The Scene: Burlacher’s
condo – Wednesday night before game day, 8PM (past his bedtime)
Me: “Burlacher,
what are you doing up so late?”
Burlacher: (Glances
up at me annoyingly and immediately back down scowling) “Pacing. Clearly.”
Me: “Why? You
should be in bed”
Burlacher: (Looks
back up in disgust) “How exactly do you expect me to sleep when Charles is
injured? I’ve been reviewing our
defensive line, we need him against these Packmen.”
Me: “You mean
Packers.”
Burlacher:
“Whatever. What is a Packer anyway? At least we have a real mascot… I’ve never
seen a Bear in person but I hear they’re intimidating and sometimes scary…
that’s a good mascot I’d say.”
Me: “Burlacher,
you are Bear”
Burlacher: (rolls
eyes like I’m crazy) “This is no time for jokes… my point is, Charles rounds out
our defense and we just played on Sunday so we’re tired.”
Me: (letting
the Bear issue slide, its best when he’s like this…) “The Packers also played
on Sunday.”
Burlacher:
“What? Why are you taking their side? ”
Me: “I’m not,
just stating the facts.”
Burlacher:
“Nobody cares about the facts, we need to win. (storms off as usual…) Done with
you.”
This is fairly
typical of Burlacher so I try not to take it personally… he cannot be faulted
for his passion.
The Scene: GAME
DAY - Burlacher’s Condo…. 45 minutes before kickoff…
Burlacher: Racing
into the living room panicked, “Do we get the Network?!!”
Me: “Yes
Burlacher, we’re watching the game here, pregame is on. And we have company
coming over.”
Burlacher: Jumping into is seat in front of the TV,
“Thank god. Are they bringing food?
Have we heard of Charles is playing?”
(Doorbell – our
guests arrive with a bang… decked out in Bears gear from head to toe. Burlacher,
entranced in pregame commentary, greets no one.)
Burlacher:
“SSSSHHhhhhhh!! Listen friends of
Cupcake, I appreciate the food, but my house, my rules. No side conversations, it’s
almost kickoff.”
Guests: Intimidated that someone so wee (small)
could be so intense simply say, “We understand Burlacher.”
Burlacher: Refocused, throws his hands in the air
as our defense takes the field… “CHARLES!!!! Charles is playing. We are saved!”
Having seen all
of pregame, I already knew that but obviously acted shocked and excited since
he hadn’t let me answer his question moments earlier. Unfortunately, that was
the end of the excitement for awhile but we were shocked again almost immediately
when the Bears were called for having too many players on the field…
Burlacher: (Screaming
at the Refs) “IT WAS ONE FOOT! But
seriously! We didn’t even have an entire player on the field… these Packmen are
cheaters! (grumbles) Exactly what I
expected in Lambeau…this is gonna be a long night.”
It got worse
from there… 2 minutes before half the Packers fake a field goal and run it in
for touchdown.
Though
depressed, Burlacher agrees he should partake in feeding time during the half
to keep up his strength. To
his credit, he tried to be civil by asking our guests simple questions about
their lives… and even though he never waited for their answers and would
immediately cut them off with his rants about what should be said during the
halftime locker room pep talk as if he were Lovie, it was the thought that
counted….
Coming out of
half, our offense (Matt Forte) gives us hope, inching down the field and then
Cutler throws long…
Burlacher:
“Brandon! He’s in the end zone! He’s got it….. NOOOOOOO! Brandon, for the love
of god we pay you catch those.”
Me: Not able to let that slide…. “Technically
Burlacher, you don’t pay him, you are a fan.”
Burlacher: Never breaking eye contact with the TV, “Please,
Cupcake, nothing further from you.”
(Recognizing my
obvious timing error, I return to silence, as did our guests, still scared to
blink really)
Tragically, the
wind nearly left our sails completely when our Running Back/Receiver/Really
also needs to play Center since we can’t seem to communicate with our Quarter
Back - Matt Forte, goes out for the game…. BUT then a huge pass too…
Burlacher: “EARL B! (Burlacher likes names with
two syllables so occasionally he improvises)… COME BACK EARL!... What in the H
(doesn’t like to cuss) is he doing?!
Unreal… (shaking his head and now sarcasm takes over...) Good job Earl… He’s such a gentleman, oh
you want this ball? No problem… here ya go… (now angry) Well, this is not a
date Earl! This is football. If
they’re gonna make an interception at least make them work for it…”
Oh dear I
thought, Burlacher was in a bad place, we desperately needed something good to
happen and thank god, with 7 minutes left…Cutler to Kellen Davis…. TOUCHDOWN!!
As if bipolar,
Burlacher jumps from his chair and screams with delight… dashes off on his
victory lap as if not to run down the clock… high fiving our guests along the
way and then stops for his end zone dance…. he typically just shimmies a bit
but this time he added a shuffle (I think he was showing off for our company
but I would never say that)
Unfortunately,
those “Packmen” did end up running down the clock and we were losers tonight.
Burlacher’s
final words for the evening: “Whoever said - ‘it doesn’t matter whether you win
or lose’ was just wrong. Where’s
the whiskey?”
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