  There are a lot of moronic efforts at comedy when the two detectives have to introduce themselves, a lot of “good majoring/bad majoring” of suspects, and R&B Major often makes digs at his younger partner about QB Major losing the Heisman to Andre Ware and Anthony Thompson in 1989.

The Last Resort (NBC):

Instead of being about a nuclear sub, this show is about 4 Cubs fans that EAT subs.  And drink.  And watch sports.  In the dog days of August, with the Olympics over and their dismal baseball team having played themselves out of contention they are trying anything to make it to the start of the Bears season.  Fantasy Television drafts, re-watching The Newsroom, devising new facial hair styles for Jay Cutler… finally, when hope is nearly lost they fall back on their “Last Resort”: trying to get into the MLS by cheering for the Chicago Fire.

Chicago Fire (NBC):

This follows key players on the Chicago Fire playing inspired Soccer in the month of August because their fan base seems to have suddenly doubled.

Vegas (CBS):

Meet the cast of the longest running show at the Soiree Casino and Resort, “The Las Vegas Playas”.  The all male review is made up former athletes who looking back have us scratching our heads at how the f?#k they won MVP awards. Starring, Brian Sipe, Terry Pendleton, Willie Hernandez & Kevin Mitchell.  The show will focus on all these LVPs crazy exploits on the strip, but after a while they seem less and less crazy and any craziness that might appear to be there is really just because said exploits are happening against an incredibly mundane backdrop.  The pilot will be entitled: “The Full Monty Kiffin.”

Cromartie: 12 kids. 8 Women. 1 Guy

Guys With Kids (FOX):

Actually just one guy: Antonio Cromartie.

Elementary (CBS):

In the classic vein of Schools Match Wits, NFL rookie quarterbacks are asked questions from junior high school mid term tests and junior high school kids are asked to learn the dumbed downed versions of NFL offences handed to rookie starters.  While Hanover, MA resident Henry McGuillicutty, a 13 year old, self proclaimed puss-hound who loves to “get his Gronk on” successfully achieves a 92% QBR with the Falcons offense, Ryan Tannenhill does not fare so well.  He answers that a parallelogram is a medical test for Parkinson’s disease and that the “golden rule” is to not let Lauren catch him peeing in the shower. He also seems to think that Guam is the 53^rd U.S. State and that they are currently 1-0 in the NFC North.  Jon Gruden hosts and the “Fun Bunch” is the house band.

Zero Hour (NBC):

This is the gripping, fast-paced thriller that begins in Pasadena heat with the presentation of the Rose Bowl Trophy and follows the terror filled journey of Matt Barkley until the moment, just after 5pm in Rock Center on Thursday April 25^th when he and his career are kidnapped for four years (with a fifth year option) and forced to play football in Jacksonville for about a quarter of what Sam Bradford makes. 

Save Me (NBC):

It’s actually exactly the same plot as Zero Hour it just takes place one year in the future, stars Tennessee QB Tyler Bray and is set in Cleveland.

The Neighbors (ABC):

Basically Hard Knocks meets Portlandia, as Jay Z, Rod Thorn,  and company move to their home across the bridge.  Nestled between the hipster havens on Williamsburg and Park Slope, the boys find it hard to adjust to this new world of gluten-free food and fixed gear bicycles.  The culture shock threatens to tear the team apart.  Gerald Wallace suffers a wrist injury while trying to learn to play Inuit spirituals on his refurbished xylophone.  Deron Williams wants skinny jeans and fitted hoodies to the team’s warm up outfits and Brook Lopez refuses to watch game film unless it is shot on grainy, analog, handheld 8mm film.  Will the team make it to the start of the regular season?  Do they have a chance to win even 20 games?  Will Derrick Coleman’s new urban gardening terrarium shop make it? 

And don’t worry kids, Grimm, the show where Russ Grimm eats pork rinds and watches Kenny Rogers in Six Pack on his couch and recites all the bad choices he made in his life, has been renewed for a second seaon.

