MITT ROMNEY TRIES TO PICK UP GIRL IN BAR WITH "HAPPINESS" PITCH; FAILS

(by Burke)

I noticed that Mitt Romney was on Meet the Press Sunday. Obviously I didn’t notice until Monday because Sundays are for football, not politics. Well, football and drinking but definitely not politics. Come to think of it Sundays are also for breakfast sandwiches. Let’s just agree that Sundays are amazing and move on.

Anyway, Romney wants to both cut taxes and reduce the deficit. He says he can achieve this by closing tax loopholes. The problem is that he won’t say which loopholes he will close. That’s because tax loopholes, like the home mortgage interest deduction, are hugely popular. On Sunday when asked to name just one specific loophole he would close Romney gave this answer:

“Well, the-- the specifics are these which is those principles I described are the heart of my policy.” – Mitt Romney

First of all, great stuff Mitt. That you’ve been running for President for five straight years really shines through. Second, imagine Mitt Romney in a bar hitting on a girl using the same strategy he’s employing in his campaign. That conversation would go something like this:

(Mitt approaches a despondent looking girl)

Mitt: Hi, I’m Mitt. How’s your night going?

Girl: Hi, it’s going OK. It could be better. I’m kind of over my boyfriend.

Mitt: Yes! It could be better. You should just leave with me and your night will get better.

Girl: Oh, really?

Mitt: Yeah, definitely. You’ll be much happier if you come with me. 

Girl: So where would we go?

Mitt: A better place…where you will be happier. A place of happiness where I do things that will increase your happiness.

Girl: Soooo, are we getting a drink or having dinner… what’s your plan?

Mitt: The specific things we will do are based upon those principles I have that you will be happier if you leave with me.

Girl: What the hell does that mean? You’re kind of weird.

Mitt: Maybe you should just leave with me and then I can implement the happiness plans that will make you happier. 

Girl: You’re creeping me out.

Mitt: But, you’re unhappy. And I have as my goal that you should be happier. If you just leave with me I think this will make itself quite clear.

Girl: Security!!!!

Looking at the latest poll numbers I think the American Voter just yelled for security.