FALL TV -- WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS YEAR'S BAD SHOWS BETTER? ANSWERS BELOW!!!

(by Lyko)

The New Fall Line-Up, 2^nd Down.

For a split second, I must admit, I was excited about the plot of Go On.  Most of this was because I briefly confused Matthew Perry and Matt Leblanc, but it was also because Perry’s character is a sports talk show host.  Sports make everything better.  Even awful things are made better when sports are added.  Vegetarian foods, Tuesdays, people from Eastern Washington.  All are improved when sports are added.  Luckily, I am not alone in this thinking.  After seeing Go On, major television shows are taking notice and have hit the re-write war room.  Here are some of the new Fall shows, after a little training camp.

Major Crimes (TNT):

Years after his travails and triumphs as a Mountaineer, college football HOFer Major Harris has made junior detective in the rough and tumble homicide division of Charleston, WV.  There he is partnered with Major Harris, the mid seventies Phili R&B sensation most well known for his chart topper, Love Won’t Let Me Wait.  He is surly, beaten down by life, but he has a heart of gold – double platinum, actually.  There are a lot of moronic efforts at comedy when the two detectives have to introduce themselves, a lot of “good majoring/bad majoring” of suspects, and R&B Major often makes digs at his younger partner about QB Major losing the Heisman to Andre Ware and Anthony Thompson in 1989.

The Last Resort (NBC):

Instead of being about a nuclear sub, this show is about 4 Cubs fans that EAT subs.  And drink.  And watch sports.  In the dog days of August, with the Olympics over and their dismal baseball team having played themselves out of contention they are trying anything to make it to the start of the Bears season.  Fantasy Television drafts, re-watching The Newsroom, devising new facial hair styles for Jay Cutler… finally, when hope is nearly lost they fall back on their “Last Resort”: trying to get into the MLS by cheering for the Chicago Fire.

Chicago Fire (NBC):

This follows key players on the Chicago Fire playing inspired Soccer in the month of August because their fan base seems to have suddenly doubled.

Vegas (CBS):

Meet the cast of the longest running show at the Soiree Casino and Resort, “The Las Vegas Playas”.  The all male review is made up former athletes who looking back have us scratching our heads at how the f?#k they won MVP awards. Starring, Brian Sipe, Terry Pendleton, Willie Hernandez & Kevin Mitchell.  The show will focus on all these LVPs crazy exploits on the strip, but after a while they seem less and less crazy and any craziness that might appear to be there is really just because said exploits are happening against an incredibly mundane backdrop.  The pilot will be entitled: “The Full Monty Kiffin.”

Cromartie: 12 kids. 8 Women. 1 Guy

Guys With Kids (FOX):

Actually just one guy: Antonio Cromartie.

Elementary (CBS):

In the classic vein of Schools Match Wits, NFL rookie quarterbacks are asked questions from junior high school mid term tests and junior high school kids are asked to learn the dumbed downed versions of NFL offences handed to rookie starters.  While Hanover, MA resident Henry McGuillicutty, a 13 year old, self proclaimed puss-hound who loves to “get his Gronk on” successfully achieves a 92% QBR with the Falcons offense, Ryan Tannenhill does not fare so well.  He answers that a parallelogram is a medical test for Parkinson’s disease and that the “golden rule” is to not let Lauren catch him peeing in the shower. He also seems to think that Guam is the 53^rd U.S. State and that they are currently 1-0 in the NFC North.  Jon Gruden hosts and the “Fun Bunch” is the house band.

Zero Hour (NBC):

This is the gripping, fast-paced thriller that begins in Pasadena heat with the presentation of the Rose Bowl Trophy and follows the terror filled journey of Matt Barkley until the moment, just after 5pm in Rock Center on Thursday April 25^th when he and his career are kidnapped for four years (with a fifth year option) and forced to play football in Jacksonville for about a quarter of what Sam Bradford makes. 

Save Me (NBC):

It’s actually exactly the same plot as Zero Hour it just takes place one year in the future, stars Tennessee QB Tyler Bray and is set in Cleveland.

The Neighbors (ABC):

Basically Hard Knocks meets Portlandia, as Jay Z, Rod Thorn,  and company move to their home across the bridge.  Nestled between the hipster havens on Williamsburg and Park Slope, the boys find it hard to adjust to this new world of gluten-free food and fixed gear bicycles.  The culture shock threatens to tear the team apart.  Gerald Wallace suffers a wrist injury while trying to learn to play Inuit spirituals on his refurbished xylophone.  Deron Williams wants skinny jeans and fitted hoodies to the team’s warm up outfits and Brook Lopez refuses to watch game film unless it is shot on grainy, analog, handheld 8mm film.  Will the team make it to the start of the regular season?  Do they have a chance to win even 20 games?  Will Derrick Coleman’s new urban gardening terrarium shop make it? 

And don’t worry kids, Grimm, the show where Russ Grimm eats pork rinds and watches Kenny Rogers in Six Pack on his couch and recites all the bad choices he made in his life, has been renewed for a second seaon.