THE CAMPAIGN COMBINE

(by Burke)

There are a lot of things to pay attention to during the fall months. Football, the World Series (Editor’s Note for Cubs fans: The World Series is where the two best teams in baseball play to determine the champion) a movie about Scientology, there’s a lot going on. Let me lighten your load and tell you one thing you don’t have to pay attention to, the Presidential campaign. Barack Obama has this campaign sewn up for the same reason Ronald Reagan had the 1984 election sewn up sometime in 1983.

Politics is like sports. Some politicians are great political athletes. Other politicians are journeymen political athletes. Since television became the medium through which the country decided political elections in 1960 the better political athlete has won every Presidential election.

Imagine that every day from May till November Tiger Woods played 18 holes of golf against the 30^th best player in the world, Jason Day. Are there going to be a few days where Day beats Tiger? Sure. But at the end of those six months Tiger is going to have won a lot more because he is the better golfer. A Presidential campaign is a six month, daily competition between two political athletes.

Tiger Woods                Jason Day

Politicians have their strategists -- think of them as swing coaches. The media tries to keep things interesting for as long as possible -- think of them as the announcers you’ve heard trying to instill drama in a game you know is long over. If you want to know who is going to win, block out that noise and size up the two men running. Which one is the better politician?

Mitt Romney was a hugely successful private equity guy. He gives a ton of money to charity. There are plenty of stories of his personal acts of kindness. He is a guy who has succeeded at everything he’s ever done. At some point he decided that he wanted to become President. So he has spent the last 20 years turning himself into something he isn’t:  a politician. Doggedness and money could win him some elections. But defeating Shannon O’Brien in the race for Massachusetts Governor is like the 30^th best golfer in the world beating the 300^th best golfer in the world. And beating Herman Cain and Michelle Bachman for the Republican nomination is like the 30^th best golfer defeating….well, it’s like defeating a bunch of drunks who wander onto the golf course with hockey sticks.

But in this race, just like against Ted Kennedy in 1994 and John McCain in 2008, Romney is running against an opponent who is a much better political athlete. That doesn’t make Romney a bad guy. But it will make him the loser come November 6^th.

BEARS WEEK 3 -- BURLACHER GOES TO THE BAR; NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

We always convince ourselves we don’t need Direct TV until that random Sunday comes that the cable and NFL networks don’t play the Bears game.  Even though you mentally prepare all week long that the bar is your only Sunday option, one can never, never prepare for getting wee Burlacher up and moving after a Saturday night that he went a bit too hard. 

I timidly enter his room and gently shake him, “Burlacher, our ride will be here in 5min, you have to get up.”

Burlacher not moving, grumbles “Coffee.”

Me: “No…. you have to get up now, we can’t miss kickoff”

Burlacher: “Who are you and why are you still talking…” (not really a question)

Me: “Fine, I’m leaving. Sorry you’ll miss the game.” (this always works)

Burlacher shoots out of bed (already dressed in his uniform – sleeps in it the night before when he knows he has to be up early), “Oh no!  Its bar Sunday!  (as if he is informing me) We have to leave now!” (runs to the door)

We arrive at the bar; Burlacher immediately spots the TV that shows the Bears game lining up for kickoff. He races past the host and jumps in a table with a perfect view but is already occupied. 

Me: “I’m so sorry (to the patrons at the table) he’s still very sleepy… (I grab Burlacher) Burlacher! There are seats at the bar, this is not our table.”

Burlacher: (eyes locked on the game) “No, these are my friends, we’re fine here.”

Though I don’t like to, sometimes I have to be forceful and this was one of those times… kicking and screaming we made our way to the bar.

Is that a virgin Mimosa?

Bulacher: (Finally settled, flags down the bartender) “Mimosa please.”

I cut the bartender off at the pass (he clearly knew Burlacher was under age) and whispered, “Just keep giving him orange juice, he won’t know the difference and for everyone’s safety, please make sure his glass is always full.”

