(by Burke)
During the
New England Patriots season opening game Tom Brady took a sack and got up with
a bloody nose. Initial reports said it could be broken. This is the scene that
unfolded in the White House Situation Room shortly thereafter.
POTUS: OK, what do we know?
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Details
are murky Mr. President, but there’s significant bleeding to his nose. It could
be broken. Obviously the worst case scenario is a scar. We have drones in the
air now to confirm.
(Those
sitting around the table break out in panic.)
POTUS: Everyone, calm down! We don’t know anything for sure.
CEO UGGS: Calm down? Calm down! Tom Brady is sitting on a bench
in Tennessee bleeding from the nose and I’m supposed to calm down? Do the
Patriots even have a plastic surgeon on the sideline? I have fifty thousand
pairs of men’s shearling slippers sitting in a warehouse. You think just any QB
can get men to buy what is, let’s be honest, women’s footwear?
Paul Ryan: Aaron Rodgers is available.
CEO UGGS: Rodgers!? Is that a joke? (Looks at POTUS) Who is
this fucking guy?
POTUS: Sorry, he’s from Wisconsin.
Joe Biden: I was in Wisconsin once. I was with my dad…literally
with my dad. You know what he said to me? He said, “Joey boy, I gotta go away
for a while. Your uncle’s got a job for me.’ (Tears welling up in Biden’s eyes) He says ‘Joey, Wisconsin
is a hell of a state. Never forget that.’ Literally, that’s what he said. I
never did forget.
(POTUS puts his head in his hands as if a
migraine is coming on)
CEO DODGE: Who gives a fuck about Wisconsin! Or women’s
footwear! You know how many Dodge Darts I have sitting in showrooms? I got one
commercial out of him. One! You know how many commercials it takes to convince
someone it’s a good idea to buy a Goddamn Dodge?
Paul Ryan: That depends…are they magic commercials?
(Room
breaks out into laughter. Dodge CEO fumes.)
Joe Biden: I had a
Dodge once. Literally, it was my Dad’s. (Tears welling up again) You know what
he said to me? He said ‘Joey boy…
POTUS: (Interrupting) Can we please focus. General, is there any intel on the
condition of his hair?
Chairman of Joint Chiefs: Came through just fine, Mr. President.
POTUS: OK, that’s a positive. There’s still hope. (POTUS stares fondly at one
of the Situation Room walls which is covered with 2008 Hope and Change campaign
posters) Maybe I should give a big speech to inspire all those with broken
noses.
(Bill
Clinton rushes through the door. Out of breath it’s clear he’s been running.
Obama snaps out of his reverie)
POTUS: Bill, thanks for coming.
Clinton: I heard there was an urgent situation with a model. I
ran right over. (looking disappointedly around the table of old men) This is
not exactly what I had in mind.
POTUS: It’s Brady. He may have broken his nose. Looks like Dodge and UGGS
might go under. We’re going through our contingency plans.
Clinton: (thinking) Uh, what about Gisele?
POTUS: What about her?
Clinton: She’s a supermodel and she’s married to a guy who may
be disfigured. She’s probably a wreck…and vulnerable. She’s probably been
drinking…heavily.
POTUS: I’ll have someone check in on her.
Clinton: (already running for the door) No need, Barack. I’ll
take care of this one. I’m gonna borrow the plane.
(POTUS
surveys the men sitting around the table like a man who would rather be
anywhere else.)
POTUS: So let me get this straight. The most important face in America may be
ruined. We have no plan, two companies going bankrupt and Clinton just hijacked
my plane. Does that about cover it?
(Silence)
(Silence)
Joe Biden: (tears now running down his cheeks) You know my dad
never flew in a plane. Literally never flew in one. Dad once said to me ‘Joey
boy…
POTUS: (interrupting) Oh, for Fuck’s sake.
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