Just then Robbie Gould kicks our first field goal from midfield – Burlacher throws his hands up in celebration of our 3 point lead, high-fiving our neighbors (they weren’t Bears fans but they kindly played along).  

As expected, our defense forces the punt on the Rams kickoff drive and special teams one man show Devin Hester does his job, followed by three consecutive first downs by our boy Michael Bush and then… UH OH we can’t blame J’Marcus Webb for this one… Cutler throws an interception (was only a matter of time).  Thank god for the one (or 3) QB sacks by Israle Idonije forcing yard lossage (spell check says that’s not a word, I’m going with it anyway) and the defense kicking ass because Michael Bush is set up just before half to run it in for a TOUCHDOWN!!! 

Now, I admit, I was celebrating myself and lost focus for a second (any parent knows this feeling)… I turn around and Burlacher is victory lapping on the bar!  High-fiving everyone on his path as I’m screaming for him to get back in his seat…. He ignores me as he rounds the corner seeing a couple Bears jerseys he missed on his first lap and then, as if the Rams fan doesn’t feel bad enough, Burlacher nonchalantly kicks over his beer (like it was a reflex and he had no choice) and keeps running.  I was immediately thrust into damage control mode but the bar is cheering him on (last thing I needed).

Finally, he jumps on the napkin container and does his celebratory end of victory lap shimmy, and then he returns to his seat to spew forth his profound next statement, “So what do you think Lovie’s halftime speech will be…  (now doing his Lovie voice) ‘I’d like to see Israle Idonije (messes this one up horribly) and (recovers strong with) Michael Bush in my office to discuss them playing all positions, the rest of you can leave for the day’.”

Me: “No no.. a few others have done well today…”

Burlacher: “Fine, Robbie, Timmy (Tim Jennings) and Mr. Hester should play too, I should tell Lovie that’s how I feel before he does something drastic.”

And thank god we kept Timmy as he proved his worth in the second half by tipping Bradford’s pass which set up the INT for Major Wright that ended in a 45yrd run TD(!!!) and then proceeded to pick off one more with seconds left to seal our Bears Week 3 Victory at home. 

As we’re walking out….

Burlacher: “Oh, sorry for knocking over that Rams fan’s beer…. I don’t hold myself responsible though; I was clearly over served today.”

MOVIE TRAILER REVIEW #1 -- DREDD 3D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDGcTn1YDcs

In honor of DREDD 3D's release today, I'm starting a new feature here on the blog:  the movie trailer review. Okay, this this first one is going to be more of a rant than a review, but hopefully in the future these reviews help save you money.

Coincidentally for DREDD 3D, I was just saying to myself, “self, which obscure graphic novel from the late 70’s, that has already been made into a movie, needs to be RE-made?”  The resounding answer:  JUDGE DREDD.  Make no mistake, this NEEDED to be done.  I applaud the production companies for eschewing originality in favor of a movie based on a movie based a comic book where a super hero fights crime in a futuristic society while wearing a mask that covers all of his face except his mouth and who speaks in a low, gruff voice … I feel like I saw a movie like that recently, possibly even a trilogy of movies like that, but the titles escape me at the moment …

I had similar feelings and similar applause for the executives at Sony when they not only decided to remake the Sam Peckinpah cult classic, STRAW DOGS, but then made the truly inspiring choice of Rod Lurie to direct it.  Rod Lurie – he of the visionary films THE CONTENDER, THE LAST CASTLE, and RESURRECTING THE CHAMP.  Surprisingly, no one saw STRAW DOGS.  I was stunned … just like I was when very few people saw the remake of TOTAL RECALL.  Again, a movie that had to be made.  There was simply no way around it.

And while on this topic, I dug up an article that’s about a year and a half old but explains PERFECTLY how Hollywood works and why there are so many shitty remakes, reboots, prequels, sequels, and spin-offs.  Here it is:  http://www.cracked.com/article_19012_5-hollywood-secrets-that-explain-why-so-many-movies-suck.html

FTVCL -- CREATOR OF "MOB DOCTOR" REVEALS FUTURE OF FRANCHISE; UNFORTUNATE SPOILERS ALERT!

Praying the show ends quick.  Amen.

(by Burke)

Fall brings with it some of my favorite things; football, Halloween and Mitt Romney saying stupid things out loud. This fall also bring us the new series Mob Doctor. The bombardment of Mob Doctor promos shown during a long day of football left me no choice but to drink pretty heavily. This is either the interview I had with the creator of Mob Doctor (Let’s call him Ketel One and soda.) or a dream/nightmare I had later that night.

Me -- Ketel, thanks for giving us some time. Let’s jump right into your new show, Mob Doctor. What made you think a show about a doctor who killed people for the mob would be interesting?

Ketel -- Thanks, I’m glad you loved it.

Me -- Well, I haven’t seen it yet. But I have seen the commercials. They’re, um… 

Ketel -- Exactly! See she’s a doctor but she will have to kill people, you know, for the Mob. But since she’s a doctor that’s like the opposite of what she’s supposed to be doing.

Me -- I feel like killing people for the Mob is the opposite of what anyone should be doing… But the commercials have me rooting for everyone to kill each other as quickly as possible so maybe I shouldn’t judge.

Ketel -- Well, that’s why we’re planning on really exploring this ethical dilemma.

Me -- How so?

Ketel -- Spin offs!

Me -- No

Ketel Yes!

Me -- Oh, God no

Ketel -- Awesome, right!  We have three more shows in development; Mob UPS Man, Mob Weatherman and Mob Life Insurance Salesman.

Me -- Wow…just…wow.

Ketel -- I know! And you haven’t even heard the best part.

Me -- I’d argue I haven’t even heard the mediocre part.

Ketel -- The tag lines. I mean, they write themselves. Check these out -- Mob UPS Man: His next delivery is… death! Mob Weatherman: The forecast calls for…death!

Me -- Good God, please stop.

Ketel -- Mob Life Insurance Salesman: The only thing he can’t insure you against is…death!

Me -- Wait, so the guy whose job is selling life insurance can’t actually insure someone against death?

Ketel -- Fantastic, right?

Me -- Well, I’m definitely throwing away my television.

Ketel -- Great idea! Mob Television Salesman: The next thing he’ll sell you is…death!

Me -- We should probably just wrap this up. Thanks for your time…I think.

FTVCL - SEASON 2

You know what’s hard?  Trying to pick the biggest losers amongst the ridiculous TV shows that the five major networks vomit onto the American public every year.  I equate it to a fly buzzing around several piles of shit and trying to decide which one is the tastiest.  Or, in more human terms, think of it as a classic taste test:

Reps from the five networks – ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CW – stand behind a table with cups of mystery liquid in front of them.  One by one, they hand you the cups.  You sip the first one and your face twists in agony.  You choke, sputter, and gag.  Then you finally swallow the putrid substance and look up at your tormentors and say, like Kevin Bacon in the best role of his storied career, “thank you, sir(s), may I have another?”

That’s kind of what it’s like to do a Fantasy TV Cancellation Draft.  Our goal was to pick a roster of shows that we thought would fail the fastest.  This fall, there were 22 new entries foisted upon the citizenry.  We chose seven shows apiece in a typical “snake draft” used by most fantasy football leagues.  That left one show to go on the waiver wire.  In addition, the mid-season replacement shows that start airing in January will be added to the waiver wire and will be available to be swapped out for underperforming shows … i.e. shows that are actually be watched by you idiots out there and are more likely NOT to get canceled this year. 

Traditionally, several vodka/sodas are need to complete the draft.  This year was no exception.  We held a strategy session at our favorite Friday afternoon hangout -- The Misfit in Santa Monica where they serve Tito's Vodka with a splash of eventual regret.  Then, sufficiently prepared, it was time to draft.  So, without further ado, I present to you the FTVCL – Season 2 Draft, as conducted by Wimmer, Burke, and Lyko:

BURKE (first pick) 
1.     The Neighbors 
2.     Guys With Kids 
3.     Mob Doctor 
4.     Revolution 
5.     Vegas 
6.     666 Park Ave. 
7.     Beauty and the Beast

WIMMER (second pick) 
1.     Go On 
2.     Malibu Country 
3.     Chicago Fire 
4.     Partners 
5.     Elementary 
6.     Nashville 
7.     The Mindy Project

LYKO (third pick)
1.  Made in Jersey
2.  The New Normal
3.  Animal Practice
4.  Emily Owens, MD
5.  Ben and Kate
6.  The Last Resort
7.  Arrow

BEARS WEEK 2 -- SADNESS COMES EARLY THIS YEAR

(by Cupcake and Burlacher)

The Scene: Burlacher’s condo – Wednesday night before game day, 8PM (past his bedtime)

Me: “Burlacher, what are you doing up so late?”

Burlacher: (Glances up at me annoyingly and immediately back down scowling) “Pacing. Clearly.”

Me: “Why? You should be in bed”

Burlacher: (Looks back up in disgust) “How exactly do you expect me to sleep when Charles is injured?  I’ve been reviewing our defensive line, we need him against these Packmen.”

Me: “You mean Packers.”

Burlacher: “Whatever. What is a Packer anyway? At least we have a real mascot… I’ve never seen a Bear in person but I hear they’re intimidating and sometimes scary… that’s a good mascot I’d say.” 

Me: “Burlacher, you are Bear”

Burlacher: (rolls eyes like I’m crazy) “This is no time for jokes… my point is, Charles rounds out our defense and we just played on Sunday so we’re tired.”

Me: (letting the Bear issue slide, its best when he’s like this…) “The Packers also played on Sunday.”

Burlacher: “What? Why are you taking their side? ”

Me: “I’m not, just stating the facts.”

Burlacher: “Nobody cares about the facts, we need to win. (storms off as usual…) Done with you.”

This is fairly typical of Burlacher so I try not to take it personally… he cannot be faulted for his passion.

The Scene: GAME DAY - Burlacher’s Condo…. 45 minutes before kickoff…

Burlacher: Racing into the living room panicked, “Do we get the Network?!!”

Me: “Yes Burlacher, we’re watching the game here, pregame is on. And we have company coming over.”

Burlacher:  Jumping into is seat in front of the TV, “Thank god. Are they bringing food?  Have we heard of Charles is playing?”

(Doorbell – our guests arrive with a bang… decked out in Bears gear from head to toe. Burlacher, entranced in pregame commentary, greets no one.)

Burlacher: “SSSSHHhhhhhh!!  Listen friends of Cupcake, I appreciate the food, but my house, my rules. No side conversations, it’s almost kickoff.”

Guests:  Intimidated that someone so wee (small) could be so intense simply say, “We understand Burlacher.”

Burlacher:  Refocused, throws his hands in the air as our defense takes the field… “CHARLES!!!! Charles is playing. We are saved!”

Having seen all of pregame, I already knew that but obviously acted shocked and excited since he hadn’t let me answer his question moments earlier. Unfortunately, that was the end of the excitement for awhile but we were shocked again almost immediately when the Bears were called for having too many players on the field…

Burlacher: (Screaming at the Refs) “IT WAS ONE FOOT!  But seriously! We didn’t even have an entire player on the field… these Packmen are cheaters!  (grumbles) Exactly what I expected in Lambeau…this is gonna be a long night.”

It got worse from there… 2 minutes before half the Packers fake a field goal and run it in for touchdown.

Though depressed, Burlacher agrees he should partake in feeding time during the half to keep up his strength.   To his credit, he tried to be civil by asking our guests simple questions about their lives… and even though he never waited for their answers and would immediately cut them off with his rants about what should be said during the halftime locker room pep talk as if he were Lovie, it was the thought that counted….

Coming out of half, our offense (Matt Forte) gives us hope, inching down the field and then Cutler throws long…

Burlacher: “Brandon! He’s in the end zone! He’s got it….. NOOOOOOO! Brandon, for the love of god we pay you catch those.”

Me:  Not able to let that slide…. “Technically Burlacher, you don’t pay him, you are a fan.”

Burlacher:  Never breaking eye contact with the TV, “Please, Cupcake, nothing further from you.”

(Recognizing my obvious timing error, I return to silence, as did our guests, still scared to blink really)

Tragically, the wind nearly left our sails completely when our Running Back/Receiver/Really also needs to play Center since we can’t seem to communicate with our Quarter Back - Matt Forte, goes out for the game…. BUT then a huge pass too…

Burlacher:  “EARL B! (Burlacher likes names with two syllables so occasionally he improvises)… COME BACK EARL!... What in the H (doesn’t like to cuss) is he doing?!  Unreal… (shaking his head and now sarcasm takes over...)  Good job Earl… He’s such a gentleman, oh you want this ball? No problem… here ya go… (now angry) Well, this is not a date Earl!  This is football. If they’re gonna make an interception at least make them work for it…”

Oh dear I thought, Burlacher was in a bad place, we desperately needed something good to happen and thank god, with 7 minutes left…Cutler to Kellen Davis…. TOUCHDOWN!!

As if bipolar, Burlacher jumps from his chair and screams with delight… dashes off on his victory lap as if not to run down the clock… high fiving our guests along the way and then stops for his end zone dance…. he typically just shimmies a bit but this time he added a shuffle (I think he was showing off for our company but I would never say that)

Unfortunately, those “Packmen” did end up running down the clock and we were losers tonight.

Burlacher’s final words for the evening: “Whoever said - ‘it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose’ was just wrong.  Where’s the whiskey?”

TOM BRADY'S NOSE FEARED BROKEN; PRESIDENT CONVENES SECURITY COUNCIL TO FIGHT RISING PANIC!

(by Burke)

During the New England Patriots season opening game Tom Brady took a sack and got up with a bloody nose. Initial reports said it could be broken. This is the scene that unfolded in the White House Situation Room shortly thereafter.

POTUS: OK, what do we know?

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff:  Details are murky Mr. President, but there’s significant bleeding to his nose. It could be broken. Obviously the worst case scenario is a scar. We have drones in the air now to confirm.

(Those sitting around the table break out in panic.)

POTUS: Everyone, calm down! We don’t know anything for sure.

CEO UGGS: Calm down? Calm down! Tom Brady is sitting on a bench in Tennessee bleeding from the nose and I’m supposed to calm down? Do the Patriots even have a plastic surgeon on the sideline? I have fifty thousand pairs of men’s shearling slippers sitting in a warehouse. You think just any QB can get men to buy what is, let’s be honest, women’s footwear?

Paul Ryan: Aaron Rodgers is available.            

(The room breaks out laughing.)

CEO UGGS: Rodgers!? Is that a joke? (Looks at POTUS) Who is this fucking guy?

POTUS: Sorry, he’s from Wisconsin.

Joe Biden: I was in Wisconsin once. I was with my dad…literally with my dad. You know what he said to me? He said, “Joey boy, I gotta go away for a while. Your uncle’s got a job for me.’  (Tears welling up in Biden’s eyes) He says ‘Joey, Wisconsin is a hell of a state. Never forget that.’ Literally, that’s what he said. I never did forget.

 (POTUS puts his head in his hands as if a migraine is coming on)

CEO DODGE: Who gives a fuck about Wisconsin! Or women’s footwear! You know how many Dodge Darts I have sitting in showrooms? I got one commercial out of him. One! You know how many commercials it takes to convince someone it’s a good idea to buy a Goddamn Dodge?

Paul Ryan: That depends…are they magic commercials?

(Room breaks out into laughter. Dodge CEO fumes.)

Joe Biden:  I had a Dodge once. Literally, it was my Dad’s. (Tears welling up again) You know what he said to me? He said ‘Joey boy…

POTUS: (Interrupting) Can we please focus. General, is there any intel on the condition of his hair?

Chairman of Joint Chiefs: Came through just fine, Mr. President.

POTUS: OK, that’s a positive. There’s still hope. (POTUS stares fondly at one of the Situation Room walls which is covered with 2008 Hope and Change campaign posters) Maybe I should give a big speech to inspire all those with broken noses.

(Bill Clinton rushes through the door. Out of breath it’s clear he’s been running. Obama snaps out of his reverie)

POTUS: Bill, thanks for coming.

Clinton: I heard there was an urgent situation with a model. I ran right over. (looking disappointedly around the table of old men) This is not exactly what I had in mind.

POTUS: It’s Brady. He may have broken his nose. Looks like Dodge and UGGS might go under. We’re going through our contingency plans.

Clinton: (thinking) Uh, what about Gisele?

POTUS: What about her?

Clinton: She’s a supermodel and she’s married to a guy who may be disfigured. She’s probably a wreck…and vulnerable. She’s probably been drinking…heavily.

POTUS: I’ll have someone check in on her.

Clinton: (already running for the door) No need, Barack. I’ll take care of this one. I’m gonna borrow the plane.

(POTUS surveys the men sitting around the table like a man who would rather be anywhere else.)

POTUS: So let me get this straight. The most important face in America may be ruined. We have no plan, two companies going bankrupt and Clinton just hijacked my plane. Does that about cover it?

(Silence)

(Silence)

Joe Biden: (tears now running down his cheeks) You know my dad never flew in a plane. Literally never flew in one. Dad once said to me ‘Joey boy…

POTUS: (interrupting) Oh, for Fuck’s sake.

MITT ROMNEY TRIES TO PICK UP GIRL IN BAR WITH "HAPPINESS" PITCH; FAILS

(by Burke)

I noticed that Mitt Romney was on Meet the Press Sunday. Obviously I didn’t notice until Monday because Sundays are for football, not politics. Well, football and drinking but definitely not politics. Come to think of it Sundays are also for breakfast sandwiches. Let’s just agree that Sundays are amazing and move on.

Anyway, Romney wants to both cut taxes and reduce the deficit. He says he can achieve this by closing tax loopholes. The problem is that he won’t say which loopholes he will close. That’s because tax loopholes, like the home mortgage interest deduction, are hugely popular. On Sunday when asked to name just one specific loophole he would close Romney gave this answer:

“Well, the-- the specifics are these which is those principles I described are the heart of my policy.” – Mitt Romney

First of all, great stuff Mitt. That you’ve been running for President for five straight years really shines through. Second, imagine Mitt Romney in a bar hitting on a girl using the same strategy he’s employing in his campaign. That conversation would go something like this:

(Mitt approaches a despondent looking girl)

Mitt: Hi, I’m Mitt. How’s your night going?

Girl: Hi, it’s going OK. It could be better. I’m kind of over my boyfriend.

Mitt: Yes! It could be better. You should just leave with me and your night will get better.

Girl: Oh, really?

Mitt: Yeah, definitely. You’ll be much happier if you come with me. 

Girl: So where would we go?

Mitt: A better place…where you will be happier. A place of happiness where I do things that will increase your happiness.

Girl: Soooo, are we getting a drink or having dinner… what’s your plan?

Mitt: The specific things we will do are based upon those principles I have that you will be happier if you leave with me.

Girl: What the hell does that mean? You’re kind of weird.

Mitt: Maybe you should just leave with me and then I can implement the happiness plans that will make you happier. 

Girl: You’re creeping me out.

Mitt: But, you’re unhappy. And I have as my goal that you should be happier. If you just leave with me I think this will make itself quite clear.

Girl: Security!!!!

Looking at the latest poll numbers I think the American Voter just yelled for security.